9f 


THE 

WORKS    AND    LIFE 

OF 

LAURENCE    STERNE. 


YORK    EDITION. 

The  Coxwold  Issue  of  the  LIFE  and  WORKS  of 
LAURENCE  STERNE,  printed  at  The  Westminster  Press, 
New  York,  is  limited  to  Two  Hundred  and  Fifty  Sets, 
of  which  this  is  Set  No...ttA 


THE 

LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM  SHANDY 

GENTLEMAN 

BY 

LAURENCE  STERNE 

WITH    AN    INTRODUCTION 
BY 

WILBUR   L.  CROSS 


IN    FOUR    VOLUMES 

VOLUME   IV 
J.    F.    TAYLOR  &    COMPANY 

NEW    YORK 


Copyright  19O4,  by 
J.  F.  TAYLOR    &    COMPANY 


NEW  YORK 
THE  WESTMINSTER   PRESS 


Stack 
Annex 

S" 


LIST    OF    ILLUSTRATIONS. 


VOLUME    IV. 

PAGE 

The  Widow  Wadman  and  Uncle  Toby  (Page  181).  .  .Frontispiece 
He  look'd  up  pensive  in  my  face  —  ....................         85 

VIVA  LA  JOIA  !  jjj 

FIDOK  LA  TRISTESSA  !  '  ' 


THE   STORY   OF  THE   KING   OF   BOHEMIA   AND   His   SEVEN 

CASTLES  ...........................................       151 

"  Let  us  just  stop  a  moment,"  quoth  my  father  ........       243 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 
OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY, 
GENTLEMAN. 


Nan  enim  excursus  hie  ejus,  sed  opus  ipsum  «st, 

PLIK.     Lib.  quintus  Epistola  sexta. 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM   SHANDY,  GENT. 
BOOK   VII. 

CHAPTER    I. 

NO 1  think,  I  said,  I  would  write  two 
volumes  every  year,  provided  the  vile 
cough  which  then  tormented  me,  and 
which  to  this  hour  I  dread  worse  than  the 
devil,  would  but  give  me  leave — and  in  an- 
other place — (but  where,  I  can't  recollect 
now)  speaking  of  my  book  as  a  machine,  and 
laying  my  pen  and  ruler  down  cross-wise 
upon  the  table,  in  order  to  gain  the  greater 
credit  to  it — I  swore  it  should  be  kept 
a  going  at  that  rate  these  forty  years,  if  it 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

pleased  but  the  fountain  of  life  to  bless  me 
so  long  with  health  and  good  spirits. 

Now  as  for  my  spirits,  little  have  I  to  lay 
to  their  charge  —  nay  so  very  little  (unless 
the  mounting  me  upon  a  long  stick,  and 
playing  the  fool  with  me  nineteen  hours  out 
of  the  twenty-four,  be  accusations)  that  on 
the  contrary,  I  have  much — much  to  thank 
'em  for:  cheerily  have  ye  made  me  tread 
the  path  of  life  with  all  the  burthens  of  it 
(except  its  cares)  upon  my  back;  in  no  one 
moment  of  my  existence,  that  I  remember, 
have  ye  once  deserted  me,  or  tinged  the 
objects  which  came  in  my  way,  either  with 
sable,  or  with  a  sickly  green;  in  dangers  ye 
gilded  my  horizon  with  hope,  and  when 
DEATH  himself  knocked  at  my  door  —  ye 
bad  him  come  again;  and  in  so  gay  a  tone 
of  careless  indifference,  did  ye  do  it,  that  he 
doubted  of  his  commission 

'  *  — There  must  certainly  be  some  mistake 
in  this  matter,"  quoth  he. 

Now  there  is  nothing  in  this  world  I 
abominate  worse,  than  to  be  interrupted  in 

a  story and  I  was  that  moment  telling 

Eugenius  a  most  tawdry  one  in  my  way,  of 
a  nun  who  fancied  herself  a  shell-fish,  and 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  a  monk  damn'd  for  eating  a  muscle,  and 
was  shewing  him  the  grounds  and  justice  of 
the  procedure 

" —  Did  ever  so  grave  a  personage  get 
into  so  vile  a  scrape?"  quoth  Death.  Thou 
hast  had  a  narrow  escape,  Tristram,  said 
Eugenius,  taking  hold  of  my  hand  as  I 
finished  my  story 

But  there  is  no  living,  Eugenius,  replied 
I,  at  this  rate;  for  as  this  son  of  a  whore 
has  found  out  my  lodgings 

— You  call  him  rightly,  said  Eugenius, — 
for  by  sin,  we  are  told,  he  enter 'd  the 

world 1  care  not  which  way  he  enter'd, 

quoth  I,  provided  he  be  not  in  such  a  hurry 
to  take  me  out  with  him — for  1  have  forty 
volumes  to  write,  and  forty  thousand  things 
to  say  and  do,  which  no  body  in  the  world 
will  say  and  do  for  me,  except  thyself;  and 
as  thou  seest  he  has  got  me  by  the  throat 
(for  Eugenius  could  scarce  hear  me  speak 
across  the  table),  and  that  I  am  no  match 
for  him  in  the  open  field,  had  I  not  better, 
whilst  these  few  scatter 'd  spirits  remain,  and 
these  two  spider  legs  of  mine  (holding  one 
of  them  up  to  him)  are  able  to  support  me 
— had  I  not  better,  Eugeniiis,  fly  for  my 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

life?     'Tis    my   advice,    my   dear    Tristram, 
said  Eugenius — Then  by  heaven!  I  will  lead 

him  a  dance  he  little  thinks  of for  I  will 

gallop,  quoth  I,  without  looking  once  behind 
me,  to  the  banks  of  the  Garonne;   and  if 

I    hear  him    clattering  at   my  heels I'll 

scamper   away  to    mount    Vesuvius from 

thence  to  Joppa,    and    from  Joppa  to  the 
world's   end ;    where,   if   he   follows   me,    I 

pray  God  he  may  break  his  neck 

—He  runs  more  risk  there,  said  Eugenius, 
than  thou. 

Eugenius 's  wit  and  affection  brought  blood 
into  the  cheek  from  whence  it  had  been  some 

months  banish'd 'twas  a  vile  moment  to 

bid  adieu  in;   he  led  me  to  my  chaise 

A  lions!  said   I;    the  postboy   gave   a  crack 

with  his  whip off  I  went  like  a  cannon, 

and  in  half  a  dozen  bounds  got  into  Dover. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    II. 

NOW  hang  it!  quoth  I,  as  I  look'd  to- 
wards the  French  coast — a  man  should 
know  something  of  his  own  country 

too,  before  he  goes  abroad and  I  never 

gave  a  peep  into  Rochester  church,  or  took 
notice  of  the  dock  of  Chatham,  or  visited 
St  Thomas  at  Canterbury,  though  they  all 
three  laid  in  my  way 

—  But  mine,  indeed,  is  a  particular 
case 

So  without  arguing  the  matter  further 
with  Thomas  o'  Becket,  or  any  one  else — I 
skip'd  into  the  boat,  and  in  five  minutes  we 
got  under  sail,  and  scudded  away  like  the 
wind. 

Pray,  captain,  quoth  I,  as  I  was  going 
down  into  the  cabin,  is  a  man  never  over- 
taken by  Death  in  this  passage? 

Why,  there  is  not  time  for  a  man  to  be 

sick  in  it,  replied  he What  a  cursed  lyarl 

for  I  am  sick  as  a  horse,  quoth  I,  already 
what  a  brain! upside  down! hey- 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

day!  the  cells  are  broke  loose  one  into  an- 
other, and  the  blood,  and  the  lymph,  and 
the  nervous  juices,  with  the  fix'd  and  vola- 
tile salts,  are  all  jumbled  into  one  mass 

good  G — !  every  thing  turns  round  in  it 

like  a  thousand  whirlpools I'd  give  a 

shilling  to  know  if  I  shan't  write  the  clearer 
for  it 

Sick!  sick!  sick!  sick! 

— When  shall  we  get  to  land?  captain — 

they  have  hearts  like  stones O  I  am 

deadly  sick! reach  me  that  thing,  boy 

'tis  the  most  discomfiting  sickness 1 

wish  I  was  at  the  bottom — Madam!  how  is 

it  with  you?  Undone!  undone!  un O! 

undone!  sir What  the  first  time? No, 

'tis  the  second,  third,  sixth,  tenth  time,  sir, 

hey-day! — what  a  trampling  over  head! 

— hollo!  cabin  boy!  what's  the  matter? — 

The  wind  chopp'd  about!  s' Death! — then 
I  shall  meet  him  full  in  the  face. 

What  luck! — 'tis  chopp'd  about  again, 
master O  the  devil  chop  it 

Captain,  quoth  she,  for  heaven's  sake,  let 
us  get  ashore. 


10 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    III. 

IT  is  a  great  inconvenience  to  a  man  in  a 
haste,  that  there  are  three  distinct  roads 
between  Calais  and  Paris,  in  behalf  of 
which  there  is  so  much  to  be  said  by  the 
several  deputies  from  the  towns  which  lie 
along  them,  that  half  a  day  is  easily  lost  in 
settling  which  you'll  take. 

First,  the  road  by  Lisle  and  Arras,  which 

is  the  most  about but  most  interesting, 

and  instructing. 

The  second  that  by  Amiens,  which  you 
may  go,  if  you  would  see  Chantilly 

And  that  by  Beauvais,  which  you  may  go, 
if  you  will. 

For  this  reason  a  great  many  chuse  to  go 
by  Beauvais. 


11 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    IV. 

OW  before  I  quit  Calais,"  a  travel- 
writer  would  say,  "it  would  not  be 
amiss  to  give  some  account  of  it." — 
Now  I  think  it  very  much  amiss — that  a 
man  cannot  go  quietly  through  a  town,  and 
let  it  alone,  when  it  does  not  meddle  with 
him,  but  that  he  must  be  turning  about  and 
drawing  his  pen  at  every  kennel  he  crosses 
over,  merely,  o'  my  conscience,  for  the  sake 
of  drawing  it;  because,  if  we  may  judge 
from  what  has  been  wrote  of  these  things, 
by  all  who  have  wrote  and  galloped — or  who 
have  galloped  and  wrote,  which  is  a  different 
way  still;  or  who  for  more  expedition  than 
the  rest,  have  wrote  galloping,  which  is  the 

way  I  do  at  present from  the  great  Ad- 

dison,  who  did  it  with  his  satchel  of  school 
books  hanging  at  his  a — ,  and  galling  his 
beast's  crupper  at  every  stroke  —  there  is 
not  a  gallopper  of  us  all  who  might  not 
have  gone  on  ambling  quietly  in  his  own 


ground  (in  case  he  had  any),  and  have 
wrote  all  he  had  to  write,  dryshod,  as  well 
as  not. 

For  my  own  part,  as  heaven  is  my  judge, 
and  to  which  I  shall  ever  make  my  last  ap- 
peal— I  know  no  more  of  Calais  (except  the 
little  my  barber  told  me  of  it,  as  he  was 
whetting  his  razor),  than  1  do  this  moment 
of  Grand  Cairo;  for  it  was  dusky  in  the 
evening  when  I  landed,  and  dark  as  pitch 
in  the  morning  when  I  set  out,  and  yet  by 
merely  knowing  what  is  what,  and  by  draw- 
ing this  from  that  in  one  part  of  the  town, 
and  by  spelling  and  putting  this  and  that 
together  in  another — I  would  lay  any  travel- 
ling odds,  that  I  this  moment  write  a  chap- 
ter upon  Calais  as  long  as  my  arm;  and 
with  so  distinct  and  satisfactory  a  detail  of 
every  item,  which  is  worth  a  stranger's  cu- 
riosity in  the  town — that  you  would  take 
me  for  the  town-clerk  of  Calais  itself — and 
where,  sir,  would  be  the  wonder?  was  not 
Democritus,  who  laughed  ten  times  more 
than  I — town-clerk  of  Abdera?  and  was  not 
(I  forget  his  name)  who  had  more  discretion 

than  us  both,  town-clerk  of  Ephesus  ? 

it  should   be  penn'd  moreover,   sir,  with  so 

is 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

much  knowledge  and  good  sense,  and  truth, 

and  precision 

— Nay — if  you  don't  believe  me,  you  may 
read  the  chapter  for  your  pains. 


CHAPTER  V. 

CALAIS,  Calatium,  Calusium,  Calesium. 
This  town,  if  we  may  trust  its  archives, 
the  authority  of  which  I  see  no  reason  to 
call  in  question  in  this  place — was  once  no 
more  than  a  small  village  belonging  to  one 
of  the  first  Counts   de  Guignes;    and  as  it 
boasts  at  present  of  no  less  than   fourteen 
thousand  inhabitants,  exclusive  of  four  hun- 
dred and  twenty  distinct  families  in  the  basse 

ville,  or  suburbs it  must  have  grown  up 

by  little  and  little,  I  suppose,  to  its  present 
size. 

Though  there  are  four  convents,  there  is 
but  one  parochial  church  in  the  whole  town; 
I  had  not  an  opportunity  of  taking  its  exact 
dimensions,  but  it  is  pretty  easy  to  make  a 
tolerable  conjecture  of  'em — for  as  there  are 

14 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

fourteen  thousand  inhabitants  in  the  town, 
if  the  church  holds  them  all,  it  must  be 
considerably  large — and  if  it  will  not — 'tis  a 
very  great  pity  they  have  not  another — it  is 
built  in  form  of  a  cross,  and  dedicated  to 
the  Virgin  Mary;  the  steeple,  which  has  a 
spire  to  it,  is  placed  in  the  middle  of  the 
church,  and  stands  upon  four  pillars  elegant 
and  light  enough,  but  sufficiently  strong  at 
the  same  time — it  is  decorated  with  eleven 
altars,  most  of  which  are  rather  fine  than 
beautiful.  The  great  altar  is  a  masterpiece 
in  its  kind;  'tis  of  white  marble,  and  as  I 
was  told  near  sixty  feet  high — had  it  been 
much  higher,  it  had  been  as  high  as  mount 
Calvary  itself — therefore,  I  suppose  it  must 
be  high  enough  in  all  conscience. 

There  was  nothing  struck  me  more  than 
the  great  Square;  tho'  I  cannot  say  'tis 
either  well  paved  or  well  built;  but  'tis  in 
the  heart  of  the  town,  and  most  of  the 
streets,  especially  those  in  that  quarter,  all 
terminate  in  it;  could  there  have  been  a 
fountain  in  all  Calais,  which  it  seems  there 
cannot,  as  such  an  object  would  have  been 
a  great  ornament,  it  is  not  to  be  doubted, 
but  that  the  inhabitants  would  have  had  it 

15 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

in  the  very  centre  of  this  square, — not  that 
it  is  properly  a  square, — because  'tis  forty 
feet  longer  from  east  to  west,  than  from 
north  to  south;  so  that  the  French  in  gen- 
eral have  more  reason  on  their  side  in  call- 
ing them  Places  than  Squares,  which,  strictly 
speaking,  to  be  sure  they  are  not. 

The  town-house  seems  to  be  but  a  sorry 
building,  and  not  to  be  kept  in  the  best 
repair;  otherwise  it  had  been  a  second  great 
ornament  to  this  place;  it  answers  however 
its  destination,  and  serves  very  well  for  the 
reception  of  the  magistrates,  who  assemble 
in  it  from  time  to  time;  so  that  'tis  pre- 
sumable, justice  is  regularly  distributed. 

I  have  heard  much  of  it,  but  there  is 
nothing  at  all  curious  in  the  Courgain;  'tis 
a  distinct  quarter  of  the  town,  inhabited 
solely  by  sailors  and  fishermen;  it  consists 
of  a  number  of  small  streets,  neatly  built, 
and  mostly  of  brick;  'tis  extremely  popu- 
lous, but  as  that  may  be  accounted  for, 
from  the  principles  of  their  diet — there  is 
nothing  curious  in  that  neither. A  trav- 
eller may  see  it  to  satisfy  himself— he  must 
not  omit  however  taking  notice  of  La  Tour 
de  Guet,  upon  any  account;  'tis  so  called 

16 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

from  its  particular  destination,  because  in 
war  it  serves  to  discover  and  give  notice  of 
the  enemies  which  approach  the  place,  either 

by  sea  or  land; but  'tis  monstrous  high, 

and  catches  the  eye  so  continually,  you  can- 
not avoid  taking  notice  of  it,  if  you  would. 
It  was  a  singular  disappointment  to  me, 
that  I  could  not  have  permission  to  take  an 
exact  survey  of  the  fortifications,  which  are 
the  strongest  in  the  world,  and  which,  from 
first  to  last,  that  is,  from  the  time  they  were 
set  about  by  Philip  of  France,  Count  of 
Boulogne,  to  the  present  war,  wherein  many 
reparations  were  made,  have  cost  (as  I 
learned  afterwards  from  an  engineer  in  Gas- 
cony) — above  a  hundred  millions  of  livres. 
It  is  very  remarkable,  that  at  the  Tete  de 
Gravelenes,  and  where  the  town  is  naturally 
the  weakest,  they  have  expended  the  most 
money;  so  that  the  outworks  stretch  a  great 
way  into  the  campaign,  and  consequently  oc- 
cupy a  large  tract  of  ground. — However,  after 
all  that  is  said  and  done,  it  must  be  acknowl- 
edged that  Calais  was  never  upon  any  account 
so  considerable  from  itself,  as  from  its  situa- 
tion, and  that  easy  entrance  which  it  gave 
our  ancestors,  upon  all  occasions,  into  France: 

IT 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

it  was  not  without  its  inconveniences  also; 
being  no  less  troublesome  to  the  English  in 
those  times,  than  Dunkirk  has  been  to  us,  in 
ours;  so  that  it  was  deservedly  looked  upon 
as  the  key  to  both  kingdoms,  which  no  doubt 
is  the  reason  that  there  have  arisen  so  many 
contentions  who  should  keep  it :  of  these,  the 
siege  of  Calais,  or  rather  the  blockade  (for  it 
was  shut  up  both  by  land  and  sea),  was  the 
most  memorable,  as  it  withstood  the  efforts 
of  Edward  the  Third  a  whole  year,  and  was 
not  terminated  at  last  but  by  famine  and  ex- 
treme misery ;  the  gallantry  of  Eustace  de  St 
Pierre,  who  first  offered  himself  a  victim  for 
his  fellow-citizens,  has  rank'd  his  name  with 
heroes.  As  it  will  not  take  up  above  fifty 
pages,  it  would  be  injustice  to  the  reader, 
not  to  give  him  a  minute  account  of  that 
romantic  transaction,  as  well  as  of  the  siege 
itself,  in  Rapines  own  words: 


18 


OF  TRISTRAM  SHANDY 


B 


CHAPTER    VI. 

'UT   courage!    gentle    reader! 1 

scorn   it 'tis   enough   to   have 

thee  in  my  power but  to  make 

use  of  the  advantage  which  the  fortune  of 
the  pen  has  now  gained  over  thee,  would  be 

too  much No !   by  that  all-powerful 

fire  which  warms  the  visionary  brain,  and 
lights  the  spirits  through  unwordly  tracts! 
ere  I  would  force  a  helpless  creature  upon 
this  hard  service,  and  make  thee  pay,  poor 
soul !  for  fifty  pages,  which  I  have  no  right 

to  sell  thee, naked   as   I   am,    I   would 

browse  upon  the  mountains,  and  smile  that 
the  north  wind  brought  me  neither  my  tent 
or  my  supper. 

— So  put  on,   my  brave  boy!   and  make 
the  best  of  thy  way  to  Boulogne. 


19 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


B' 


CHAPTER   VII. 

OULOGNE! hah! so  we  are 

all  got  together debtors  and  sin- 
ners before  heaven;  a  jolly  set  of  us 
— but  I  can't  stay  and  quaff  it  off  with  you — 
I'm   pursued  myself  like  a  hundred  devils, 
and  shall   be  overtaken,    before   I   can  well 

change  horses: for  heaven's   sake,   make 

haste 'Tis  for  high- treason,  quoth  a  very 

little  man,  whispering  as  low  as  he  could  to 

a  very  tall  man,  that  stood  next  him Or 

else  for  murder;  quoth  the  tall  man Well 

thrown,  Size- ace!  quoth  I.    No;  quoth  a  third, 

the  gentleman  has  been  committing . 

Ah!  ma  chere  file!  said  I,  as  she  tripp'd 
by,  from  her  matins — you  look  as  rosy  as 
the  morning  (for  the  sun  was  rising,  and  it 
made  the  compliment  the  more  gracious) — 

No;  it  can't  be  that,  quoth  a  fourth (she 

made  a  curt'sy  to  me — I  kiss'd  my  hand) 
'tis  debt;  continued  he:  'Tis  certainly  for 
debt;  quoth  a  fifth;  I  would  not  pay  that 
gentleman's  debts,  quoth  Ace,  for  a  thou- 

fO 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

sand  pounds;  nor  would  I,  quoth  Size,  for 
six  times  the  sum — Well  thrown,  Size-ace, 
again!  quoth  I; — but  I  have  no  debt  but 
the  debt  of  NATURE,  and  I  want  but  patience 
of  her,  and  I  will  pay  her  every  farthing  I  owe 

her How  can  you  be  so  hard-hearted, 

MADAM,  to  arrest  a  poor  traveller  going  along 
without  molestation  to  any  one,  upon  his 
lawful  occasions?  do  stop  that  death-looking, 
long- striding  scoundrel  of  a  scare- sinner,  who 

is  posting  after  me he  never  would  have 

followed  me  but  for  you if  it  be  but  for 

a  stage  or  two,  just  to  give  me  start  of 

him,  I  beseech  you,  madam do,  dear 

lady 

Now,  hi  troth,  'tis  a  great  pity,  quoth 

mine  Irish  host,  that  all  this  good  courtship 
should  be  lost;  for  the  young  gentlewoman 
has  been  after  going  out  of  hearing  of  it 
all  along. 

Simpleton!  quoth  I. 

So  you  have  nothing  else  in  Boulogne 

worth  seeing? 

— By  Jasus!  there  is  the  finest  SEMINARY 
for  the  HUMANITIES 

— There  cannot  be  a  finer;  quoth  I. 


fi 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

WHEN    the    precipitancy    of   a    man's 
wishes  hurries   on   his   ideas   ninety 
times    faster    than    the    vehicle    he 
rides  in — woe  be  to  truth!   and  woe  be  to 
the    vehicle    and    its    tackling  (let   'em    be 
made  of  what  stuff  you  will)  upon  which 
he  breathes  forth  the  disappointment  of  his 
soul! 

As  I  never  give  general  characters  either 
of  men  or  things  in  choler,  "the  most  haste, 
the  worst  speed,"  was  all  the  reflection  I 
made  upon  the  affair,  the  first  time  it  hap- 
pen'd; — the  second,  third,  fourth,  and  fifth 
time,  I  confined  it  respectively  to  those 
times,  and  accordingly  blamed  only  the  sec- 
ond, third,  fourth,  and  fifth  post-boy  for  it, 
without  carrying  my  reflections  further;  but 
the  event  continuing  to  befal  me  from  the 
fifth,  to  the  sixth,  seventh,  eighth,  ninth, 
and  tenth  time,  and  without  one  exception, 
I  then  could  not  avoid  making  a  national 
reflection  of  it,  which  I  do  in  these  words; 

39 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

That  something  is  always  wrong  in  a 
French  post-chaise,  upon  first  setting  out. 

Or  the  proposition  may  stand  thus: 

A  French  postilion  has  always  to  alight 
before  he  has  got  three  hundred  yards  out 
of  town. 

What's  wrong  now  ? Diable  ! a 

rope's  broke ! a  knot  has  slipt  1 a 

staple's  drawn! a  bolt's  to  whittle! 

a  tag,  a  rag,  a  jag,  a  strap,  a  buckle,  or  a 
buckle's  tongue,  want  altering. 

Now  true  as  all  this  is,  I  never  think 
myself  impowered  to  excommunicate  there- 
upon either  the  post-chaise,  or  its  driver 

nor  do  I  take  it  into  my  head  to  swear  by 
the  living  G — ,  I  would  rather  go  a-foot  ten 

thousand  times or  that  I  will  be  damn'd, 

if  ever  I  get  into  another but  I  take  the 

matter  coolly  before  me,  and  consider,  that 
some  tag,  or  rag,  or  jag,  or  bolt,  or  buckle, 
or  buckle's  tongue,  will  ever  be  a  wanting, 
or  want  altering,  travel  where  I  will — so  I 
never  chaff,  but  take  the  good  and  the  bad, 

as  they  fall  in  my  road,  and  get  on: Do 

so,  my  lad!  said  I;  he  had  lost  five  minutes 
already,  in  alighting  in  order  to  get  at  a 
luncheon  of  black  bread,  which  he  had 

23 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

cramm'd  into  the  chaise-pocket,  and  was 
remounted,  and  going  leisurely  on,  to  relish 

it  the   better Get  on,    my   lad,    said    I, 

briskly  —  but  in  the  most  persuasive  tone 
imaginable,  for  I  jingled  a  four-and-twenty 
sous  piece  against  the  glass,  taking  care  to 
hold  the  flat  side  towards  him,  as  he  look'd 
back:  the  dog  grinn'd  intelligence  from  his 
right  ear  to  his  left,  and  behind  his  sooty 
muzzle  discovered  such  a  pearly  row  of 
teeth,  that  Sovereignty  would  have  pawn'd 
her  jewels  for  them 

,  (  What  masticators ! — 
Just  heaven  !  \  TXr,  , , 

(  What  bread ! — 

and  so,  as  he  finished  the  last  mouthful  of 
it,  we  entered  the  town  of  Montreuil. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

THERE  is  not  a  town  in  all  France, 
which,  in  my  opinion,  looks  better  in 

the  map,  than  MONTREUIL; 1  own, 

it  does   not  look   so  well    in    the   book  of 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

post-roads;  but  when  you  come  to  see  it — 
to  be  sure  it  looks  most  pitifully. 

There  is  one  thing,  however,  in  it  at 
present  very  handsome;  and  that  is  the  inn- 
keeper's daughter:  She  has  been  eighteen 
months  at  Amiens,  and  six  at  Paris,  in  go- 
ing through  her  classes;  so  knits,  and  sews, 
and  dances,  and  does  the  little  coquetries 
very  well. 

— A  slut!  hi  running  them  over  within 
these  five  minutes  that  I  have  stood  look- 
ing at  her,  she  has  let  fall  at  least  a  dozen 

loops  in  a  white  thread  stocking yes, 

yes — I  see,  you  cunning  gipsy! — 'tis  long 
and  taper  —  you  need  not  pin  it  to  your 
knee — and  that  'tis  your  own — and  fits  you 
exactly. 

That  Nature  should  have  told  this 

creature  a  word  about  a  statue"* s  thumb! 

— But  as  this  sample  is  worth  all  their 

thumbs besides,  I  have  her  thumbs  and 

fingers  in  at  the  bargain,  if  they  can  be  any 
guide  to  me, — and  as  Janatone  withal  (for 
that  is  her  name)  stands  so  well  for  a  draw- 
ing  may  I  never  draw  more,  or  rather 

may  I  draw  like  a  draught-horse,  by  main 
strength  all  the  days  of  my  life, — if  I  do 

95 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

not  draw  her  in  all  her  proportions,  and  with 
as  determined  a  pencil,  as  if  I  had  her  in 

the  wettest  drapery. 

— But  your  worships  chuse  rather  that  I 
give  you  the  length,  breadth,  and  perpen- 
dicular height  of  the  great  parish-church,  or 
drawing  of  the  facade  of  the  abbey  of  Saint 
Austreberte  which  has  been  transported  from 
Artois  hither — every  thing  is  just  I  suppose 
as  the  masons  and  carpenters  left  them, — and 
if  the  belief  in  Christ  continues  so  long,  will 
be  so  these  fifty  years  to  come — so  your 
worships  and  reverences  may  all  measure 
them  at  your  leisures but  he  who  meas- 
ures thee,  Janatone,  must  do  it  now — thou 
earnest  the  principles  of  change  within  thy 
frame;  and  considering  the  chances  of  a 
transitory  life,  I  would  not  answer  for  thee 
a  moment;  ere  twice  twelve  months  are 
passed  and  gone,  thou  mayest  grow  out 

like  a  pumpkin,  and  lose  thy  shapes or, 

thou  mayest  go  off  like  a  flower,  and  lose 
thy  beauty — nay,  thou  mayest  go  off  like  a 
hussy — and  lose  thyself. — I  would  not  an- 
swer for  my  aunt  Dinah,  was  she  alive 

'faith,  scarce  for  her  picture were  it  but 

painted  by  Reynolds — 

26 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

But  if  I  go  on  with  my  drawing, 
after  naming  that  son  of  Apollo,  I'll  be 
shot 

So  you  must  e'en  be  content  with  the 
original;  which,  if  the  evening  is  fine  in 
passing  thro'  Montreuil,  you  will  see  at 
your  chaise-door,  as  you  change  horses:  but 
unless  you  have  as  bad  a  reason  for  haste 

as  I  have — you  had  better  stop: She  has 

a  little  of  the  devote:  but  that,  sir,  is  a  terce 
to  a  nine  in  your  favour 

— L — help  me!  I  could  not  count  a  single 
point:  so  had  been  piqued,  and  repiqued, 
and  capotted  to  the  devil. 


CHAPTER   X. 

ALL   which   being   considered,    and  that 
Death     moreover    might    be    much 

nearer    me    than    I    imagined 1 

wish   I   was   at  Abbeville,   quoth   I,  were  it 

only  to  see  how  they  card  and  spin so 

off  we  set. 

27 


*de   Montreuil  a   Nampont-poste   et  demi 

de  Nampont  a  Bernay poste 

de  Bernay  a  Nouvion poste 

de  Nouvion  a  ABBEVILLE  -  poste 

but   the   carders  and  spinners  were   all 

gone  to  bed. 


CHAPTER   XT. 

WHAT   a  vast  advantage  is  travelling! 
only   it   heats   one;    but  there  is   a 
remedy   for    that,    which   you    may 
pick  out  of  the  next  chapter. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

WAS  I  in  a  condition  to  stipulate  with 
Death,  as  I  am  this  moment  with 
my  apothecary,  how  and  where  I 

will   take    his    clyster 1   should   certainly 

declare  against  submitting  to  it  before  my 

*  Vid.  Book  of  French  post-roads,  page  36,  edition  of  1762. 

90 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

friends;  and  therefore  I  never  seriously  think 
upon  the  mode  and  manner  of  this  great 
catastrophe,  which  generally  takes  up  and 
torments  my  thoughts  as  much  as  the  ca- 
tastrophe itself,  but  I  constantly  draw  the 
curtain  across  it  with  this  wish,  that  the 
Disposer  of  all  things  may  so  order  it,  that 

it  happen  not  to  me  in  my  own  house 

but  rather  in  some  decent  inn at  home, 

I    know  it, the   concern   of  my  friends, 

and  the  last  services  of  wiping  my  brows, 
and  smoothing  my  pillow,  which  the  quiver- 
ing hand  of  pale  affection  shall  pay  me,  will 
so  crucify  my  soul,  that  I  shall  die  of  a 
distemper  which  my  physician  is  not  aware 
of:  but  in  an  inn,  the  few  cold  offices  I 
wanted,  would  be  purchased  with  a  few 
guineas,  and  paid  me  with  an  undisturbed, 

but  punctual  attention but  mark.    This 

inn  should  not  be  the  inn  at  Abbeville 

if  there  was  not  another  inn  in  the  uni- 
verse, I  would  strike  that  inn  out  of  the 
capitulation:  so 

Let   the   horses  be  in  the   chaise  exactly 

by   four  in  the   morning Yes,    by   four, 

Sir, or  by  Genevievef   I'll  raise  a  clatter 

in  the  house,  shall  wake  the  dead. 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

"  TV  TAKE  them  like  unto  a  wheel,"  is  a 
JLVJ.  bitter  sarcasm,  as  all  the  learned 
know,  against  the  grand  tour, 
and  that  restless  spirit  for  making  it,  which 
David  prophetically  foresaw  would  haunt 
the  children  of  men  in  the  latter  days;  and 
therefore,  as  thinketh  the  great  bishop  Hall, 
'tis  one  of  the  severest  imprecations  which 
David  ever  utter' d  against  the  enemies  of 
the  Lord — and,  as  if  he  had  said,  ' '  I  wish 
them  no  worse  luck  than  always  to  be  roll- 
ing about" — So  much  motion,  continues  he 
(for  he  was  very  corpulent) — is  so  much  un- 
quietness;  and  so  much  of  rest,  by  the  same 
analogy,  is  so  much  of  heaven. 

Now,  I  (being  very  thin)  think  differently ; 
and  that  so  much  of  motion,  is  so  much  of 

life,   and   so   much  of  joy and    that   to 

stand  still,  or  get  on  but  slowly,  is  death 

and  the  devil 

Hollo!    Ho! the  whole  world's  asleep! 

bring    out    the    horses grease    the 

so 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

wheels tie  on  the  mail and  drive  a 

nail  into  that  moulding I'll  not  lose  a 

moment 

Now  the  wheel  we  are  talking  of,  and 
whereinto  (but  not  whereonto,  for  that  would 
make  an  Ixion's  wheel  of  it)  he  curseth  his 
enemies,  according  to  the  bishop's  habit  of 
body,  should  certainly  be  a  post-chaise  wheel, 
whether  they  were  set  up  in  Palestine  at  that 
time  or  not and  my  wheel,  for  the  con- 
trary reasons,  must  as  certainly  be  a  cart- 
wheel groaning  round  its  revolution  once  in 
an  age;  and  of  which  sort,  were  I  to  turn 
commentator,  I  should  make  no  scruple  to 
affirm,  they  had  great  store  in  that  hilly 
country. 

I  love  the  Pythagoreans  (much  more  than 
ever  I  dare  tell  my  dear  Jenny)  for  their 
"Xatpia-fjibv  cnro  rov  2o>/<iaT09,  e&  TO  /ca\a>?  <f)i\oa-o<f)€lv" 
[their]  "getting  out  of  the  body,  in  or- 
der to  think  well."  No  man  thinks  right, 
whilst  he  is  in  it;  blinded  as  he  must  be, 
with  his  congenial  humours,  and  drawn  dif- 
ferently aside,  as  the  bishop  and  myself  have 

been,  with  too  lax  or  too  tense  a  fibre 

REASON  is,  half  of  it,  SENSE;  and  the 
measure  of  heaven  itself  is  but  the  meas- 

si 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

ure    of   our    present    appetites    and    concoc- 
tions  

But  which  of  the  two,  in  the  present 

case,    do    you    think   to    be    mostly   in    the 

wrong? 

You,    certainly:    quoth    she,   to   disturb   a 
whole  family  so   early. 


CHAPTER   XIV. 


But  she  did   not  know  I  was  under 

a  vow  not  to  shave  my  beard,  till  I  got  to 

Paris; yet  I  hate  to  make  mysteries  of 

nothing; 'tis  the  cold  cautiousness  of  one 

of  those  little  souls  from  which  Lessius  (lib. 
13.  de  moribus  divinis,  cap.  24.)  hath  made 
his  estimate,  wherein  he  setteth  forth,  That 
one  Dutch  mile,  cubically  multiplied,  will 
allow  room  enough,  and  to  spare,  for  eight 
hundred  thousand  millions,  which  he  sup- 
poses to  be  as  great  a  number  of  souls 
(counting  from  the  fall  of  Adam)  as  can 
possibly  be  damn'd  to  the  end  of  the  world. 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

From  what  he  has  made  this  second  esti- 
mate  unless  from  the  parental  goodness 

of  God — I  don't  know — I  am  much  more 
at  a  loss  what  could  be  in  Franciscus  Rib- 
bera's  head,  who  pretends  that  no  less  a 
space  than  one  of  two  hundred  Italian  miles 
multiplied  into  itself,  will  be  sufficient  to 

hold  the  like  number he  certainly  must 

have  gone  upon  some  of  the  old  Roman 
souls,  of  which  he  had  read,  without  reflect- 
ing how  much,  by  a  gradual  and  most  tabid 
decline,  in  the  course  of  eighteen  hundred 
years,  they  must  unavoidably  have  shrunk, 
so  as  to  have  come,  when  he  wrote,  almost 
to  nothing. 

In  Lessius's  time,  who  seems  the  cooler 
man,  they  were  as  little  as  can  be  imag- 
ined  

We  find  them  less  now 

And  next  winter  we  shall  find  them  less 
again;  so  that  if  we  go  on  from  little  to 
less,  and  from  less  to  nothing,  I  hesitate 
not  one  moment  to  affirm,  that  in  half  a 
century,  at  this  rate,  we  shall  have  no  souls 
at  all;  which  being  the  period  beyond  which 
I  doubt  likewise  of  the  existence  of  the 
Christian  faith,  'twill  be  one  advantage, 

S3 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

that  both  of  'em  will  be  exactly  worn  out 
together. 

Blessed  Jupiter!  and  blessed  every  other 
heathen  god  and  goddess!  for  now  ye  will 
all  come  into  play  again,  and  with  Priapus 

at  your  tails what  jovial   times! but 

where  am  I  ?  and  into  what  a  delicious  riot 

of  things  am  I  rushing?     I 1  who  must 

be  cut  short  in  the  midst  of  my  days,  and 
taste  no  more  of  'em  than  what  I  borrow 
from  my  imagination peace  to  thee,  gen- 
erous fool!  and  let  me  go  on. 


CHAPTER   XV. 

"So  hating,  I   say,  to  make  mys- 
teries of  nothing'" 1   intrusted   it   with 

the  post-boy,  as  soon  as  ever  I  got  off  the 
stones;  he  gave  a  crack  with  his  whip,  to 
balance  the  compliment;  and  with  the  thill- 
horse  trotting,  and  a  sort  of  an  up  and  a 
down  of  the  other,  we  danced  it  along  to 
Ailly  au  dockers,  famed  in  days  of  yore  for 
the  finest  chimes  in  the  world;  but  we 

Si 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

danced     through     it     without     music  —  the 
chimes   being  greatly   out  of  order — (as  in 
truth  they  were  through  all  France.) 
And  so  making  all  possible  speed,  from 
Ailly  au  dockers,  I  got  to  Hixcourt, 
from  Hixcourt,  I  got  to  Pequignay,  and 
from  Pequignay,  I  got  to  AMIENS, 
concerning  which   town   I    have  nothing  to 
inform  you,  but  what  I  have  informed  you 

once  before and  that  was — that  Janatone 

went  there  to  school. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

IN   the  whole  catalogue  of  those  whiffling 
vexations   which   come   puffing   across   a 
man's    canvass,   there   is   not  one  of   a 
more    teasing   and  tormenting    nature,    than 
this  particular  one  which  I  am  going  to  de- 
scribe  and   for  which   (unless  you   travel 

with   an   avance- courier,   which   numbers   do 

in  order  to  prevent  it) there  is  no  help: 

and  it  is  this. 

That  be  you  in   never  so  kindly   a  pro- 

35 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

pensity   to    sleep tho'    you    are    passing 

perhaps  through  the  finest  country — upon 
the  best  roads, and  in  the  easiest  car- 
riage for  doing  it  in  the  world nay,  was 

you  sure  you  could  sleep  fifty  miles  straight 
forwards,  without  once  opening  your  eyes — 
nay,  what  is  more,  was  you  as  demonstra- 
tively satisfied  as  you  can  be  of  any  truth 
in  Euclid,  that  you  should  upon  all  accounts 
be  full  as  well  asleep  as  awake nay,  per- 
haps better—  -Yet  the  incessant  returns  of 

paying    for   the    horses    at  every   stage, 

with  the  necessity  thereupon  of  putting 
your  hand  into  your  pocket,  and  counting 
out  from  thence  three  livres  fifteen  sous 
(sous  by  sous),  puts  an  end  to  so  much  of 
the  project,  that  you  cannot  execute  above 
six  miles  of  it  (or  supposing  it  is  a  post 

and  a  half,  that  is  but  nine) were  it  to 

save  your  soul  from  destruction. 

— I'll  be  even  with  'em,  quoth  I,  for  I'll 
put  the  precise  sum  into  a  piece  of  paper, 
and  hold  it  ready  in  my  hand  all  the  way: 
"Now  I  shall  have  nothing  to  do,"  said  I 
(composing  myself  to  rest),  ' '  but  to  drop 
this  gently  into  the  post-boy's  hat,  and  not 
say  a  word." Then  there  wants  two  sous 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

more  to  drink or  there  is  a  twelve  sous 

piece  of  Louis  XIV.  which  will  not  pass — or 
a  livre  and  some  odd  liards  to  be  brought 
over  from  the  last  stage,  which  Monsieur 
had  forgot;  which  altercations  (as  a  man 
cannot  dispute  very  well  asleep)  rouse  him: 
still  is  sweet  sleep  retrievable;  and  still 
might  the  flesh  weigh  down  the  spirit,  and 
recover  itself  of  these  blows — but  then,  by 
heaven  1  you  have  paid  but  for  a  single  post 
— whereas  'tis  a  post  and  a  half;  and  this 
obliges  you  to  pull  out  your  book  of  post- 
roads,  the  print  of  which  is  so  very  small, 
it  forces  you  to  open  your  eyes,  whether 
you  will  or  no:  Then  Monsieur  le  Cure 
offers  you  a  pinch  of  snuff or  a  poor  sol- 
dier shews  you  his  leg or  a  shaveling  his 

box or  the   priestess   of  the   cistern  will 

water  your  wheels they  do   not  want  it 

but  she  swears  by  her  priesthood  (throw- 
ing it  back)  that  they  do : then  you  have 

all  these  points  to  argue,  or  consider  over 
in  your  mind;  in  doing  of  which,  the 
rational  powers  get  so  thoroughly  awakened 

you  may  get  'em  to  sleep  again  as  you 

can. 

It   was    entirely    owing    to    one    of   these 

sr 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

misfortunes,  or  I  had  pass'd  clean  by  the 
stables  of  Chantilly 

But  the  postilion  first  affirming,  and 

then  persisting  in  it  to  my  face,  that  there 
was  no  mark  upon  the  two  sous  piece,  I 
open'd  my  eyes  to  be  convinced — and  see- 
ing the  mark  upon  it  as  plain  as  my  nose — 
I  leap'd  out  of  the  chaise  in  a  passion,  and 

so  saw  every  thing  at  Chantilly  in  spite. 

I  tried  it  but  for  three  posts  and  a  half, 
but  believe  'tis  the  best  principle  in  the 
world  to  travel  speedily  upon;  for  as  few 
objects  look  very  inviting  in  that  mood — 
you  have  little  or  nothing  to  stop  you;  by 
which  means  it  was  that  I  passed  through 
St  Dennis,  without  turning  my  head  so  much 
as  on  one  side  towards  the  Abby 

Richness  of  their  treasury!  stuff  and 

nonsense! bating  their  jewels,  which  are 

all  false,  I  would  not  give  three  sous  for 

any  one  thing  in  it,  but  Jaidas's  lantern 

nor  for  that  either,  only  as  it  grows  dark,  it 
might  be  of  use. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

,  crack crack,  crack crack, 

crack so    this    is   Paris!   quoth    I 

(continuing   in  the   same    mood) — and 

this  is  Paris! humph! Paris!  cried  I, 

repeating  the  name  the  third  time 

The  first,  the  finest,  the  most  brilliant 

The  streets  however  are  nasty. 

But   it   looks,    I    suppose,   better  than  it 

smells crack,    crack crack,    crack 

what  a  fuss  thou  makest!  —  as  if  it  con- 
cerned the  good  people  to  be  informed, 
that  a  man  with  pale  face,  and  clad  in 
black,  had  the  honour  to  be  driven  into 
Paris  at  nine  o'clock  at  night,  by  a  pos- 
tilion in  a  tawny  yellow  jerkin,  turned 

up   with    red    calamanco — crack,    crack 

crack,  crack crack,  crack, 1  wish  thy 

whip 

But  'tis  the  spirit  of  thy  nation;   so 

crack — crack  on. 

Ha! and  no  one  gives  the  wall! 

but  in  the  SCHOOL  of  URBANITY  herself,  if 

39 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

the    walls    are    besh-t  —  how    can    you    do 
otherwise  ? 

And    prithee    when    do    they    light    the 
lamps  ?      What  ?  —  never    in    the    summer 

months! Ho!    'tis    the   time   of   sallads. 

O  rare!   sallad  and  soup — soup  and  sal- 
lad — sallad  and  soup,  encore 


Tis  too  much  for  sinners. 


Now  I  cannot  bear  the  barbarity  of  it; 
how  can  that  unconscionable  coachman  talk 
so  much  bawdy  to  that  lean  horse?  don't 
you  see,  friend,  the  streets  are  so  villain- 
ously narrow,  that  there  is  not  room  in  all 
Paris  to  turn  a  wheelbarrow  ?  In  the 
grandest  city  of  the  whole  world,  it  would 
not  have  been  amiss,  if  they  had  been  left  a 
thought  wider;  nay,  were  it  only  so  much 
in  every  single  street,  as  that  a  man  might 
know  (was  it  only  for  satisfaction)  on  which 
side  of  it  he  was  walking. 

One — two — three — four — five — six — seven — 
eight — nine — ten. — Ten  cook's  shops  !  and 
twice  the  number  of  barbers!  and  all  within 
three  minutes  driving!  one  would  think  that 
all  the  cooks  in  the  world,  on  some  great 
merry-meeting  with  the  barbers,  by  joint 
consent  had  said — Come,  let  us  all  go  live 

40 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

at  Paris:   the  French  love  good  eating 

they   are  all  gourmands we   shall  rank 

high;    if   their    god    is   their   belly their 

cooks  must  be  gentlemen :  and  forasmuch 
as  the  periwig  maketh  the  man,  and  the 
periwig-maker  maketh  the  periwig — ergo, 
would  the  barbers  say,  we  shall  rank  higher 
still — we  shall  be  above  you  all — we  shall 
be  *  Capitouls  at  least — pardif  we  shall  all 

wear  swords 

— And  so,  one  would  swear  (that  is  by 
candle  light,  —  but  there  is  no  depending 
upon  it)  they  continue  to  do,  to  this  day. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

'TVHE     French    are     certainly    misunder- 

A     stood: but    whether    the    fault    is 

theirs,  in  not  sufficiently  explaining 
themselves ;  or  speaking  with  that  exact 
limitation  and  precision  which  one  would 
expect  on  a  point  of  such  importance,  and 

*  Chief  Magistrate  in  Toulouse,  &c.  &c.  &c. 

41 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

which,  moreover,  is  so  likely  to  be  con- 
tested by  us or  whether  the  fault  may 

not  be  altogether  on  our  side,  in  not  un- 
derstanding their  language  always  so  critic- 
ally as  to  know  "what  they  would  be  at" 

1  shall  not  decide;   but  'tis   evident  to 

me,  when  they  affirm,  "That  they  who  have 
seen  Paris,  have  seen  every  thing,"  they  must 
mean  to  speak  of  those  who  have  seen  it  by 
day-light. 

As   for  candle-light  —  I   give   it   up 1 

have  said  before,  there  was  no  depending 
upon  it — and  I  repeat  it  again;  but  not  be- 
cause the  lights  and  shades  are  too  sharp — 
or  the  tints  confounded — or  that  there  is 
neither  beauty  or  keeping,  &c.  ...  for 
that's  not  truth — but  it  is  an  uncertain  light 
in  this  respect,  That  in  all  the  five  hundred 
grand  Hotels,  which  they  number  up  to 
you  in  Paris — and  the  five  hundred  good 
things,  at  a  modest  computation  (for  'tis 
only  allowing  one  good  thing  to  a  Hotel), 
which  by  candle-light  are  best  to  be  seen, 
felt,  heard,  and  understood  (which,  by  the 

bye,  is  a  quotation  from  Lilly) the  devil 

a  one  of  us  out  of  fifty,  can  get  our  heads 
fairly  thrust  in  amongst  them. 

4,9 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

This  is   no   part  of  the  French   computa- 
tion: 'tis  simply  this, 

That  by  the  last  survey,  taken  in  the 
year  one  thousand  seven  hundred  and  six- 
teen, since  which  time  there  have  been  con- 
siderable augmentations,  Paris  doth  contain 
nine  hundred  streets;  (viz.) 
In  the  quarter  called  the  City — there  are 

fifty-three  streets. 

In  St  James  of  the  Shambles,  fifty-five  streets. 
In  St  Oportune,  thirty- four  streets. 
In   the  quarter  of  the   Louvre,  twenty-five 

streets. 

In  the  Palace  Royal,  or  St  Honorius,  forty- 
nine  streets. 

In  Mont.  Martyr,  forty-one  streets. 
In  St  Eustace,  twenty-nine  streets. 
In  the  Halles,  twenty-seven  streets. 
In  St  Dennis,  fifty-five  streets. 
In  St  Martin,  fifty-four  streets. 
In  St  Paul,  or  the  Mortellerie,  twenty-seven 

streets. 

The  Greve,  thirty-eight  streets. 
In     St    Avoy,    or    the     Verrerie,    nineteen 

streets. 
In    the    Marais,  or    the     Temple,    fifty- two 

streets. 

43 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

In  St  Antony's,  sixty-eight  streets. 
In  the  Place  Maubert,  eighty-one  streets. 
In  St  Bennet,  sixty  streets. 
In  St  Andrews  de  Arcs,  fifty-one  streets. 
In  the  quarter  of  the   Luxembourg,   sixty- 
two  streets. 

And  in  that  of  St  Germain,  fifty-five  streets, 
into  any  of  which  you  may  walk;  and  that 
when  you  have  seen  them  with  all  that 
belongs  to  them,  fairly  by  day-light — their 
gates,  their  bridges,  their  squares,  their 

statues and    have    crusaded    it  moreover 

through  all  their  parish-churches,  by  no  means 

omitting    St   Roche  and  Sulpice and  to 

crown  all,  have  taken  a  walk  to  the  four  pal- 
aces, which  you  may  see,  either  with  or  without 
the  statues  and  pictures,  just  as  you  chuse — 

Then  you  will  have  seen 

but,  'tis  what  no  one  needeth  to  tell 

you,  for  you  will  read  of  it  yourself  upon 
the  portico  of  the  Louvre,  in  these  words, 

*  EARTH    NO    SUCH     FOLKS  ! NO    FOLKS     E'ER 

SUCH   A   TOWN 
AS    PARIS    IS! SING,    DERRY,    DERRY,    DOWN. 

*  Non  orbis  gentem,  non  urbem  gens  habet  ullam 
— — • ulla  parem. 

44 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

The  French  have  a  gay  way  of  treating 
every  thing  that  is  Great;  and  that  is  all 
can  be  said  upon  it. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

IN  mentioning  the  word  gay  (as  in  the 
close  of  the  last  chapter)  it  puts  one 
(i.e.  an  author)  in  mind  of  the  word 

spleen especially  if   he    has    anything   to 

say  upon  it:  not  that  by  any  analysis — or 
that  from  any  table  of  interest  or  genealogy, 
there  appears  much  more  ground  of  alliance 
betwixt  them,  than  betwixt  light  and  dark- 
ness, or  any  two  of  the  most  unfriendly 

opposites   in  nature only    'tis    an    under- 

craft  of  authors  to  keep  up  a  good  under- 
standing amongst  words,  as  politicians  do 
amongst  men — not  knowing  how  near  they 
may  be  under  a  necessity  of  placing  them 

to    each    other which    point    being   now 

gain'd,  and  that  I  may  place  mine  exactly 
to  my  mind,  I  write  it  down  here — 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


SPLEEN. 

This,  upon  leaving  Chantilly,  I  declared  to 
be  the  best  principle  in  the  world  to  travel 
speedily  upon;  but  I  gave  it  only  as  matter 
of  opinion.  I  still  continue  in  the  same 
sentiments — only  I  had  not  then  experience 
enough  of  its  working  to  add  this,  that 
though  you  do  get  on  at  a  tearing  rate, 
yet  you  get  on  but  uneasily  to  yourself  at 
the  same  time;  for  which  reason  I  here  quit 
it  entirely,  and  for  ever,  and  'tis  heartily  at 
any  one's  service — it  has  spoiled  me  the 
digestion  of  a  good  supper,  and  brought  on 
a  bilious  diarrhoea,  which  has  brought  me 
back  again  to  my  first  principle  on  which 

I  set  out and  with  which  I  shall  now 

scamper  it  away  to  the  banks  of  the 
Garonne — 

No; 1  cannot  stop  a  moment  to 

give  you  the  character  of  the  people — their 

genius their  manners — their  customs — 

their  laws their  religion  —  their  govern- 
ment— their  manufactures — their  commerce 
— their  finances,  with  all  the  resources  and 


46 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

hidden  springs  which  sustain  them:  qualified 
as  I  may  be,  by  spending  three  days  and 
two  nights  amongst  them,  and  during  all 
that  time  making  these  things  the  entire 
subject  of  my  enquiries  and  reflections 

Still — still  I  must  away the  roads  are 

paved — the  posts  are  short — the  days  are 
long — 'tis  no  more  than  noon — I  shall  be 
at  Fontainbleau  before  the  king 

— Was  he  going  there  ?  not  that  I 
know 


CHAPTER    XX. 

NOW  I  hate  to  hear  a  person,  especially 
if  he  be  a  traveller,  complain  that  we 
do  not  get  on  so  fast  in  France  as 
we  do  in  England;  whereas  we  get  on 
much  faster,  consider  atis  consider  andis  ; 
thereby  always  meaning,  that  if  you  weigh 
their  vehicles  with  the  mountains  of  bag- 
gage which  you  lay  both  before  and  behind 
upon  them — and  then  consider  their  puny 
horses,  with  the  very  little  they  give  them 
— 'tis  a  wonder  they  get  on  at  all:  their 

47 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

suffering  is  most  unchristian,  and  'tis  evi- 
dent thereupon  to  me,  that  a  French  post- 
horse  would  not  know  what  in  the  world 
to  do,  was  it  not  for  the  two  words  ****** 
and  ******  in  which  there  is  as  much  sus- 
tenance, as  if  you  gave  him  a  peck  of  corn: 
now  as  these  words  cost  nothing,  I  long 
from  my  soul  to  tell  the  reader  what  they 
are ;  but  here  is  the  question — they  must 
be  told  him  plainly,  and  with  the  most  dis- 
tinct articulation,  or  it  will  answer  no  end — 
and  yet  to  do  it  in  that  plain  way — though 
their  reverences  may  laugh  at  it  in  the  bed- 
chamber—  full  well  I  wot,  they  will  abuse 
it  in  the  parlour:  for  which  cause,  I  have 
been  volving  and  revolving  in  my  fancy 
some  time,  but  to  no  purpose,  by  what 
clean  device  or  facette  contrivance  I  might 
so  modulate  them,  that  whilst  I  satisfy  that 
ear  which  the  reader  chuses  to  lend  me — 
I  might  not  dissatisfy  the  other  which  he 
keeps  to  himself. 

My  ink  burns  my  finger  to  try 

and  when  I  have 'twill  have  a  worse 

consequence it  will  burn  (I  fear)  my 

paper. 

No; 1  dare  not 

48 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

But  if  you  wish  to  know  how  the  abbess 
of  Andouillets  and  a  novice  of  her  convent 
got  over  the  difficulty  (only  first  wishing 
myself  all  imaginable  success) — I'll  tell  you 
without  the  least  scruple. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

THE  abbess  of  Andouillets,  which,  if  you 
look  into  the   large   set  of  provincial 
maps    now   publishing   at   Paris,    you 
will    find    situated   amongst   the   hills  which 
divide  Burgundy  from  Savoy,  being  in  dan- 
ger of  an  Anchylosis  or  stiff  joint  (the  sinovia 
of  her  knee  becoming  hard  by  long  matins), 

and    having    tried   every   remedy first, 

prayers  and  thanksgiving;  then  invocations 
to  all  the  saints  in  heaven  promiscuously 

then  particularly  to  every  saint  who  had 

ever    had    a    stiff   leg    before    her then 

touching  it  with  all  the  reliques  of  the  con- 
vent, principally  with  the  thigh-bone  of  the 
man  of  Lystra,  who  had  been  impotent  from 
his  youth then  wrapping  it  up  in  her  veil 

49 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

when  she  went  to  bed — then  cross-wise  her 
rosary — then  bringing  hi  to  her  aid  the  sec- 
ular arm,  and  anointing  it  with  oils  and  hot 
fat  of  animals then  treating  it  with  emol- 
lient and  resolving  fomentations then 

with  poultices  of  marsh- mallows,  mallows, 
bonus  Henricus,  white  lillies  and  fenugreek 
— then  taking  the  woods,  I  mean  the  smoke 
of  'em,  holding  her  scapulary  across  her  lap 
then  decoctions  of  wild  chicory,  water- 
cresses,  chervil,  sweet  cecily  and  cochlearia 

and    nothing    all   this   while    answering, 

was  prevailed  on  at  last  to  try  the  hot- 
baths  of  Bourbon so  having  first  ob- 

tain'd  leave  of  the  visitor-general  to  take 
care  of  her  existence — she  ordered  all  to  be 
got  ready  for  her  journey:  a  novice  of  the 
convent  of  about  seventeen,  who  had  been 
troubled  with  a  whitloe  in  her  middle  finger, 
by  sticking  it  constantly  into  the  abbess's 
cast  poultices,  &c. — had  gained  such  an  in- 
terest, that  overlooking  a  sciatical  old  nun, 
who  might  have  been  set  up  for  ever  by 
the  hot-baths  of  Bourbon,  Margarita,  the 
little  novice,  was  elected  as  the  companion 
of  the  journey. 

An  old  calesh,  belonging  to  the  abbesse, 

50 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

lined  with  green  frize,  was  ordered  to  be 
drawn  out  into  the  sun  —  the  gardener  of 
the  convent  being  chosen  muleteer,  led  out 
the  two  old  mules,  to  clip  the  hair  from 
the  rump-ends  of  their  tails,  whilst  a  couple 
of  lay-sisters  were  busied,  the  one  in  darn- 
ing the  lining,  and  the  other  in  sewing  on 
the  shreds  of  yellow  binding,  which  the 

teeth  of  time  had  unravelled the  under- 

gardener  dress 'd  the  muleteer's  hat  in  hot 

wine-lees and  a  taylor  sat  musically  at 

it,  in  a  shed  over-against  the  convent,  in 
assorting  four  dozen  of  bells  for  the  har- 
ness, whistling  to  each  bell,  as  he  tied  it  on 
with  a  thong. 

The  carpenter  and  the  smith  of  An- 

douillets  held  a  council  of  wheels;  and  by 
seven,  the  morning  after,  all  look'd  spruce, 
and  was  ready  at  the  gate  of  the  convent 
for  the  hot-baths  of  Bourbon — two  rows  of 
the  unfortunate  stood  ready  there  an  hour 
before. 

The  abbess  of  Andouillets,  supported  by 
Margarita  the  novice,  advanced  slowly  to 
the  calesh,  both  clad  in  white,  with  their 
black  rosaries  hanging  at  their  breasts 

There  was  a  simple  solemnity  in  the 

£1 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

contrast:  they  entered  the  calesh;  and  nuns 
in  the  same  uniform,  sweet  emblem  of  in- 
nocence, each  occupied  a  window,  and  as 
the  abbess  and  Margarita  look'd  up — each 
(the  sciatical  poor  nun  excepted)  —  each 
stream'd  out  the  end  of  her  veil  in  the  air 
— then  kiss'd  the  lilly  hand  which  let  it  go: 
the  good  abbess  and  Margarita  laid  their 
hands  saint- wise  upon  their  breasts — look'd 
up  to  heaven — then  to  them — and  look'd 
"God  bless  you,  dear  sisters." 

I   declare   I   am   interested   in   this   story, 
and  I  wish  I  had  been  there. 

The  gardener,  whom  I  shall  now  call  the 
muleteer,  was  a  little,  hearty,  broad-set, 
good-natured,  chattering,  toping  kind  of  a 
fellow,  who  troubled  his  head  very  little 
with  the  hows  and  whens  of  life ;  so  had 
mortgaged  a  month  of  his  conventical  wages 
in  a  borrachio,  or  leathern  cask  of  wine, 
which  he  had  disposed  behind  the  calesh, 
with  a  large  russet-coloured  riding-coat  over 
it,  to  guard  it  from  the  sun;  and  as  the 
weather  was  hot,  and  he  not  a  niggard  of 
his  labours,  walking  ten  times  more  than  he 
rode — he  found  more  occasions  than  those 
of  nature,  to  fall  back  to  the  rear  of  his 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

carriage ;  till  by  frequent  coming  and  go- 
ing, it  had  so  happen' d,  that  all  his  wine 
had  leak'd  out  at  the  legal  vent  of  the  bor- 
rachio,  before  one  half  of  the  journey  was 
finish 'd. 

Man  is  a  creature  born  to  habitudes. 
The  day  had  been  sultry — the  evening  was 
delicious — the  wine  was  generous — the  Bur- 
gundian  hill  on  which  it  grew  was  steep — 
a  little  tempting  bush  over  the  door  of  a 
cool  cottage  at  the  foot  of  it,  hung  vibrat- 
ing in  full  harmony  with  the  passions  —  a 
gentle  air  rustled  distinctly  through  the 
leaves — "Come — come,  thirsty  muleteer — 
come  in." 

The  muleteer  was  a  son  of  Adam.  I 
need  not  say  a  word  more.  He  gave  the 
mules,  each  of  'em,  a  sound  lash,  and  look- 
ing in  the  abbess's  and  Margarita's  faces 
(as  he  did  it) — as  much  as  to  say  "here  I 
am"  —  he  gave  a  second  good  crack — as 

much  as  to  say  to  his  mules,  "get  on" 

so  slinking  behind,  he  enter 'd  the  little  inn 
at  the  foot  of  the  hill. 

The  muleteer,  as  I  told  you,  was  a  little, 
joyous,  chirping  fellow,  who  thought  not  of 
to-morrow,  nor  of  what  had  gone  before,  or 

53 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

what  was  to  follow  it,  provided  he  got  but 
his  scantling  of  Burgundy,  and  a  little  chit- 
chat along  with  it;  so  entering  into  a  long 
conversation,  as  how  he  was  chief  gardener 
to  the  convent  of  Andouillets,  &c.  &c.  and 
out  of  friendship  for  the  abbess  and  Mad- 
emoiselle Margarita,  who  was  only  in  her 
noviciate,  he  had  come  along  with  them 
from  the  confines  of  Savoy,  &c.  &c. — and 
as  how  she  had  got  a  white  swelling  by  her 
devotions — and  what  a  nation  of  herbs  he 
had  procured  to  mollify  her  humours,  &c. 
&c.  and  that  if  the  waters  of  Bourbon  did 
not  mend  that  leg — she  might  as  well  be 
lame  of  both  —  &c.  &c.  &c.  —  He  so  con- 
trived his  story,  as  absolutely  to  forget  the 
heroine  of  it — and  with  her,  the  little  novice, 
and  what  was  a  more  ticklish  point  to  be 
forgot  than  both — the  two  mules;  who  be- 
ing creatures  that  take  advantage  of  the 
world,  inasmuch  as  their  parents  took  it  of 
them  —  and  they  not  being  in  a  condition 
to  return  the  obligation  downwards  (as  men 
and  women  and  beasts  are) — they  do  it  side- 
ways, and  long-ways,  and  back-ways — and 
up  hill,  and  down  hill,  and  which  way  they 

can. Philosophers,  with   all  their  eth- 

M 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

icks,  have  never  considered  this  rightly — 
how  should  the  poor  muleteer,  then  in  his 
cups,  consider  it  at  all  ?  he  did  not  in  the 
least — 'tis  time  we  do;  let  us  leave  him 
then  in  the  vortex  of  his  element,  the  hap- 
piest and  most  thoughtless  of  mortal  men 

and  for  a  moment  let  us  look  after  the 

mules,  the  abbess,  and  Margarita. 

By  virtue  of  the  muleteer's  two  last 
strokes,  the  mules  had  gone  quietly  on, 
following  their  own  consciences  up  the  hill, 
till  they  had  conquer 'd  about  one  half  of 
it ;  when  the  elder  of  them,  a  shrewd, 
crafty  old  devil,  at  the  turn  of  an  angle, 
giving  a  side  glance,  and  no  muleteer  be- 
hind them 

By  my  fig!  said  she,  swearing,  I'll  go  no 

further And  if  I  do,  replied  the  other, 

they  shall  make  a  drum  of  my  hide. 

And  so  with  one  consent  they  stopp'd 
thus 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

Get  on  with  you,  said  the  abbess. 

Wh ysh ysh cried   Mar- 
garita. 

Sh  -  -  -  a shu  -  u shu  -  -  u sh  -  -  aw 

shaw'd  the  abbess. 

Whu  —  v  —  w whew  —  w  —  w  — 

whuv'd  Margarita,  pursing  up  her  sweet  lips 
betwixt  a  hoot  and  a  whistle. 

Thump  —  thump  —  thump  —  obstreperated 
the  abbess  of  Andouillets  with  the  end  of 
her  gold- headed  cane  against  the  bottom  of 
the  calesh 

The  old  mule  let  a  f— 


W 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

E  are  ruined  and  undone,  my  child, 

said  the  abbess  to  Margarita, 

we  shall  be  here  all  night we 

shall    be    plundered we    shall    be    rav- 

ish'd 

66 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

We  shall  be  ravish'd,  said  Margarita, 

as  sure  as  a  gun. 

Sancta  Maria!  cried  the  abbess  (forget- 
ting the  Of) — why  was  1  govern'd  by  this 
wicked  stiff  joint  ?  why  did  I  leave  the  con- 
vent of  Andouillets?  and  why  didst  thou  not 
suffer  thy  servant  to  go  unpolluted  to  her 
tomb? 

O  my  finger!  my  finger!  cried  the  novice, 
catching  fire  at  the  word  servant — why  was 
I  not  content  to  put  it  here,  or  there,  any 
where  rather  than  be  in  this  strait? 

Strait!  said  the  abbess. 

Strait said  the  novice ;  for  terror  had 

struck  their  understandings the  one  knew 

not  what  she  said the  other  what  she 

answer 'd. 

O  my  virginity!  virginity!  cried  the  ab- 
bess. 

inity! inityl  said  the  novice,  sob- 
bing. 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

MY  dear  mother,  quoth  the  novice,  com- 
ing a  little  to  herself, there  are 

two  certain  words,  which  I  have  been 
told  will  force  any  horse,  or  ass,  or  mule,  to 
go  up  a  hill,  whether  he  will  or  no;  be  he 
never  so  obstinate  or  ill- will' d,  the  moment 
he  hears  them  utter' d,  he  obeys.  They  are 
words  magic!  cried  the  abbess  in  the  utmost 
horror — No;  replied  Margarita  calmly — but 
they  are  words  sinful  —  What  are  they  ? 
quoth  the  abbess,  interrupting  her:  They 
are  sinful  in  the  first  degree,  answered  Mar- 
garita,— they  are  mortal — and  if  we  are  rav- 
ish'd  and  die  unabsolved  of  them,  we  shall 

both but  you  may  pronounce  them  to 

me,    quoth    the    abbess    of   Andouillets 

They  cannot,  my  dear  mother,  said  the  no- 
vice, be  pronounced  at  all;  they  will  make 
all  the  blood  in  one's  body  fly  up  into  one's 
face — But  you  may  whisper  them  in  my  ear, 
quoth  the  abbess. 

Heaven!  hadst  thou  no  guardian  angel  to 

58 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

delegate  to  the  inn  at  the  bottom  of  the 
hill  ?  was  there  no  generous  and  friendly 

spirit  unemployed no  agent  in  nature, 

by  some  monitory  shivering,  creeping  along 
the  artery  which  led  to  his  heart,  to  rouse 

the  muleteer  from  his  banquet? no  sweet 

minstrelsy  to  bring  back  the  fair  idea  of  the 
abbess  and  Margarita,  with  their  black  rosa- 
ries! 

Rouse !  rouse ! but  'tis  too  late  —  the 

horrid  words  are  pronounced  this  mo- 
ment  

and  how  to  tell  them — Ye,  who  can 

speak  of  every  thing  existing,  with  unpol- 
luted lips — instruct  me guide  me 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

ALL   sins   whatever,    quoth   the   abbess, 
turning    casuist   in   the    distress    they 
were  under,  are  held  by  the  confessor 
of  our  convent  to  be  either  mortal  or  venial: 
there  is  no  further  division.     Now  a  venial 
sin  being  the  slightest  and  least  of  all  sins, 

59 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

— being  halved — by  taking,  either  only  the 
half  of  it,  and  leaving  the  rest — or,  by  tak- 
ing it  all,  and  amicably  halving  it  betwixt 
yourself  and  another  person — in  course  be- 
comes diluted  into  no  sin  at  all. 

Now  I  see  no  sin  in  saying,  bou,  bou,  bou, 
bou,  bou,  a  hundred  times  together;  nor  is 
there  any  turpitude  in  pronouncing  the  syl- 
lable ger,  ger,  ger,  ger,  ger,  were  it  from 
our  matins  to  our  vespers:  Therefore,  my 
dear  daughter,  continued  the  abbess  of  An- 
douillets — I  will  say  bou,  and  thou  shalt  say 
ger;  and  then  alternately,  as  there  is  no 
more  sin  in  fou  than  in  bou — Thou  shalt 
say  fou — and  I  will  come  in  (like  fa,  sol,  la, 
re,  mi,  ut,  at  our  complines)  with  ter.  And 
accordingly  the  abbess,  giving  the  pitch  note, 
set  off  thus : 

Abbess,        )  Bou  -  -  bou  -  -  bou  -  - 
Margarita,  I  -    —ger,  -  -  ger,  -  -  ger. 
Margarita,  \  Fou  -  -  fou  -  -  fou  -  - 
Abbess,        j  ter,  -  -  ter,  -  -  ter. 

The  two  mules  acknowledged  the  notes 
by  a  mutual  lash  of  their  tails;  but  it  went 

no  further. 'Twill  answer  by  an'  by,  said 

the  novice. 

60 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Abbess,        |    Bou-  bou-  bou-  bou-  bou-  bou- 
Margarita,  j  — ger,  ger,   ger,  ger,   ger,  ger. 

Quicker  still,  cried  Margarita. 

Fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou,  fou. 

Quicker  still,  cried  Margarita. 

Bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou,  bou, 
bou. 

Quicker  still — God  preserve  me!  said  the 
abbess — They  do  not  understand  us,  cried 
Margarita  —  But  the  Devil  does,  said  the 
abbess  of  Andouillets. 


CHAPTER   XXVI. 

WHAT  a  tract  of  country  have  I  run ! — 
how  many  degrees  nearer  to  the  warm 
sun  am   I  advanced,  and   how  many 
fair  and  goodly  cities  have  I  seen,  during  the 
time  you  have  been  reading,  and  reflecting, 
Madam,  upon  this  story!    There's  FONTAIN- 
BLEAU,  and  SENS,  and  JOIGNY,  and  AUXERRE, 
and   DIJON   the   capital   of  Burgundy,    and 
CHALLON,    and    Macon    the    capital   of   the 

61 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Maconese,  and  a  score  more  upon  the  road 

to    LYONS and    now    I    have   run    them 

over 1  might  as  well  talk  to  you  of  so 

many  market  towns  in  the  moon,  as  tell 
you  one  word  about  them:  it  will  be  this 
chapter  at  the  least,  if  not  both  this  and 

the  next  entirely  lost,  do  what  I  will 

—Why,  'tis  a  strange  story!    Tristram. 

Alas!   Madam, 

had  it  been  upon  some  melancholy  lecture 
of  the  cross — the  peace  of  meekness,  or  the 

contentment    of    resignation 1    had    not 

been  incommoded:  or  had  I  thought  of 
writing  it  upon  the  purer  abstractions  of 
the  soul,  and  that  food  of  wisdom  and 
holiness  and  contemplation,  upon  which  the 
spirit  of  man  (when  separated  from  the 

body)  is   to  subsist  for  ever You  would 

have  come  with  a  better  appetite  from  it 

1  wish  I  never  had  wrote  it:  but  as 

I   never  blot   any  thing   out let   us   use 

some  honest  means  to  get  it  out  of  our 
heads  directly. 

Pray   reach    me    my   fool's    cap 1 

fear  you  sit  upon  it,  Madam 'tis   under 

the  cushion I'll  put  it  on 

Bless    me !    you   have   had   it   upon   your 

69 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

head    this    half   hour. There  then   let  it 

stay,  with  a 

Fa-ra  diddle  di 

and  a  fa-ri  diddle  d 

and  a  high-dum — dye-dum 

fiddle dumb  -  c. 

And  now,  Madam,  we  may  venture,  I  hope, 
a  little  to  go  on. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

All  you  need  say  of  Fontainbleau  (in 

case  you  are  ask'd)  is,  that  it  stands  about 
forty  miles  (south  something)  from  Paris,  in 

the  middle  of  a  large  forest That  there 

is   something   great   in   it That  the  king 

goes  there  once  every  two  or  three  years, 
with  his  whole  court,  for  the  pleasure  of 
the  chase — and  that,  during  that  carnival  of 
sporting,  any  English  gentleman  of  fashion 
(you  need  not  forget  yourself)  may  be  ac- 
commodated with  a  nag  or  two,  to  partake 
of  the  sport,  taking  care  only  not  to  out- 
gallop the  king 

63 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Though  there  are  two  reasons  why  you 
need  not  talk  loud  of  this  to  every  one. 

First,  Because  'twill  make  the  said  nags 
the  harder  to  be  got;  and 

Secondly,  'Tis  not  a  word  of  it  true. 

Allans! 

As  for  SENS you  may  dispatch  it  in  a 

word '"Tis  an  archiepiscopal  see." 

For  JOIGNY — the  less,  I  think,  one 

says  of  it,  the  better. 

But  for  AUXERRE — I  could  go  on  for  ever : 
for  in  my  grand  tour  through  Europe,  in 
which,  after  all,  my  father  (not  caring  to  trust 
me  with  any  one)  attended  me  himself,  with 
my  uncle  Toby,  and  Trim,  and  Obadiah,  and 
indeed  most  of  the  family,  except  my  mother, 
who  being  taken  up  with  a  project  of  knitting 
my  father  a  pair  of  large  worsted  breeches — 
(the  thing  is  common  sense) — and  she  not 
caring  to  be  put  out  of  her  way,  she  staid  at 
home,  at  SHANDY  HALL,  to  keep  things  right 
during  the  expedition;  in  which,  I  say,  my 
father  stopping  us  two  days  at  Auxerre,  and 
his  researches  being  ever  of  such  a  nature, 
that  they  would  have  found  fruit  even  in  a 

desert he  has  left  me  enough  to  say  upon 

AUXERRE  :  in  short,  wherever  my  father  went 

64 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

but   'twas   more   remarkably  so,   in  this 

journey  through  France  and  Italy,  than  in 

any  other  stages  of  his  life his  road  seemed 

to  lie  so  much  on  one  side  of  that,  wherein  all 
other  travellers  have  gone  before  him — he  saw 
kings  and  courts  and  silks  of  all  colours,  in 

such  strange  lights and   his   remarks  and 

reasonings  upon  the  characters,  the  manners, 
and  customs  of  the  countries  we  pass'd  over, 
were  so  opposite  to  those  of  all  other  mortal 
men,  particularly  those  of  my  uncle  Toby  and 
Trim — (to  say  nothing  of  myself) — and  to 
crown  all — the  occurrences  and  scrapes  which 
we  were  perpetually  meeting  and  getting  in- 
to, in  consequence  of  his  systems  and  opin- 
iatry — they  were  of  so  odd,  so  mix'd  and 
tragi-comical  a  contexture — That  the  whole 
put  together,  it  appears  of  so  different  a  shade 
and  tint  from  any  tour  of  Europe,  which  was 
ever  executed — that  I  will  venture  to  pro- 
nounce— the  fault  must  be  mine  and  mine 
only — if  it  be  not  read  by  all  travellers  and 
travel-readers,  till  travelling  is  no  more, — or 
which  comes  to  the  same  point — till  the 
world,  finally,  takes  it  into  its  head  to  stand 

still. 

But  this  rich  bale  is  not  to  be  open'd 

65 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

now;  except  a  small  thread  or  two  of  it, 
merely  to  unravel  the  mystery  of  my  father's 
stay  at  AUXERRE. 

As  I  have  mentioned  it — 'tis  too  slight 

to  be  kept  suspended ;  and  when  'tis  wove  in, 
there  is  an  end  of  it. 

We'll  go,  brother  Toby,  said  my  father, 
whilst  dinner  is  coddling — to  the  abby  of 
Saint  Germain,  if  it  be  only  to  see  these 
bodies,  of  which  Monsieur  Sequier  has  given 

such  a  recommendation. I'll  go  see  any 

body,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby;  for  he  was  all 
compliance  through  every  step  of  the  jour- 
ney  Defend  me!  said  my  father — they 

are  all  mummies Then  one  need  not 

shave;  quoth  my  uncle  Toby Shave!  no 

— cried  my  father — 'twill  be  more  like  rela- 
tions to  go  with  our  beards  on — So  out  we 
sallied,  the  corporal  lending  his  master  his 
arm,  and  bringing  up  the  rear,  to  the  abby 
of  Saint  Germain. 

Every  thing  is  very  fine,  and  very  rich, 
and  very  superb,  and  very  magnificent,  said 
my  father,  addressing  himself  to  the  sacris- 
tan, who  was  a  younger  brother  of  the  order 
of  Benedictines — but  our  curiosity  has  led  us 
to  see  the  bodies,  of  which  Monsieur  Sequier 

66 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

has  given  the  world  so  exact  a  description. — 
The  sacristan  made  a  bow,  and  lighting  a 
torch  first,  which  he  had  always  in  the  ves- 
try ready  for  the  purpose;  he  led  us  into 

the  tomb  of  St  Heribald This,  said  the 

sacristan,  laying  his  hand  upon  the  tomb, 
was  a  renowned  prince  of  the  house  of 
Bavaria,  who  under  the  successive  reigns  of 
Charlemagne,  Louis  le  Debonnair,  and  Charles 
the  Bald,  bore  a  great  sway  in  the  govern- 
ment, and  had  a  principal  hand  in  bringing 
every  thing  into  order  and  discipline 

Then  he  has  been  as  great,  said  my  uncle, 

in  the  field,  as  in  the  cabinet 1  dare  say 

he  has  been  a  gallant  soldier He  was  a 

monk — said  the  sacristan. 

My  uncle  Toby  and  Trim  sought  comfort 
in  each  other's  faces — but  found  it  not:  my 
father  clapped  both  his  hands  upon  his  cod- 
piece, which  was  a  way  he  had  when  any 
thing  hugely  tickled  him :  for  though  he 
hated  a  monk  and  the  very  smell  of  a 

monk  worse  than  all  the  devils  in  hell 

yet  the  shot  hitting  my  uncle  Toby  and 
Trim  so  much  harder  than  him,  'twas  a 
relative  triumph;  and  put  him  into  the 
gayest  humour  in  the  world. 

67 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

And  pray  what  do  you  call  this  gen- 
tleman? quoth  my  father,  rather  sportingly: 
This  tomb,  said  the  young  Benedictine,  look- 
ing downwards,  contains  the  bones  of  Saint 
MAXIMA,  who  came  from  Ravenna  on  pur- 
pose to  touch  the  body 

Of  Saint  MAXIMUS,  said  my  father, 

popping  in  with  his  saint  before  him, — they 
were  two  of  the  greatest  saints  in  the  whole 

martyrology,  added  my  father Excuse  me, 

said  the  sacristan 'twas  to  touch  the 

bones  of  Saint  Germain,  the  builder  of  the 

abby And  what  did  she  get  by  it?  said 

my  uncle  Toby What  does  any  woman 

get  by  it?  said  my  father MARTYRDOME; 

replied  the  young  Benedictine,  making  a  bow 
down  to  the  ground,  and  uttering  the  word 
with  so  humble,  but  decisive  a  cadence,  it 
disarmed  my  father  for  a  moment.  'Tis 
supposed,  continued  the  Benedictine,  that  St 
Maxima  has  lain  in  this  tomb  four  hundred 
years,  and  two  hundred  before  her  canoniza- 
tion  'Tis  but  a  slow  rise,  brother  Toby, 

quoth  my  father,  in  this  self-same  army  of 

martyrs. A  desperate  slow  one,  an'  please 

your  honour,  said  Trim,  unless  one  could  pur- 
chase  1  should  rather  sell  out  entirely, 

68 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

quoth  my  uncle  Toby 1  am  pretty  much 

of  your  opinion,  brother  Toby,  said  my 
father. 

Poor  St  Maxima!  said  my  uncle  Toby 

low  to  himself,  as  we  turn'd  from  her  tomb : 
She  was  one  of  the  fairest  and  most  beautiful 
ladies  either  of  Italy  or  France,  continued 

the  sacristan But  who  the  duce  has  got 

lain  down  here,  besides  her  ?  quoth  my 
father,  pointing  with  his  cane  to  a  large 

tomb  as  we  walked  on It  is  Saint  Optat, 

Sir,  answered  the  sacristan And  properly 

is  Saint  Optat  plac'd!  said  my  father:  And 
what  is  Saint  Opiates  story  ?  continued  he. 
Saint  Optat,  replied  the  sacristan,  was  a 
bishop 

1  thought  so,  by  heaven!  cried  my 

father,  interrupting  him Saint  Optat  f- 


how  should  Saint  Optat  fail  ?  so  snatching 
out  his  pocket-book,  and  the  young  Bene- 
dictine holding  him  the  torch  as  he  wrote, 
he  set  it  down  as  a  new  prop  to  his  system 
of  Christian  names,  and  I  will  be  bold  to 
say,  so  disinterested  was  he  in  the  search  of 
truth,  that  had  he  found  a  treasure  in  Saint 
Opiates  tomb,  it  would  not  have  made  him 
half  so  rich:  'Twas  as  successful  a  short 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

visit  as  ever  was  paid  to  the  dead;  and  so 
highly  was  his  fancy  pleas' d  with  all  that 
had  passed  in  it,  —  that  he  determined  at 
once  to  stay  another  day  in  Auxerre. 

— I'll  see  the  rest  of  these  good  gentry 
to-morrow,  said  my  father,  as  we  cross'd 
over  the  square — And  while  you  are  paying 
that  visit,  brother  Shandy,  quoth  my  uncle 
Toby — the  corporal  and  I  will  mount  the 
ramparts. 


N 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

OW  this  is  the  most  puzzled  skein 

of  all for  in  this  last  chapter, 

as  far  at  least  as  it  has  help'd 
me  through  Auxerre,  I  have  been  getting 
forwards  in  two  different  journies  together, 
and  with  the  same  dash  of  the  pen — for  I 
have  got  entirely  out  of  Auxerre  in  this 
journey  which  I  am  writing  now,  and  I  am 
got  half  way  out  of  Auxerre  in  that  which 

I   shall  write  hereafter There   is   but   a 

certain  degree  of  perfection  in  every  thing; 

70 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

and  by  pushing  at  something  beyond  that, 
I  have  brought  myself  into  such  a  situation, 
as  no  traveller  ever  stood  before  me;  for  I 
am  this  moment  walking  across  the  market- 
place of  Auxerre  with  my  father  and  my 

uncle  Toby,  in  our  way  back  to  dinner 

and  I  am  this  moment  also  entering  Lyons 
with  my  post-chaise  broke  into  a  thousand 
pieces — and  I  am  moreover  this  moment  in 
a  handsome  pavillion  built  by  Pringello,* 
upon  the  banks  of  the  Garonne,  which  Mons. 
Sligniac  has  lent  me,  and  where  I  now  sit 
rhapsodising  all  these  affairs. 

Let   me   collect   myself,    and   pursue 

my  journey. 


*The  same  Don  Pringello,  the  celebrated  Spanish  architect, 
of  whom  my  cousin  Antony  has  made  such  honourable  mention 
in  a  scholium  to  the  Tale  inscribed  to  his  name. — Vid.  p.  129, 
small  edit. 

71 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 

I   AM   glad  of  it,  said  I,  settling  the  ac- 
count  with    myself,   as    I   walk'd    into 
Lyons my  chaise  being  all  laid  hig- 
gledy-piggledy with  my  baggage  in  a  cart, 

which  was  moving  slowly  before  me 1 

am  heartily  glad,  said  I,  that  'tis  all  broke 
to  pieces;  for  now  I  can  go  directly  by 
water  to  Avignon,  which  will  carry  me  on 
a  hundred  and  twenty  miles  of  my  journey, 

and  not  cost  me  seven  livres and  from 

thence,  continued  I,  bringing  forwards  the 
account,  I  can  hire  a  couple  of  mules — or 
asses,  if  I  like,  (for  nobody  knows  me)  and 
cross  the  plains  of  Languedoc,  for  almost 

nothing 1  shall  gain  four  hundred  livres 

by  the  misfortune  clear  into  my  purse;  and 
pleasure!  worth — worth  double  the  money 
by  it.  With  what  velocity,  continued  I, 
clapping  my  two  hands  together,  shall  I  fly 
down  the  rapid  Rhone,  with  the  VIVARES  on 
my  right  hand,  and  DAUPHINY  on  my  left, 
scarce  seeing  the  ancient  cities  of  VIENNE, 

78 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Valence,  and  Vlvieres.  What  a  flame  will 
it  rekindle  in  the  lamp,  to  snatch  a  blush- 
ing grape  from  the  Hermitage  and  Cote  roti, 
as  I  shoot  by  the  foot  of  them!  and  what  a 
fresh  spring  in  the  blood !  to  behold  upon 
the  banks  advancing  and  retiring,  the  castles 
of  romance,  whence  courteous  knights  have 

whilome   rescued   the   distress'd and   see 

vertiginous,  the  rocks,  the  mountains,  the 
cataracts,  and  all  the  hurry  which  Nature  is 

in  with  all  her  great  works  about  her 

As  I  went  on  thus,  methought  my  chaise, 
the  wreck  of  which  look'd  stately  enough 
at  the  first,  insensibly  grew  less  and  less  in 
its  size;  the  freshness  of  the  painting  was  no 
more — the  gilding  lost  its  lustre — and  the 
whole  affair  appeared  so  poor  in  my  eyes — 
so  sorry! — so  contemptible!  and,  in  a  word, 
so  much  worse  than  the  abbess  of  Andouil- 
lets'  itself — that  I  was  just  opening  my 
mouth  to  give  it  to  the  devil — when  a  pert 
vamping  chaise-undertaker,  stepping  nimbly 
across  the  street,  demanded  if  Monsieur 

would   have   his   chaise   refitted No,   no, 

said  I,  shaking  my  head  sideways — Would 
Monsieur  chuse  to  sell  it?  rejoined  the  un- 
dertaker—  With  all  my  soul,  said  I  —  the 

73 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

iron  work  is  worth  forty  livres  —  and  the 
glasses  worth  forty  more  —  and  the  leather 
you  may  take  to  live  on. 

What  a  mine  of  wealth,  quoth  I,  as  he 
counted  me  the  money,  has  this  post-chaise 
brought  me  in?  And  this  is  my  usual 
method  of  book-keeping,  at  least  with  the 
disasters  of  life  —  making  a  penny  of  every 
one  of  'em  as  they  happen  to  me  - 

-  Do,  my  dear  Jenny,  tell  the  world 
for  me,  how  I  behaved  under  one,  the  most 
oppressive  of  its  kind,  which  could  befal  me 
as  a  man,  proud,  as  he  ought  to  be,  of  his 
manhood  - 

'Tis  enough,  saidst  thou,  coming  close  up 
to  me,  as  I  stood  with  my  garters  in  my 
hand,  reflecting  upon  what  had  not  pass'd 
-  'Tis  enough,  Tristram,  and  I  am  satis- 
fied, saidst  thou,  whispering  these  words  in 

TV*       Tr***??       'jT'Tr'Tr       -Tp  •Tr'Tr'Tr'TrTV'  •  W'TrTf'Tr       TTTT 


TY"I117' 

**  -  any  other  man  would  have  sunk  down 
to  the  center  - 

-  Every  thing  is  good  for  something, 
quoth  I. 

-  I'll  go  into  Wales  for  six  weeks,  and 
drink  goat's  whey  —  and  I'll  gain  seven  years 
longer  life  for  the  accident.    For  which  rea- 

74 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

son  I  think  myself  inexcusable,  for  blaming 
fortune  so  often  as  I  have  done,  for  pelt- 
ing me  all  my  life  long,  like  an  ungracious 
duchess,  as  I  call'd  her,  with  so  many  small 
evils:  surely  if  I  have  any  cause  to  be  an- 
gry with  her,  'tis  that  she  has  not  sent  me 
great  ones — a  score  of  good  cursed,  bounc- 
ing losses,  would  have  been  as  good  as  a 
pension  to  me. 

One  of  a  hundred  a  year,  or  so,  is  all 

I  wish — I  would  not  be  at  the  plague  of 
paying  land-tax  for  a  larger. 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

TO  those  who  call  vexations,  VEXATIONS, 
as  knowing  what  they  are,  there  could 
not  be  a  greater,  than  to  be  the  best 
part  of  a  day  at  Lyons,  the  most  opulent 
and  flourishing  city  in  France,  enriched  with 
the  most  fragments   of  antiquity — and   not 
be   able   to   see   it.      To  be  withheld  upon 
any  account,  must  be  a  vexation;  but  to  be 

75 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

withheld  by  a  vexation must  certainly  be, 

what  philosophy  justly  calls 


VEXATION 

UPON 

VEXATION. 

I  had  got  my  two  dishes  of  milk  coffee 
(which  by  the  bye  is  excellently  good  for 
a  consumption,  but  you  must  boil  the  milk 
and  coffee  together — otherwise  'tis  only  cof- 
fee and  milk) — and  as  it  was  no  more  than 
eight  in  the  morning,  and  the  boat  did  not 
go  off  till  noon,  I  had  time  to  see  enough 
of  Lyons  to  tire  the  patience  of  all  the 
friends  I  had  in  the  world  with  it.  I  will 
take  a  walk  to  the  cathedral,  said  I,  look- 
ing at  my  list,  and  see  the  wonderful  me- 
chanism of  this  great  clock  of  Lippius  of 
Basil,  in  the  first  place 

Now,  of  all  things  in  the  world,  I  under- 
stand the  least  of  mechanism 1  have 

neither  genius,  or  taste,  or  fancy — and  have 
a  brain  so  entirely  unapt  for  every  thing  of 
that  kind,  that  I  solemnly  declare  I  was 

76 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

never  yet  able  to  comprehend  the  principles 
of  motion  of  a  squirrel  cage,  or  a  common 
knife-grinder's  wheel — tho'  I  have  many  an 
hour  of  my  life  look'd  up  with  great  devo- 
tion at  the  one — and  stood  by  with  as  much 
patience  as  any  Christian  ever  could  do,  at 
the  other 

I'll  go  see  the  surprising  movements  of 
this  great  clock,  said  I,  the  very  first  thing 
I  do:  and  then  I  will  pay  a  visit  to  the 
great  library  of  the  Jesuits,  and  procure,  if 
possible,  a  sight  of  the  thirty  volumes  of 
the  general  history  of  China,  wrote  (not  in 
the  Tartarean)  but  in  the  Chinese  language, 
and  in  the  Chinese  character  too. 

Now  I  almost  know  as  little  of  the  Chinese 
language,  as  I  do  of  the  mechanism  of  Lip- 
pins' s  clock-work ;  so,  why  these  should  have 
jostled  themselves  into  the  two  first  articles 

of  my  list 1   leave  to  the   curious  as  a 

problem  of  Nature.  I  own  it  looks  like  one 
of  her  ladyship's  obliquities;  and  they  who 
court  her,  are  interested  in  finding  out  her 
humour  as  much  as  I. 

When  these  curiosities  are  seen,  quoth  I, 
half  addressing  myself  to  my  valet  de  place, 
who  stood  behind  me 'twill  be  no  hurt 

77 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

if  WE  go  to  the  church  of  St  Irenceus,  and 

see  the  pillar  to  which  Christ  was  tied 

and  after  that,  the  house  where  Pontius  Pilate 

lived 'Twas  at  the  next  town,  said  the 

valet  de  place — at  Vienne;  I  am  glad  of  it, 
said  I,  rising  briskly  from  my  chair,  and 
walking  across  the  room  with  strides  twice 

as  long  as  my  usual  pace "for  so  much 

the  sooner  shall  I  be  at  the  Tomb  of  the 
two  lovers." 

What  was  the  cause  of  this  movement, 
and  why  I  took  such  long  strides  in  utter- 
ing this 1  might  leave  to  the  curious 

too ;    but  as   no  principle   of  clock-work  is 

concerned  in  it 'twill  be  as  well  for  the 

reader  if  I  explain  it  myself. 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

O!   THERE  is  a  sweet  sera  in  the  life  of 
man  when,  (the  brain  being  tender  and 
fibrillous,  and  more  like  pap  than  any 
thing  else) — a  story  read  of  two  fond  lovers, 
separated  from  each  other  by  cruel  parents, 
and  by  still  more  cruel  destiny 

A  mandus He 

A  manda She 

each  ignorant  of  the  other's  course, 

He east 

She west 

Amandus  taken  captive  by  the  Turks,  and 
carried  to  the  emperor  of  Morocco's  court, 
where  the  princess  of  Morocco  falling  in 
love  with  him,  keeps  him  twenty  years  in 

prison,  for  the  love  of  his  Amanda. 

She — (Amanda)  all  the  time  wandering 
barefoot,  and  with  dishevell'd  hair,  o'er 
rocks  and  mountains,  enquiring  for  Aman- 
dus   A  mandus  f  A  mandus  ! making 

every  hill  and  valley  to  echo  back  his 
name 

Amandus!  Amandus! 

19 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

at  every  town  and  city,  sitting  down  for- 
lorn at  the  gate Has  Amandus! — has  my 

Amandus   enter'd  ? till, going  round, 

and  round,  and  round  the  world chance 

unexpected  bringing  them  at  the  same  mo- 
ment of  the  night,  though  by  different 
ways,  to  the  gate  of  Lyons,  their  native 
city,  and  each  in  well-known  accents  call- 
ing out  aloud, 

Is  Amandus          j    ^  aliye? 
Is  my  Amanda    ) 

they  fly  into  each  other's  arms,  and  both 
drop  down  dead  for  joy. 

There  is  a  soft  asra  in  every  gentle  mor- 
tal's life,  where  such  a  story  affords  more 
pabulum  to  the  brain,  than  all  the  Frusts, 
and  Crusts,  and  Rusts  of  antiquity,  which 
travellers  can  cook  up  for  it. 

'Twas  all  that  stuck  on  the  right  side 

of  the  cullender  in  my  own,  of  what  Spon 
and  others,  in  their  accounts  of  Lyons,  had 
strained  into  it;  and  finding,  moreover,  in 

some  Itinerary,  but  in  what  God  knows 

That  sacred  to  the  fidelity  of  Amandus  and 
Amanda,  a  tomb  was  built  without  the 
gates,  where,  to  this  hour,  lovers  called 
upon  them  to  attest  their  truths 1  never 


80 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

could  get  into  a  scrape  of  that  kind  in  my 
life,  but  this  tomb  of  the  lovers  would,  some- 
how or  other,  come  in  at  the  close nay 

such  a  kind  of  empire  had  it  establish 'd  over 
me,  that  I  could  seldom  think  or  speak  of 
Lyons — and  sometimes  not  so  much  as  see 
even  a  Lyons-waistcoat,  but  this  remnant  of 
antiquity  would  present  itself  to  my  fancy; 
and  I  have  often  said  in  my  wild  way  of 
running  on tho'  I  fear  with  some  irrev- 
erence  "I  thought  this  shrine  (neglected 

as  it  was)  as  valuable  as  that  of  Mecca.,  and 
so  little  short,  except  in  wealth,  of  the  Santa 
Casa  itself,  that  some  time  or  other,  I  would 
go  a  pilgrimage  (though  I  had  no  other 
business  at  Lyons)  on  purpose  to  pay  it  a 
visit." 

In  my  list,  therefore,  of  Videnda  at  Lyons, 
this,  tho'  last, — was  not,  you  see,  least;  so 
taking  a  dozen  or  two  of  longer  strides  than 
usual  across  my  room,  just  whilst  it  passed 
my  brain,  I  walked  down  calmly  into  the 
Basse  Cour,  in  order  to  sally  forth;  and 
having  called  for  my  bill — as  it  was  uncer- 
tain whether  I  should  return  to  my  inn,  I 

had  paid  it had  moreover  given  the  maid 

ten  sous,  and  was  just  receiving  the  dernier 

81 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

compliments  of   Monsieur  Le  Blanc,  for  a 

pleasant  voyage  down  the  Rhone when  I 

was  stopped  at  the  gate 


T 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

I  WAS  by  a  poor  ass,  who  had  just 
turned  in  with  a  couple  of  large 
panniers  upon  his  back,  to  collect 
eleemosynary  turnip- tops  and  cabbage-leaves ; 
and  stood  dubious,  with  his  two  fore-feet  on 
the  inside  of  the  threshold,  and  with  his 
two  hinder  feet  towards  the  street,  as  not 
knowing  very  well  whether  he  was  to  go  in 
or  no. 

Now,  'tis  an  animal  (be  in  what  hurry  I 

may)  I  cannot  bear  to  strike there  is  a 

patient  endurance  of  sufferings,  wrote  so  un- 
affectedly in  his  looks  and  carriage,  which 
pleads  so  mightily  for  him,  that  it  always 
disarms  me;  and  to  that  degree,  that  I  do 
not  like  to  speak  unkindly  to  him:  on  the 
contrary,  meet  him  where  I  will — whether 
in  town  or  country — in  cart  or  under  pan- 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

niers — whether   in   liberty   or   bondage 1 

have  ever  something  civil  to  say  to  him  on 
my  part;  and  as  one  word  begets  another 
(if  he  has  as  little  to  do  as  I) 1  gener- 
ally fall  into  conversation  with  him ;  and 
surely  never  is  my  imagination  so  busy  as 
in  framing  his  responses  from  the  etchings 
of  his  countenance! — and  where  those  carry 

me  not  deep  enough in  flying  from  my 

own  heart  into  his,  and  seeing  what  is  nat- 
ural for  an  ass  to  think — as  well  as  a  man, 
upon  the  occasion.  In  truth,  it  is  the  only 
creature  of  all  the  classes  of  beings  below 
me,  with  whom  I  can  do  this:  for  parrots, 

jackdaws,   &c. 1  never  exchange  a  word 

with  them nor  with    the   apes,    &c.    for 

pretty  near  the  same  reason;  they  act  by 
rote,  as  the  others  speak  by  it,  and  equally 
make  me  silent:  nay  my  dog  and  my  cat, 

though   I  value  them  both (and  for  my 

dog  he  would  speak  if  he  could) — yet  some- 
how or  other,  they  neither  of  them  possess 

the  talents  for  conversation 1  can  make 

nothing  of  a  discourse  with  them,  beyond 
the  proposition,  the  reply,  and  ry'oinder, 
which  terminated  my  father's  and  my 
mother's  conversations,  in  his  beds  of  jus- 

83 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

and  those  utter'd there's  an  end 

of  the  dialogue 

— But  with  an  ass,  I  can  commune  for 
ever. 

Come,  Honesty!  said  I, seeing  it  was 

impracticable  to  pass  betwixt  him  and  the 

gate art  thou  for  coming  in,  or  going 

out? 

The  ass  twisted  his  head  round  to  look 
up  the  street 

Well — replied  I — we'll  wait  a  minute  for 
thy  driver: 

He  turned  his  head  thoughtful  about, 

and  looked  wistfully  the  opposite  way 

I  understand  thee  perfectly,  answered  I 
-If  thou  takest  a  wrong  step  in  this 


affair,  he  will  cudgel  thee  to  death Well! 

a  minute  is  but  a  minute,  and  if  it  saves  a 
fellow-creature  a  drubbing,  it  shall  not  be 
set  down  as  ill  spent. 

He  was  eating  the  stem  of  an  artichoke 
as  this  discourse  went  on,  and  in  the  little 
peevish  contentions  of  nature  betwixt  hun- 
ger and  unsavouriness,  had  dropt  it  out  of 
his  mouth  half  a  dozen  times,  and  pick'd  it 

up  again God   help  thee,  Jack!  said   I, 

thou  hast  a  bitter  breakfast  on't — and  many 

84 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

a    bitter   day's   labour — and    many   a   bitter 

blow,    I    fear,   for   its   wages 'tis   all — all 

bitterness  to  thee,  whatever  life  is  to  others. 

And  now  thy  mouth,  if  one  knew  the 

truth  of  it,  is  as  bitter,  I  dare  say,  as  soot 
— (for  he  had  cast  aside  the  stem)  and  thou 
hast  not  a  friend  perhaps  in  all  this  world, 
that  will  give  thee  a  macaroon. In  say- 
ing this,  I  pull'd  out  a  paper  of  'em,  which 
I  had  just  purchased,  and  gave  him  one — 
and  at  this  moment  that  I  am  telling  it, 
my  heart  smites  me,  that  there  was  more  of 
pleasantry  in  the  conceit,  of  seeing  how  an 
ass  would  eat  a  macaroon than  of  be- 
nevolence in  giving  him  one,  which  presided 
in  the  act. 

When  the  ass  had  eaten  his  macaroon,  I 

press' d  him  to  come  in the  poor  beast 

was   heavily   loaded his    legs    seem'd   to 

tremble  under  him he  hung  rather  back- 
wards, and  as  I  pull'd  at  his  halter,  it  broke 

short  in  my  hand he  look'd  up  pensive 

in  my  face — "  Don't  thrash  me  with  it — but 

if  you  will,  you  may" If  I  do,  said  I, 

I'll  be  d d. 

The   word   was    but   one-half   of   it   pro- 
nounced, like   the   abbess   of  Andouillets* — 

85    „ 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

(so  there  was  no  sin  in  it) — when  a  person 
coming  in,  let  fall  a  thundering  bastinado 
upon  the  poor  devil's  crupper,  which  put  an 
end  to  the  ceremony. 

Out  upon  it! 

cried  I but  the  interjection  was  equivo- 
cal  and,  I  think,  wrong  placed  too — for 

the  end  of  an  osier  which  had  started  out 
from  the  contexture  of  the  ass's  pannier, 
had  caught  hold  of  my  breeches  pocket,  as 
he  rush'd  by  me,  and  rent  it  in  the  most 

disastrous   direction   you   can   imagine so 

that  the 

Out  upon  it!  in  my  opinion,  should  have 
come  in  here but  this  I  leave  to  be  set- 
tled by 

THE 
REVIEWERS 

OF 
MY  BREECHES, 

which  I  have  brought  over  along  with  me 
for  that  purpose. 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XXXIII. 

WHEN  all  was  set  to  rights,  I  came 
down  stairs  again  into  the  basse  cour 
with  my  valet  de  place,  in  order  to 
sally  out  towards  the  tomb  of  the  two 
lovers,  &c. — and  was  a  second  time  stopp'd 

at  the  gate not  by  the  ass — but  by  the 

person  who  struck  him;  and  who,  by  that 
time,  had  taken  possession  (as  is  not  un- 
common after  a  defeat)  of  the  very  spot  of 
ground  where  the  ass  stood. 

It  was  a  commissary  sent  to  me  from  the 
post-office,  with  a  rescript  in  his  hand  for 
the  payment  of  some  six  livres  odd  sous. 

Upon  what  account?  said  I. 'Tis  upon 

the  part  of  the  king,  replied  the  commissary, 
heaving  up  both  his  shoulders — — 

My  good  friend,  quoth  I as  sure 

as  I  am  I — and  you  are  you 


-And  who  are  you?  said  he.- 


Don't  puzzle  me;  said  I. 


•7 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 


But  it  is  an  indubitable  verity,  con- 
tinued I,  addressing  myself  to  the  commis- 
sary, changing  only  the  form  of  my  asse- 
veration  that  I  owe  the  king  of  France 

nothing  but  my  good- will;  for  he  is  a  very 
honest  man,  and  I  wish  him  all  health  and 
pastime  in  the  world 

Pardonnez  moi — replied  the  commissary, 
you  are  indebted  to  him  six  livres  four 
sous,  for  the  next  post  from  hence  to  St 
Fons,  in  your  route  to  Avignon — which  be- 
ing a  post  royal,  you  pay  double  for  the 
horses  and  postillion — otherwise  'twould  have 
amounted  to  no  more  than  three  livres,  two 
sous 

But  I  don't  go  by  land;  said  I. 

You  may  if  you  please;   replied  the 


commissary 

Your    most    obedient    servant said    I, 

making  him  a  low  bow 

The  commissary,  with  all  the  sincerity  of 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

grave  good  breeding — made  me  6ne,  as  low 

again. 1  never  was  more  disconcerted 

with  a  bow  in  my  life. 

The  devil  take  the  serious  character 

of  these  people!  quoth  I — (aside)  they  un- 
derstand no  more  of  IRONY  than  this 

The  comparison  was  standing  close  by 
with  his  panniers — but  something  seal'd  up 
my  lips — I  could  not  pronounce  the  name — 

Sir,  said  I,  collecting  myself — it  is  not 
my  intention  to  take  post 

— But  you  may — said  he,  persisting  in 
his  first  reply — you  may  take  post  if  you 
chuse 

— And  I  may  take  salt  to  my  pickled 
herring,  said  I,  if  I  chuse 

— But  I  do  not  chuse — 

— But  you  must  pay  for  it,  whether  you 
do  or  no. 

Aye!  for  the  salt;  said  I  (I  know) 

— And  for  the  post  too;  added  he.  De- 
fend me!  cried  I 

I  travel  by  water — I  am  going  down  the 
Rhone  this  very  afternoon — my  baggage  is 
in  the  boat — and  I  have  actually  paid  nine 
livres  for  my  passage 

C'est  tout  egal — 'tis  all  one;  said  he. 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Bon  Dieu!  what,  pay  for  the  way  1  go! 
and  for  the  way  I  do  not  go! 

C'est  tout  egal;  replied  the  commis- 


sary  

The  devil  it  is!  said  I — but  I  will  go 

to  ten  thousand  Bastiles  first 

0  England!  England/  thou  land  of  lib- 
erty, and  climate  of  good  sense,  thou  ten- 
derest  of  mothers — and  gentlest  of  nurses, 
cried  I,  kneeling  upon  one  knee,  as   I  was 
beginning  my  apostrophe. 

When  the  director  of  Madam  Le  Blanc's 
conscience  coming  in  at  that  instant,  and 
seeing  a  person  in  black,  with  a  face  as  pale 
as  ashes,  at  his  devotions — looking  still  paler 
by  the  contrast  and  distress  of  his  drapery — 
ask'd,  if  I  stood  in  want  of  the  aids  of  the 
church 

1  go  by  WATER — said    I — and  here's  an- 
other will  be  for  making  me  pay  for  going 
by  OIL. 


90 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

AS  I  perceived  the  commissary  of  the 
post-office  would  have  his  six  livres 
four  sous,  I  had  nothing  else  for  it, 
but  to  say  some  smart  thing  upon  the  occa- 
sion, worth  the  money: 

And  so  I  set  off  thus: — 

And  pray,  Mr  Commissary,  by  what 

law  of  courtesy  is  a  defenceless  stranger  to 
be  used  just  the  reverse  from  what  you  use 
a  Frenchman  in  this  matter? 

By  no  means;  said  he. 

Excuse  me;  said  I — for  you  have  begun, 
Sir,  with  first  tearing  off  my  breeches — and 
now  you  want  my  pocket 

Whereas — had  you  first  taken  my  pocket, 
as  you  do  with  your  own  people — and  then 
left  me  bare  a — 'd  after — I  had  been  a 
beast  to  have  complain'd 

As  it  is 

'Tis  contrary  to  the  law  of  nature. 

'Tis  contrary  to  reason. 

'Tis  contrary  to  the  GOSPEL. 

91 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

But  not  to  this said    he — putting   a 

printed  paper  into  my  hand, 

PAR  LE  ROY. 

'Tis  a  pithy  prolegomenon,  quoth 


I — and  so  read  on 


By  all  which  it  appears,  quoth  I,  hav- 
ing read  it  over,  a  little  too  rapidly,  that  if 
a  man  sets  out  in  a  post-chaise  from  Paris 
— he  must  go  on  travelling  in  one,  all  the 
days  of  his  life — or  pay  for  it. — Excuse  me, 
said  the  commissary,  the  spirit  of  the  ordi- 
nance is  this — That  if  you  set  out  with  an 
intention  of  running  post  from  Paris  to 
Avignon,,  &c.  you  shall  not  change  that  in- 
tention or  mode  of  travelling,  without  first 
satisfying  the  fermiers  for  two  posts  further 
than  the  place  you  repent  at  —  and 
founded,  continued  he,  upon  this,  that  the 
REVENUES  are  not  to  fall  short  through  yoi 
fickleness 

93 


- 

OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

O   by  heavens!   cried   I — if  fickleness 

is  taxable  in  France — we  have  nothing  to 
do  but  to  make  the  best  peace  with  you 
we  can 

AND    SO    THE   PEACE    WAS    MADE; 

And  if  it  is  a  bad  one  —  as  Tristram 

Shandy  laid  the  corner-stone  of  it — nobody 
but  Tristram  Shandy  ought  to  be  hanged. 


CHAPTER    XXXVI. 

THOUGH  I  was  sensible  I  had  said  as 
many  clever  things  to  the  commissary 
as  came  to  six  livres  four  sous,  yet  I 
was   determined  to  note  down  the  imposi- 
tion amongst  my  remarks  before   I   retired 
from  the   place;    so  putting  my  hand  into 
my  coat-pocket  for  my  remarks — (which,  by 
the  bye,  may  be   a  caution  to  travellers  to 
take  a  little  more  care  of  their  remarks  for 

the  future)  "my  remarks  were  stolen" 

Never  did  sorry  traveller  make  such  a  pother 
and  racket  about  his  remarks  as  I  did  about 
mine,  upon  the  occasion. 

93 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Heaven!  earth!  sea!  fire!  cried  I,  calling 
in  every  thing  to  my  aid  but  what  I  should 

My  remarks  are  stolen! — what  shall  I 

do? Mr.  Commissary!  pray  did  I  drop 

any  remarks,  as  I  stood  besides  you? 

You  dropp'd  a  good  many  very  singular 

ones;  replied  he Pugh!  said  I,  those 

were  but  a  few,  not  worth  above  six  livres 

two  sous — but  these  are  a  large  parcel 

He  shook  his  head Monsieur  Le  Blanc! 

Madam  Le  Blanc!  did  you  see  any  papers 
of  mine? — you  maid  of  the  house!  run  up 
stairs — Francois!  run  up  after  her 

— I  must  have  my  remarks they  were 

the  best  remarks,  cried  I,  that  ever  were 
made — the  wisest — the  wittiest — What  shall 
I  do? — which  way  shall  I  turn  myself? 

Sancho  Panca,  when  he  lost  his  ass's  FUR- 
NITURE, did  not  exclaim  more  bitterly. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXXVII. 

WHEN  the  first  transport  was  over,  and 
the  registers  of  the  brain  were  be- 
ginning to   get   a   little   out   of  the 
confusion   into  which   this  jumble  of   cross 
accidents  had  cast  them  —  it  then  presently 
occurr'd  to  me,  that  I  had  left  my  remarks 
in  the  pocket  of  the  chaise  —  and  that  in 
selling  my   chaise,   I   had  sold  my  remarks 
along  with  it,  to  the  chaise-vamper. 

I  leave  this  void  space  that  the 
reader  may  swear  into  it  any  oath  that  he 
is  most  accustomed  to  -  For  my  own  part, 
if  ever  I  swore  a  whole  oath  into  a  vacancy 
in  my  life,  I  think  it  was  into  that  - 


said  I  —  and  so  my  remarks 
through  France,  which  were  as  full  of  wit, 
as  an  egg  is  full  of  meat,  and  as  well  worth 
four  hundred  guineas,  as  the  said  egg  is 
worth  a  penny  —  have  I  been  selling  here  to 
a  chaise-vamper  —  for  four  Louis  d'Ors  —  and 
giving  him  a  post-chaise  (by  heaven)  worth 
six  into  the  bargain;  had  it  been  to  Dods- 

96 


THE    LIFE   AND    OPINIONS 

« 

ky,  or  Becket,  or  any  creditable  bookseller, 
who  was  either  leaving  off  business,  and 
wanted  a  post-chaise — or  who  was  begin- 
ning it — and  wanted  my  remarks,  and  two 
or  three  guineas  along  with  them — I  could 

have  borne  it but  to  a  chaise- vamper ! — 

shew  me  to  him  this  moment,  Francois — 
said  I — The  valet  de  place  put  on  his  hat, 
and  led  the  way  —and  I  pull'd  off  mine, 
as  I  pass'd  the  commissary,  and  followed 
him. 


CHAPTER    XXXVIII. 

WHEN  we  arrived  at  the  chaise-vamper's 
house,  both  the  house  and  the  shop 
were  shut  up;   it  was  the  eighth  of 
September,  the  nativity  of  the  blessed  Virgin 
Mary,  mother  of  God — 

Tantarra-ra-tan-tivi the  whole  world 

was  gone  out  a  May-poling — frisking  here — 

capering  there nobody  cared  a  button  for 

me  or  my  remarks ;  so  I  sat  me  down  upon 
a  bench  by  the  door,   philosophating  upon 

96 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

my  condition:  by  a  better  fate  than  usually 
attends  me,  I  had  not  waited  half  an  hour, 
when  the  mistress  came  in  to  take  the  pa- 
pilliotes  from  off  her  hair,  before  she  went 
to  the  May-poles 

The  French  women,  by  the  bye,  love 
May-poles,  a  la  folie — that  is,  as  much  as 

their  matins give  'em  but  a  May-pole, 

whether  in  May,  June,  July,  or  September — 

they  never  count  the  times down  it  goes 

'tis  meat,  drink,  washing,  and  lodging 

to  'em and  had  we  but  the  policy,  an' 

please  your  worships  (as  wood  is  a  little 
scarce  in  France],  to  send  them  but  plenty 
of  May-poles. 

The  women  would  set  them  up ;  and  when 
they  had  done,  they  would  dance  round  them 
(and  the  men  for  company)  till  they  were  all 
blind. 

The  wife  of  the  chaise- vamper  stepp'd  in, 
I  told  you,  to  take  the  papilliotes  from  off 

her  hair the  toilet  stands  still  for  no 

man so  she  jerk'd  off  her  cap,  to  begin 

with  them  as  she  open'd  the  door,  in  doing 
which,  one  of  them  fell  upon  the  ground 
1  instantly  saw  it  was  my  own  writ- 
ing  

91 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

O  Seigneur!  cried  I  —  you  have  got  all 
my  remarks  upon  your  head,  Madam!  - 
J'en  suis  bien  mortifiee,  said  she  -  'tis 
well,  thinks  I,  they  have  stuck  there  —  for 
could  they  have  gone  deeper,  they  would 
have  made  such  confusion  in  a  French 
woman's  noddle  —  She  had  better  have  gone 
with  it  unfrizled,  to  the  day  of  eternity. 

Tenez  —  said  she  —  so  without  any  idea  of 
the  nature  of  my  suffering,  she  took  them 
from  her  curls,  and  put  them  gravely  one 
by  one  into  my  hat  -  one  was  twisted  this 
way  -  another  twisted  that  -  ey!  by  my 
faith;  and  when  they  are  published,  quoth 


They  will  be  worse  twisted  still. 


CHAPTER    XXXIX. 

AND   now  for  Lippius's  clock!    said    I, 
with  the  air  of  a  man,  who  had  got 

thro'  all  his  difficulties nothing  can 

prevent  us  seeing  that,  and  the  Chinese  his- 
tory, &c.  except  the  time,  said  Francois 

98 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

for  'tis  almost  eleven — then  we  must  speed 
the  faster,  said  I,  striding  it  away  to  the 
cathedral. 

I  cannot  say,  in  my  heart,  that  it  gave 
me  any  concern  in  being  told  by  one  of 
the  minor  canons,  as  I  was  entering  the 
west  door, — That  Lippius's  great  clock  was 
all  out  of  joints,  and  had  not  gone  for  some 

years It  will  give  me  the  more  time, 

thought  I,  to  peruse  the  Chinese  history; 
and  besides  I  shall  be  able  to  give  the 
world  a  better  account  of  the  clock  in  its 
decay,  than  I  could  have  done  in  its  flour- 
ishing condition 

And  so  away  I  posted  to  the  college 

of  the  Jesuits. 

Now  it  is  with  the  project  of  getting  a 
peep  at  the  history  of  China  in  Chinese 
characters  —  as  with  many  others  I  could 
mention,  which  strike  the  fancy  only  at  a 
distance;  for  as  I  came  nearer  and  nearer 
to  the  point — my  blood  cool'd — the  freak 
gradually  went  off,  till  at  length  I  would 
not  have  given  a  cherry-stone  to  have  it 

gratified The  truth  was,  my  time  was 

short,  and  my  heart  was  at  the  Tomb  of 
the  Lovers 1  wish  to  God,  said  I,  as  I 

99 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

got  the  rapper  in   my   hand,  that  the  key 
of  the  library  may  be  but  lost;   it  fell  out 

as  well 

For  all  the  JESUITS  had  got  the  cholic — 
and  to  that  degree,  as  never  was  known  in 
the  memory  of  the  oldest  practitioner. 


CHAPTER   XL. 

AS  I  knew  the  geography  of  the  Tomb 
of  the  Lovers,  as  well  as  if   I    had 
lived  twenty  years  in  Lyons,  namely, 
that  it  was  upon   the  turning  of  my  right 
hand,  just  without  the  gate,  leading  to  the 

Fauxbourg  de  Vaise 1  dispatched  Francois 

to  the  boat,  that  I  might  pay  the  homage 
I  so  long  ow'd  it,  without  a  witness  of  my 
weakness. — I  walk'd  with  all  imaginable  joy 

towards  the   place when  I  saw  the  gate 

which  intercepted  the  tomb,  my  heart  glowed 

within  me 

— Tender    and    faithful    spirits!     cried    I, 
addressing  myself  to  Amandus  and  Amanda 
— long — long   have   I   tarried   to   drop   this 
100 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tear  upon  your  tomb 1  come- 

come 

When  I  came — there  was  no  tomb  to  drop 
it  upon. 

What  would  I  have  given  for  my  uncle 
Toby,  to  have  whistled  Lillo  bullero! 


CHAPTER    XLI. 

NO  matter  how,  or  in  what  mood — but 
I  flew  from  the  tomb  of  the  lovers — 
or  rather  I  did  not  fly  from  it — (for 
there  was  no  such  thing  existing)  and  just 
got  time  enough  to  the  boat  to  save  my 
passage; — and  ere  I  had  sailed  a  hundred 
yards,  the  Rhone  and  the  Saon  met  together, 
and  carried  me  down  merrily  betwixt  them. 

But  I  have  described  this  voyage  down 
the  Rhone  before  I  made  it 

So  now  I  am  at  Avignon,  and  as 

there  is  nothing  to  see  but  the  old  house, 
in  which  the  duke  of  Ormond  resided,  and 
nothing  to  stop  me  but  a  short  remark 
upon  the  place,  in  three  minutes  you  will 

101 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

see  me  crossing  the  bridge  upon  a  mule, 
with  Francois  upon  a  horse  with  my  port- 
manteau behind  him,  and  the  owner  of 
both,  striding  the  way  before  us,  with  a 
long  gun  upon  his  shoulder,  and  a  sword 
under  his  arm,  lest  peradventure  we  should 
run  away  with  his  cattle.  Had  you  seen 

my  breeches  in  entering  Avignon, Though 

you'd  have  seen  them  better,  I  think,  as  I 
mounted — you  would  not  have  thought  the 
precaution  amiss,  or  found  in  your  heart  to 
have  taken  it  in  dudgeon:  for  my  own 
part,  I  took  it  most  kindly;  and  deter- 
mined to  make  him  a  present  of  them, 
when  we  got  to  the  end  of  our  journey, 
for  the  trouble  they  had  put  him  to,  ol 
arming  himself  at  all  points  against  them. 

Before  I  go  further,  let  me  get  rid  of 
my  remark  upon  Avignon,  which  is  this: 
That  I  think  it  wrong,  merely  because  a 
man's  hat  has  been  blown  off  his  head  by 
chance  the  first  night  he  comes  to  Avignon, 

that  he  should  therefore  say,  "Avignon 

is  more  subject  to  high  winds  than  any  town 
in  all  France:"  for  which  reason  I  laid  no 
stress  upon  the  accident  till  I  had  enquired 
of  the  master  of  the  inn  about  it,  who  tell- 
10* 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ing  me  seriously  it  was  so and   hearing 

moreover,  the  windiness   of  Avignon  spoke 

of  in  the  country  about  as  a  proverb 1 

set  it  down,  merely  to  ask  the  learned  what 

can  be  the  cause the  consequence  I  saw 

— for  they   are  all    Dukes,   Marquisses,   and 

Counts,   there the  duce  a  Baron,  in  all 

Avignon so  that  there  is  scarce  any  talk- 
ing to  them  on  a  windy  day. 

Prithee,   friend,   said   I,  take  hold  of  my 

mule  for  a  moment for  I  wanted  to  pull 

off  one  of  my  jack- boots,  which  hurt  my 
heel  —  the  man  was  standing  quite  idle  at 
the  door  of  the  inn,  and  as  I  had  taken  it 
into  my  head,  he  was  someway  concerned 
about  the  house  or  stable,  I  put  the  bridle 
into  his  hand — so  begun  with  the  boot: — 
when  I  had  finished  the  affair,  I  turned 
about  to  take  the  mule  from  the  man,  and 

thank  him 

But    Monsieur    le    Marquis    had 


walked   in- 


108 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XLII. 

I   HAD  now  the  whole  south  of  France, 
from  the  banks  of  the  Rhone  to  those 
of  the  Garonne,  to  traverse  upon  my 
mule  at  my  own  leisure — at  my  own  leisure 

for  I   had  left  Death,  the  Lord  knows 

and   He  only — how  far  behind  me 

"I  have  followed  many  a  man  thro'  France, 
quoth   he  —  but    never    at    this    mettlesome 

rate." Still   he  followed, and  still   I 

fled  him but   I    fled   him   chearfully 

still  he  pursued but,  like  one  who  pur- 
sued his  prey  without  hope as  he  lagg'd, 

every  step  he   lost,   soften' d   his   looks 

why  should  I  fly  him  at  this  rate? 

So  notwithstanding  all  the  commissary  of 
the  post-office  had  said,  I  changed  the  mode 
of  my  travelling  once  more;  and,  after  so 
precipitate  and  rattling  a  course  as  I  had 
run,  I  flattered  my  fancy  with  thinking  of 
my  mule,  and  that  I  should  traverse  the 
rich  plains  of  Languedoc  upon  his  back,  as 
slowly  as  foot  could  fall. 

104 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

There  is  nothing  more  pleasing  to  a  trav- 
eller  or  more  terrible  to  travel- writers, 

than  a  large  rich  plain;  especially  if  it  is 
without  great  rivers  or  bridges ;  and  pre- 
sents nothing  to  the  eye,  but  one  unvaried 
picture  of  plenty:  for  after  they  have  once 
told  you,  that  'tis  delicious!  or  delightful  1 
(as  the  case  happens)  —  that  the  soil  was 
grateful,  and  that  nature  pours  out  all  her 
abundance,  &c.  .  .  .  they  have  then  a  large 
plain  upon  their  hands,  which  they  know 
not  what  to  do  with — and  which  is  of  little 
or  no  use  to  them  but  to  carry  them  to 
some  town;  and  that  town,  perhaps  of  little 
more,  but  a  new  place  to  start  from  to  the 
next  plain and  so  on. 

— This  is  most  terrible  work;  judge  if  I 
don't  manage  my  plains  better. 


106 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XLIII. 

I  HAD  not  gone  above  two  leagues  and 
a  half,  before  the  man  with  his  gun 
began  to  look  at  his  priming. 

I  had  three  several  times  loiter 'd  terribly 
behind;  half  a  mile  at  least  every  time; 
once,  in  deep  conference  with  a  drum-maker, 
who  was  making  drums  for  the  fairs  of  JBau- 
caira  and  Tarascone — I  did  not  understand 
the  principles 

The  second  time,  I  cannot  so  properly 

say,  I  stopp'd for  meeting  a  couple  of 

Franciscans  straitened  more  for  time  than 
myself,  and  not  being  able  to  get  to  the 

bottom  of  what  I  was  about 1  had 

turn'd  back  with  them 

The  third,  was  an  affair  of  trade  with  a 
gossip,  for  a  hand-basket  of  Provence  figs 
for  four  sous;  this  would  have  been  trans- 
acted at  once;  but  for  a  case  of  conscience 
at  the  close  of  it;  for  when  the  figs  were 
paid  for,  it  turn'd  out,  that  there  were  two 
dozen  of  eggs  cover'd  over  with  vine-leaves 
at  the  bottom  of  the  basket — as  I  had  no 

106 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

intention  of  buying  eggs — I  made  no  sort 
of  claim  of  them — as  for  the  space  they  had 
occupied — what  signified  it?  I  had  figs  enow 
for  my  money 

— But  it  was  my  intention  to  have  the 
basket — it  was  the  gossip's  intention  to  keep 
it,  without  which,  she  could  do  nothing  with 

her  eggs and  unless  I  had  the  basket,  I 

could  do  as  little  with  my  figs,  which  were 
too  ripe  already,  and  most  of  'em  burst  at 
the  side:  this  brought  on  a  short  conten- 
tion, which  terminated  in  sundry  proposals, 
what  we  should  both  do 

How  we  disposed  of  our  eggs  and 

figs,  I  defy  you,  or  the  Devil  himself,  had 
he  not  been  there  (which  I  am  persuaded 
he  was),  to  form  the  least  probable  con- 
jecture: You  will  read  the  whole  of  it 

not  this  year,  for  I  am  hastening  to 

the  story  of  my  uncle  Toby's  amours — but 
you  will  read  it  in  the  collection  of  those 
which  have  arose  out  of  the  journey  across 
this  plain — and  which,  therefore,  I  call  my 

PLAIN  STORIES. 

How  far  my  pen  has  been  fatigued  like 
those  of  other  travellers,  in  this  journey  of 

107 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

it,  over  so  barren  a  track — the  world  must 
judge — but  the  traces  of  it,  which  are  now 
all  set  o'  vibrating  together  this  moment, 
tell  me  'tis  the  most  fruitful  and  busy 
period  of  my  life;  for  as  I  had  made  no 
convention  with  my  man  with  the  gun,  as 
to  time — by  stopping  and  talking  to  every 
soul  I  met,  who  was  not  in  a  full  trot — 
joining  all  parties  before  me  —  waiting  for 
every  soul  behind  —  hailing  all  those  who 
were  coming  through  cross-roads — arresting 
all  kinds  of  beggars,  pilgrims,  fiddlers,  friars 
not  passing  by  a  woman  in  a  mul- 
berry-tree without  commending  her  legs, 
and  tempting  her  into  conversation  with  a 

pinch    of   snuff In    short,    by    seizing 

every  handle,  of  what  size  or  shape  soever, 
which  chance  held  out  to  me  in  this  jour- 
ney— I  turned  my  plain  into  a  city — I  was 
always  in  company,  and  with  great  variety 
too;  and  as  my  mule  loved  society  as  much 
as  myself,  and  had  some  proposals  always 
on  his  part  to  offer  to  every  beast  he  met 
— I  am  confident  we  could  have  passed 
through  Pall-Mail,  or  St  James's-  Street  for 
a  month  together,  with  fewer  adventures — 
and  seen  less  of  human  nature. 


108 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

O !  there  is  that  sprightly  frankness,  which 
at  once  unpins  every  plait  of  a  Languedo- 
cian's  dress  —  that  whatever  is  beneath  it, 
it  looks  so  like  the  simplicity  which  poets 
sing  of  in  better  days — I  will  delude  my 
fancy,  and  believe  it  is  so. 

'Twas  in  the  road  betwixt  Nismes  and 
Lunel,  where  there  is  the  best  Muscatto 
wine  in  all  France,  and  which  by  the  bye 
belongs  to  the  honest  canons  of  MONTPEL- 
LIER  —  and  foul  befal  the  man  who  has 
drank  it  at  their  table,  who  grudges  them 
a  drop  of  it. 

The  sun  was  set  —  they  had  done 

their  work;  the  nymphs  had  tied  up  their 
hair  afresh — and  the  swains  were  preparing 

for  a  carousal my  mule  made  a  dead 

point '  Tis  the  fife  and  tabourin,  said 

I I'm  frighten' d  to  death,  quoth  he 

They  are  running  at  the  ring  of  pleasure, 

said  I,  giving  him  a  prick By  saint 

Boogar,  and  all  the  saints  at  the  backside 
of  the  door  of  purgatory,  said  he — (making 
the  same  resolution  with  the  abbesse  of 

Andouillets)  I'll  not  go  a  step  further 

'Tis  very  well,  sir,  said  I 1  never  will 

argue  a  point  with  one  of  your  family,  as 

109 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

long  as  I  live;  so  leaping  off  his  back,  and 
kicking  off  one  boot  into  this  ditch,  and 
t'other  into  that — I'll  take  a  dance,  said  I 
— so  stay  you  here. 

A  sun-burnt  daughter  of  Labour  rose  up 
from  the  groupe  to  meet  me,  as  I  advanced 
towards  them;  her  hair,  which  was  a  dark 
chesnut,  approaching  rather  to  a  black,  was 
tied  up  in  a  knot,  all  but  a  single  tress. 

We  want  a  cavalier,  said  she,  holding  out 
both  her  hands,  as  if  to  offer  them — And  a 
cavalier  ye  shall  have;  said  I,  taking  hold 
of  both  of  them. 

Hadst  thou,  Nannette,  been  array 'd  like  a 
dutchesse ! 

But  that  cursed  slit  in  thy  petticoat! 

Nannette  cared  not  for  it. 

We  could  not  have  done  without  you, 
said  she,  letting  go  one  hand,  with  self- 
taught  politeness,  leading  me  up  with  the 
other. 

A  lame  youth,  whom  Apollo  had  recom- 
pensed with  a  pipe,  and  to  which  he  had 
added  a  tabourin  of  his  own  accord,  ran 
sweetly  over  the  prelude,  as  he  sat  upon 

the  bank Tie  me  up  this  tress  instantly, 

said  Nannette,  putting  a  piece  of  string  into 
no 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

my  hand — It  taught  me  to  forget  I  was  a 

stranger The  whole  knot  fell  down 

We  had  been  seven  years  acquainted. 

The  youth  struck  the  note  upon  the 
tabourin  —  his  pipe  followed,  and  off  we 
bounded "the  duce  take  that  slit!" 

The  sister  of  the  youth,  who  had  stolen 
her  voice  from  heaven,  sung  alternately  with 
her  brother 'twas  a  Gascoigne  roundelay. 

VIVA  LA  JOIA! 
FIDON  LA  TRISTESSA! 

The    nymphs   join'd    in    unison,    and    their 

swains   an  octave  below  them 

I  would  have  given  a  crown  to  have  it 
sew'd  up — Nannette  would  not  have  given 
a  sous — Viva  lajoiaf  was  in  her  lips — Viva 
la  Joiaf  was  in  her  eyes.  A  transient  spark 
of  amity  shot  across  the  space  betwixt  us 

She   look'd   amiable! Why   could    I 

not  live,  and  end  my  days  thus  ?  Just 
Disposer  of  our  joys  and  sorrows,  cried  I, 
why  could  not  a  man  sit  down  in  the  lap 

of  content  here and  dance,  and  sing,  and 

say  his  prayers,  and  go  to  heaven  with  this 
nut-brown  maid  ?  Capriciously  did  she  bend 

in 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

her  head  on  one  side,  and  dance  up  insidi- 
ous  Then  'tis  time  to  dance  off,  quoth 

I;  so  changing  only  partners  and  tunes,  I 
danced  it  away  from  Lunel  to  Montpellier 

from   thence  to  Pescnas,   Beziers 1 

danced  it  along  through  Narbonne,  Carcas- 
son,  and  Castle  Naudairy,  till  at  last  I 
danced  myself  into  Perdrillo's  pavillion, 
where  pulling  out  a  paper  of  black  lines, 
that  I  might  go  on  straight  forwards,  with- 
out digression  or  parenthesis,  in  my  uncle 

Toby's  amours 

I  begun  thus 


119 


THE 

LIFE   AND    OPINIONS 
OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY,    GENT. 
BOOK  VIII. 


B 


CHAPTER   I. 

UT    softly for  in  these  sportive 

plains,  and  under  this  genial  sun, 
where  at  this  instant  all  flesh  is 
running  out  piping,  fiddling,  and  dancing  to 
the  vintage,  and  every  step  that's  taken,  the 
judgment  is  surprised  by  the  imagination,  I 
defy,  notwithstanding  all  that  has  been  said 
upon  straight  lines*  in  sundry  pages  of  my 
book — I  defy  the  best  cabbage  planter  that 
ever  existed,  whether  he  plants  backwards 

*Vid.  Vol.  Ill,  pp.  231,  232. 

113 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

or  forwards,  it  makes  little  difference  in  the 
account  (except  that  he  will  have  more  to 
answer  for  in  the  one  case  than  in  the 
other) — I  defy  him  to  go  on  coolly,  critic- 
ally, and  canonically,  planting  his  cabbages 
one  by  one,  in  straight  lines,  and  stoical  dis- 
tances, especially  if  slits  in  petticoats  are 
unsew'd  up — without  ever  and  anon  strad- 
dling out,  or  sidling  into  some  bastardly 

digression In  Freeze-land,  Fog-land,  and 

some  other  lands  I  wot  of — it  may  be 
done 

But  in  this  clear  climate  of  fantasy  and 
perspiration,  where  every  idea,  sensible  and 
insensible,  gets  vent — in  this  land,  my  dear 
Eugenius  —  in  this  fertile  land  of  chivalry 
and  romance,  where  I  now  sit,  unskrew- 
ing  my  ink-horn  to  write  my  uncle  Toby's 
amours,  and  with  all  the  meanders  of 
JULIA'S  track  in  quest  of  her  DIEGO,  in 
full  view  of  my  study  window  —  if  thou 
comest  not  and  takest  me  by  the  hand 

What  a  work  it  is  likely  to  turn  out! 

Let  us  begin  it. 


114 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


i 


CHAPTER   II. 


T  is  with  LOVE  as  with  CUCKOLDOM- 


But  now  I  am  talking  of  beginning  a 
book,  and  have  long  had  a  thing  upon 
my  mind  to  be  imparted  to  the  reader, 
which,  if  not  imparted  now,  can  never  be 
imparted  to  him  as  long  as  I  live  (whereas 
the  COMPARISON  may  be  imparted  to  him 

any  hour  in  the  day) I'll  just  mention 

it,  and  begin  in  good  earnest. 

The  thing  is  this. 

That  of  all  the  several  ways  of  beginning 
a  book  which  are  now  hi  practice  through- 
out the  known  world,  I  am  confident  my 

own  way  of  doing  it  is  the  best I'm 

sure  it  is  the  most  religious for  I  begin 

with  writing  the  first  sentence and  trust- 
ing to  Almighty  God  for  the  second. 

'T would  cure  an  author  for  ever  of  the 
fuss  and  folly  of  opening  his  street-door, 
and  calling  in  his  neighbours  and  friends, 
and  kinsfolk,  with  the  devil  and  all  his 
imps,  with  their  hammers  and  engines,  &c. 

115 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

only  to  observe  how  one  sentence  of  mine 
follows  another,  and  how  the  plan  follows 
the  whole. 

I  wish  you  saw  me  half  starting  out  of 
my  chair,  with  what  confidence,  as  I  grasp 

the  elbow  of  it,  I  look  up catching  the 

idea,  even  sometimes  before  it  half  way 
reaches  me 

I  believe  in  my  conscience  I  intercept 
many  a  thought  which  heaven  intended  for 
another  man. 

Pope  and  his   Portrait*   are   fools  to   me 

no    martyr   is    ever  so   full  of  faith  or 

fire 1  wish   I   could  say   of  good   works 

too but  I  have  no 

Zeal  or  Anger or 

Anger  or  Zeal 

And  till  gods  and   men    agree   together  to 

call  it  by  the  same  name the  errantest 

TARTUFFE,  in  science — in  politics — or  in  re- 
ligion, shall  never  kindle  a  spark  within  me, 
or  have  a  worse  word,  or  a  more  unkind 
greeting,  than  what  he  will  read  in  the  next 
chapter. 


*Vid.  Pops' t  Portrait. 
116 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   III. 

Bon  jour! good-morrow! so  you 

have  got  your  cloak  on  betimes! but  'tis 

a  cold  morning,  and  you  judge  the  matter 

rightly 'tis  better  to  be  well  mounted, 

than  go  o'  foot and  obstructions  in  the 

glands  are  dangerous And  how  goes  it 

with  thy  concubine  —  thy  wife,  —  and  thy 
little  ones  o'  both  sides?  and  when  did  you 
hear  from  the  old  gentleman  and  lady — 

your  sister,  aunt,  uncle,  and  cousins 1 

hope  they  have  got  better  of  their  colds, 
coughs,  claps,  tooth-aches,  fevers,  stranguries, 
sciaticas,  swellings,  and  sore-eyes. 

What  a  devil  of  an  apothecary!  to 

take  so  much  blood — give  such  a  vile  purge 
— puke — poultice — plaister — night-draught — 

clyster — blister? And  why  so  many  grains 

of  calomel?  santa  Maria!  and  such  a  dose  of 
opium!  periclitating,  pardi!  the  whole  family 
of  ye,  from  head  to  tail By  my  great- 
aunt  Dinah's  old  black  velvet  mask !  I  think 
there  was  no  occasion  for  it. 

117 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Now  this  being  a  little  bald  about  the 
chin,  by  frequently  putting  off  and  on,  be- 
fore she  was  got  with  child  by  the  coach- 
man— not  one  of  our  family  would  wear  it 
after.  To  cover  the  MASK  afresh,  was  more 

than  the  mask  was  worth and  to  wear  a 

mask  which  was  bald,  or  which  could  be 
half  seen  through,  was  as  bad  as  having  no 
mask  at  all 

This  is  the  reason,  may  it  please  your 
reverences,  that  in  all  our  numerous  family, 
for  these  four  generations,  we  count  no 
more  than  one  archbishop,  a  Welch  judge, 
some  three  or  four  aldermen,  and  a  single 
mountebank 

In  the  sixteenth  century,  we  boast  of  no 
less  than  a  dozen  alchymists. 


i 


CHAPTER    IV. 

T  is  with  Love  as  with  Cuckoldom" 
— the  suffering  party  is  at  least  the 
third,    but   generally   the    last   in   the 
house  who  knows  any  thing  about  the  mat- 
ter:   this   comes,   as   all   the   world    knows, 

118 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

from  having  half  a  dozen  words  for  one 
thing;  and  so  long,  as  what  in  this  vessel 
of  the  human  frame,  is  Love  —  may  be 

Hatred,  in   that Sentiment  half  a  yard 

higher and  Nonsense no,  Mad- 
am,— not  there 1  mean  at  the  part  I  am 

now  pointing  to  with  my  forefinger how 

can  we  help  ourselves? 

Of  all  mortal,  and  immortal  men  too,  if 
you  please,  who  ever  soliloquized  upon  this 
mystic  subject,  my  uncle  Toby  was  the  worst 
fitted,  to  have  push'd  his  researches,  thro' 
such  a  contention  of  feelings;  and  he  had 
infallibly  let  them  all  run  on,  as  we  do 
worse  matters,  to  see  what  they  would  turn 

out had  not  Bridget's  pre-notification  of 

them  to  Susannah,  and  Susannah's  repeated 
manifestoes  thereupon  to  all  the  world,  made 
it  necessary  for  my  uncle  Toby  to  look  into 
the  affair. 


119 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  V. 

WHY  weavers,  gardeners,  and  gladiators 
— or  a  man  with  a  pined  leg  (pro- 
ceeding from  some  ailment  in  the 
foot)  —  should  ever  have  had  some  tender 
nymph  breaking  her  heart  in  secret  for 
them,  are  points  well  and  duly  settled  and 
accounted  for,  by  ancient  and  modern  physi- 
ologists. 

A  water-drinker,  provided  he  is  a  profess'd 
one,  and  does  it  without  fraud  or  covin,  is 
precisely  in  the  same  predicament :  not  that, 
at  first  sight,  there  is  any  consequence,  or 
show  of  logic  in  it,  "That  a  rill  of  cold 
water  dribbling  through  my  inward  parts, 
should  light  up  a  torch  in  my  Jenny's — " 

The  proposition  does  not  strike  one; 

on  the  contrary,  it  seems  to  run  opposite 
to  the  natural  workings  of  causes  and 
effects 

But  it  shews  the  weakness  and  imbecility 
of  human  reason. 

120 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

"And  in  perfect  good  health  with  it?" 

— The  most  perfect, — Madam,  that  friend- 
ship herself  could  wish  me 

"And  drink  nothing!  —  nothing  but 
water?" 

— Impetuous  fluid !  the  moment  thou 
pressest  against  the  flood-gates  of  the  brain 
see  how  they  give  way! 

In  swims  CURIOSITY,  beckoning  to  her 
damsels  to  follow — they  dive  into  the  cen- 
tre of  the  current 

FANCY  sits  musing  upon  the  bank,  and 
with  her  eyes  following  the  stream,  turns 
straws  and  bulrushes  into  masts  and  bow- 
sprits  And  DESIRE,  with  vest  held  up 

to  the  knee  in  one  hand,  snatches  at  them, 
as  they  swim  by  her  with  the  other 

O  ye  water-drinkers!  is  it  then  by  this 
delusive  fountain,  that  ye  have  so  often 
governed  and  turn'd  this  world  about  like 
a  mill-wheel — grinding  the  faces  of  the  impo- 
tent— be-powdering  their  ribs — be-peppering 
their  noses,  and  changing  sometimes  even 
the  very  frame  and  face  of  nature 

If  I  was  you,  quoth  Yorick,  I  would  drink 
more  water,  Eugenius — And,  if  I  was  you, 
Yorick,  replied  Eugenius,  so  would  I. 

121 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Which  shews  they  had  both  read  Long- 
inus 

For  my  own  part,  I  am  resolved  never  to 
read  any  book  but  my  own,  as  long  as  I 
live. 


CHAPTER   VI. 


I   WISH    my    uncle    Toby    had    been    a 
water-drinker;   for  then  the  thing  had 
been  accounted  for,  That  the  first  mo- 
ment  Widow    Wadman   saw   him,   she   felt 
something  stirring  within  her  in  his  favour 
— Something ! — something. 

— Something  perhaps  more  than  friend- 
ship— less  than  love — something — no  matter 
what — no  matter  where — I  would  not  give 
a  single  hah*  off  my  mule's  tail,  and  be 
obliged  to  pluck  it  off  myself  (indeed  the 
villain  has  not  many  to  spare,  and  is  not  a 
little  vicious  into  the  bargain),  to  be  let  by 

your  worships  into  the  secret 

But  the  truth  is,  my  uncle  Toby  was  not 
a  water-drinker  ;  he  drank  it  neither  pure 
nor  mix'd,  or  any  how,  or  any  where,  ex- 

122 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

cept  fortuitously  upon  some  advanced  posts, 

where  better  liquor  was  not  to  be  had 

or  during  the  time  he  was  under  cure; 
when  the  surgeon  telling  him  it  would 
extend  the  fibres,  and  bring  them  sooner 

into  contact my  uncle  Toby  drank  it  for 

quietness  sake. 

Now  as  all  the  world  knows,  that  no  effect 
in  nature  can  be  produced  without  a  cause, 
and  as  it  is  as  well  known,  that  my  uncle 
Toby  was  neither  a  weaver — a  gardener,  or 

a  gladiator unless  as  a  captain,  you  will 

needs  have  him  one — but  then  he  was  only 
a  captain  of  foot — and  besides,  the  whole  is 

an  equivocation There  is  nothing  left  for 

us   to   suppose,    but   that  my  uncle    Toby's 

leg but  that  will  avail  us  little  in  the 

present  hypothesis,  unless  it  had  proceeded 
from  some  ailment  in  the  foot — whereas  his 
leg  was  not  emaciated  from  any  disorder  in 
his  foot — for  my  uncle  Toby's  leg  was  not 
emaciated  at  all.  It  was  a  little  stiff  and 
awkward,  from  a  total  disuse  of  it,  for  the 
three  years  he  lay  confined  at  my  father's 
house  in  town;  but  it  was  plump  and  mus- 
cular, and  in  all  other  respects  as  good  and 
promising  a  leg  as  the  other. 

123 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  declare,  I  do  not  recollect  any  one 
opinion  or  passage  of  my  life,  where  my 
understanding  was  more  at  a  loss  to  make 
ends  meet,  and  torture  the  chapter  I  had 
been  writing,  to  the  service  of  the  chapter 
following  it,  than  in  the  present  case:  one 
would  think  I  took  a  pleasure  in  running 
into  difficulties  of  this  kind,  merely  to  make 

fresh  experiments  of  getting  out  of  'em 

Inconsiderate  soul  that  thou  art!  What!  are 
not  the  unavoidable  distresses  with  which, 
as  an  author  and  a  man,  thou  art  hemm'd 
in  on  every  side  of  thee are  they,  Tris- 
tram, not  sufficient,  but  thou  must  entangle 
thyself  still  more  ? 

Is  it  not  enough  that  thou  art  in  debt, 
and  that  thou  hast  ten  cart-loads  of  thy 
fifth  and  sixth  volumes*  still — still  unsold, 
and  art  almost  at  thy  wit's  ends,  how  to 
get  them  off  thy  hands. 

To  this  hour  art  thou  not  tormented  with 
the  vile  asthma  that  thou  gattest  in  skating 
against  the  wind  in  Flanders?  and  is  it  but 
two  months  ago,  that  in  a  fit  of  laughter, 
on  seeing  a  cardinal  make  water  like  a  quir- 
ister  (with  both  hands)  thou  brakest  a  vessel 

*  Alluding  to  the  first  edition. 
124 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

in  thy  lungs,  whereby,  in  two  hours,  thou 
lost  as  many  quarts  of  blood;  and  hadst 
thou  lost  as  much  more,  did  not  the  faculty 

tell  thee it  would  have  amounted  to  a 

gallon  ? 


CHAPTER   VII. 

But  for  heaven's  sake,  let  us  not  talk 

of  quarts  or  gallons let  us  take  the  story 

straight  before  us;  it  is  so  nice  and  intricate 
a  one,  it  will  scarce  bear  the  transposition  of 
a  single  tittle;  and,  somehow  or  other,  you 
have  got  me  thrust  almost  into  the  middle 
of  it— 

— I  beg  we  may  take  more  care. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

MY   uncle    Toby  and    the   corporal   had 
posted  down  with  so  much  heat  and 
precipitation,    to    take   possession    of 
the  spot  of  ground  we  have  so  often  spoke 

195 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

of,  in  order  to  open  their  campaign  as  early 
as  the  rest  of  the  allies;  that  they  had  for- 
got one  of  the  most  necessary  articles  of 
the  whole  affair;  it  was  neither  a  pioneer's 
spade,  a  pickax,  or  a  shovel — 

— It  was  a  bed  to  lie  on:  so  that  as 
Shandy  Hall  was  at  that  time  unfurnished; 
and  the  little  inn  where  poor  Le  Fever 
died,  not  yet  built;  my  uncle  Toby  was 
constrained  to  accept  of  a  bed  at  Mrs  Wad- 
man's,  for  a  night  or  two,  till  corporal  Trim 
(who  to  the  character  of  an  excellent  valet, 
groom,  cook,  sempster,  surgeon,  and  engi- 
neer, superadded  that  of  an  excellent  uphol- 
sterer too),  with  the  help  of  a  carpenter  and 
a  couple  of  taylors,  constructed  one  in  my 
uncle  Toby's  house. 

A  daughter  of  Eve,  for  such  was  widow 
Wadman,  and  'tis  all  the  character  I  intend 
to  give  of  her — 

— "That  she  was  a  perfect  woman — "  had 
better  be  fifty  leagues  off — or  in  her  warm 
bed — or  playing  with  a  case-knife — or  any 
thing  you  please — than  make  a  man  the 
object  of  her  attention,  when  the  house  and 
all  the  furniture  is  her  own. 

There  is   nothing  in  it  out  of  doors  and 

126 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 
>' 

in  broad  day-light,  where  a  woman  has  a 
power,  physically  speaking,  of  viewing  a 
man  in  more  lights  than  one — but  here,  for 
her  soul,  she  can  see  him  in  no  light  with- 
out mixing  something  of  her  own  goods 
and  chattels  along  with  him till  by  re- 
iterated acts  of  such  combination,  he  gets 
foisted  into  her  inventory 

And  then  good  night. 

But  this  is  not  matter  of  SYSTEM;  for  I 
have  delivered  that  above nor  is  it  mat- 
ter of  BREVIARY for  I  make  no  man's 

creed  but  my  own nor  matter  of  FACT 

at  least  that  I  know  of;  but  'tis  matter 

copulative  and  introductory  to  what  follows. 


CHAPTER   IX. 

I   DO    not   speak   it  with   regard   to   the 
coarseness   or   cleanness   of  them  —  or 

the   strength  of  their  gussets but 

pray   do    not    night-shifts   differ    from   day- 
shifts  as  much  in  this  particular,  as  in  any 

127 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

thing  else  in  the  world;  That  they  so  far 
exceed  the  others  in  length,  that  when  you 
are  laid  down  in  them,  they  fall  almost  as 
much  below  the  feet,  as  the  day-shifts  fall 
short  of  them? 

Widow  Wadman's  night-shifts  (as  was  the 
mode  I  suppose  in  King  William's  and  Queen 
Anne's  reigns)  were  cut  however  after  this 
fashion;  and  if  the  fashion  is  changed  (for 

in  Italy  they  are  come  to  nothing) so 

much  the  worse  for  the  public;  they  were 
two  Flemish  ells  and  a  half  in  length ;  so 
that  allowing  a  moderate  woman  two  ells, 
she  had  half  an  ell  to  spare,  to  do  what  she 
would  with. 

Now  from  one  little  indulgence  gained 
after  another,  in  the  many  bleak  and  decem- 
berly  nights  of  a  seven  years  widowhood, 
things  had  insensibly  come  to  this  pass,  and 
for  the  two  last  years  had  got  establish' d 
into  one  of  the  ordinances  of  the  bed-cham- 
ber— That  as  soon  as  Mrs  Wadman  was  put 
to  bed,  and  had  got  her  legs  stretched  down 
to  the  bottom  of  it,  of  which  she  always 
gave  Bridget  notice — Bridget,  with  all  suit- 
able decorum,  having  first  open'd  the  bed- 
cloaths  at  the  feet,  took  hold  of  the  half-ell 

128 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  cloth  we  were  speaking  of,  and  having 
gently,  and  with  both  her  hands,  drawn  it 
downwards  to  its  furthest  extension,  and 
then  contracted  it  again  side-long  by  four 
or  five  even  plaits,  she  took  a  large  corking 
pin  out  of  her  sleeve,  and  with  the  point 
directed  towards  her,  pinn'd  the  plaits  all 
fast  together  a  little  above  the  hem;  which 
done,  she  tuck'd  all  in  tight  at  the  feet, 
and  wish'd  her  mistress  a  good  night. 

This  was  constant,  and  without  any  other 
variation  than  this;  that  on  shivering  and 
tempestuous  nights,  when  Bridget  untuck' d 

the  feet  of  the  bed,  &c.  to  do  this she 

consulted  no  thermometer  but  that  of  her 
own  passions;  and  so  performed  it  standing 
—kneeling — or  squatting,  according  to  the 
different  degrees  of  faith,  hope,  and  charity, 
she  was  in,  and  bore  towards  her  mistress  that 
night.  In  every  other  respect,  the  etiquette 
was  sacred,  and  might  have  vied  with  the 
most  mechanical  one  of  the  most  inflexible 
bed-chamber  in  Christendom. 

The  first  night,  as  soon  as  the  corporal 
had  conducted  my  uncle  Toby  up  stairs, 

which  was  about  ten Mrs  Wadman  threw 

herself  into  her  arm-chair,  and  crossing  her 

129 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

left  knee  with  her  right,  which  formed  a 
resting-place  for  her  elbow,  she  reclin'd  her 
cheek  upon  the  palm  of  her  hand,  and  lean- 
ing forwards,  ruminated  till  midnight  upon 
both  sides  of  the  question. 

The  second  night  she  went  to  her  bureau, 
and  having  ordered  Bridget  to  bring  her  up 
a  couple  of  fresh  candles  and  leave  them 
upon  the  table,  she  took  out  her  marriage- 
settlement,  and  read  it  over  with  great  de- 
votion: and  the  third  night  (which  was  the 
last  of  my  uncle  Toby's  stay)  when  Bridget 
had  pull'd  down  the  night-shift,  and  was 
assaying  to  stick  in  the  corking  pin 

-With  a  kick  of  both  heels  at  once, 

but  at  the  same  time  the  most  natural  kick 

that  could  be  kick'd  in  her  situation for 

supposing  *********  to  be  the  sun 

in  its  meridian,  it  was  a  north-east  kick 

she  kick'd  the  pin  out  of  her  fingers the 

etiquette  which  hung  upon  it,  down down 

it  fell  to  the  ground,  and  was  shiver'd  into 
a  thousand  atoms. 

From  all  which  it  was  plain  that  widow 
Wadman  was  in  love  with  my  uncle  Toby. 


ISO 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    X. 

MY  uncle  Toby's  head  at  that  time  was 
full  of  other  matters,  so  that  it  was 
not  till  the  demolition  of  Dunkirk, 
when  all  the  other  civilities  of  Europe  were 
settled,  that  he  found  leisure  to  return  this. 

This  made  an  armistice  (that  is  speaking 
with  regard  to  my  uncle  Toby — but  with 
respect  to  Mrs  Wadman,  a  vacancy) — of 
almost  eleven  years.  But  in  all  cases  of 
this  nature,  as  it  is  the  second  blow,  hap- 
pen at  what  distance  of  time  it  will,  which 

makes  the  fray 1   chuse  for  that  reason 

to  call  these  the  amours  of  my  uncle  Toby 
with  Mrs  Wadman,  rather  than  the  amours 
of  Mrs  Wadman  with  my  uncle  Toby. 

This  is  not  a  distinction  without  a  differ- 
ence. 

It   is   not   like   the   affair   of   an   old  hat 

cock'd and  a  cock'd  old  hat,  about  which 

your  reverences  have  so  often  been  at  odds 
with  one  another but  there  is  a  differ- 
ence here  in  the  nature  of  things 

131 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

And  let  me  tell  you,  gentry,  a  wide  one 
too. 


CHAPTER    XI. 

NOW  as  widow  Wadman  did  love  my 
uncle  Toby and  my  uncle  Toby 

did  not  love  widow  Wadman,  there 
was  nothing  for  widow  Wadman  to  do,  but 

to  go  on  and  love  my  uncle  Toby or  let 

it  alone. 

Widow  Wadman  would  do  neither  the  one 
or  the  other 

Gracious  heaven! but  I  forget  I 

am  a  little  of  her  temper  myself;  for  when- 
ever it  so  falls  out,  which  it  sometimes  does 
about  the  equinoxes,  that  an  earthly  goddess 
is  so  much  this,  and  that,  and  t'other,  that 

I  cannot  eat  my  breakfast  for  her and 

that  she  careth  not  three  halfpence  whether 
I  eat  my  breakfast  or  no 

Curse  on  her!  and  so  I  send  her  to 

Tartary,  and  from  Tartary  to  Terra  del 
Fuogo,  and  so  on  to  the  devil:  in  short, 

132 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

there  is  not  an  infernal  nitch  where  I  do 
not  take  her  divinityship  and  stick  it. 

But  as  the  heart  is  tender,  and  the  pas- 
sions in  these  tides  ebb  and  flow  ten  times 
in  a  minute,  I  instantly  bring  her  back 
again;  and  as  I  do  all  things  in  extremes, 
I  place  her  in  the  very  centre  of  the  milky- 
way 

Brightest  of  stars!  thou  wilt  shed  thy  in- 
fluence upon  some  one 

The  duce  take  her  and  her  influence 

too for  at  that  word  I  lose  all  patience 

much  good   may  it  do  him! By  all 

that  is  hirsute  and  gashly!  I  cry,  taking  off 
my  furr'd  cap,  and  twisting  it  round  my 

finger 1   would  not  give  sixpence  for  a 

dozen  such! 

But  'tis  an  excellent  cap  too  (putting 

it  upon  my  head,  and  pressing  it  close  to 
my  ears) — and  warm — and  soft;  especially 
if  you  stroke  it  the  right  way  —  but  alas! 

that  will  never  be  my  luck (so  here  my 

philosophy  is  shipwreck 'd  again). 

No;    I   shall   never  have  a  finger  in 

the  pye  (so  here  I  break  my  metaphor) 

Crust  and  Crumb 

Inside  and  out 

133 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Top  and  bottom  -  1  detest  it,  I  hate  it, 
I  repudiate  it  -  I'm  sick  at  the  sight  of 


'Tis  all  pepper, 
garlick, 
staragen, 
salt,  and 

devil's  dung  -  by  the  great  arch- 
cook  of  cooks,  who   does  nothing,  I   think, 
from  morning  to  night,  but  sit  down  by  the 
fire-side  and   invent  inflammatory  dishes  for 
us,  I  would  not  touch  it  for  the  world  - 
-  O  Tristram!   Tristram!  cried  Jenny. 
O  Jenny!  Jenny!  replied  I,  and  so  went 
on  with  the  twelfth  chapter. 


CHAPTER    XII. 


Not  touch  it  for  the  world,"  did  I 


Lord,  how  I  have  heated  my  imagination 
with  this  metaphor! 


154 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

WHICH  shews,  let  your  reverences  and 
worships  say  what  you  will  of  it  (for 

as  for  thinking all  who  do  think — 

think  pretty  much  alike,  both  upon  it  and 

other  matters) LOVE  is  certainly,  at  least 

alphabetically  speaking,  one  of  the  most 

A   gitating 

B    ewitching 

C    onfounded 

D   evilish  affairs  of  life the  most 

E    xtravagant 

F    utilitous 

G   alligaskinish 

H  andy- dandyish 

I    racundulous  (there  is  no  K  to  it)  and 

L  yrical  of  all  human  passions:  at  the 
same  time,  the  most 

M  isgiving 

N  innyhammering 

O   bstipating 

P   ragmatical 

S    tridulous 

R  idiculous — though  by  the  bye   the  R 

m 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

should  have  gone  first — But  in  short  'tis  of 
such  a  nature,  as  my  father  once  told  my 
uncle  Toby  upon  the  close  of  a  long  dis- 
sertation upon  the  subject "You  can 

scarce,"  said  he,  "combine  two  ideas  to- 
gether upon  it,  brother  Toby,  without  an 

hypallage" What's  that?  cried  my  uncle 

Toby. 

The  cart  before  the  horse,  replied  my 
father 

And  what  is  he  to  do  there?  cried 

my  uncle  Toby 

Nothing,  quoth  my  father,  but  to  get  in 
or  let  it  alone. 

Now  widow  Wadman,  as  I  told  you 
before,  would  do  neither  the  one  or  the 
other. 

She  stood  however  ready  harnessed  and 
caparisoned  at  all  points,  to  watch  acci- 
dents. 


186 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

Fates,  who  certainly  all  foreknew 
A  of  these  amours  of  widow  Wadman 
and  my  uncle  Toby,  had,  from  the 
first  creation  of  matter  and  motion  (and 
with  more  courtesy  than  they  usually  do 
things  of  this  kind)  established  such  a  chain 
of  causes  and  effects  hanging  so  fast  to  one 
another,  that  it  was  scarce  possible  for  my 
uncle  Toby  to  have  dwelt  in  any  other  house 
hi  the  world,  or  to  have  occupied  any  other 
garden  in  Christendom,  but  the  very  house 
and  garden  which  join'd  and  laid  parallel  to 
Mrs  Wadman 's ;  this,  with  the  advantage  of 
a  thickset  arbour  in  Mrs  Wadman's  garden, 
but  planted  in  the  hedge-row  of  my  uncle 
Toby's,  put  all  the  occasions  into  her  hands 
which  Love-militancy  wanted ;  she  could 
observe  my  uncle  Toby's  motions,  and  was 
mistress  likewise  of  his  councils  of  war;  and 
as  his  unsuspecting  heart  had  given  leave 
to  the  corporal,  through  the  mediation  of 
Bridget,  to  make  her  a  wicker-gate  of  com- 

137 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

munication  to  enlarge  her  walks,  it  enabled 
her  to  carry  on  her  approaches  to  the  very 
door  of  the  sentry-box;  and  sometimes  out 
of  gratitude,  to  make  an  attack,  and  en- 
deavour to  blow  my  uncle  Toby  up  in  the 
very  sentry-box  itself. 


CHAPTER    XV. 

IT  is  a  great  pity but  'tis  certain  from 
every    day's    observation    of   man,    that 
he  may  be  set  on  fire  like  a  candle,  at 
either    end  —  provided    there    is    a   sufficient 
wick  standing  out;    if  there  is  not — there's 
an  end   of  the   affair;    and   if   there  is — by 
lighting   it  at  the  bottom,  as  the  flame  in 
that  case   has    the    misfortune    generally  to 
put  out  itself — there's  an  end  of  the  affair 
again. 

For  my  part,  could  I  always  have  the 
ordering  of  it  which  way  I  would  be  burnt 
myself — for  I  cannot  bear  the  thoughts  of 
being  burnt  like  a  beast — I  would  oblige  a 
housewife  constantly  to  light  me  at  the  top; 

138 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

for  then  I  should  burn  down  decently  to 
the  socket;  that  is,  from  my  head  to  my 
heart,  from  my  heart  to  my  liver,  from  my 
liver  to  my  bowels,  and  so  on  by  the  mese- 
raick  veins  and  arteries,  through  all  the  turns 
and  lateral  insertions  of  the  intestines  and 
their  tunicles,  to  the  blind  gut 

1  beseech  you,  doctor  Slop,  quoth  my 

uncle  Toby,  interrupting  him  as  he  mentioned 
the  blind  gut,  in  a  discourse  with  my  father 
the  night  my  mother  was  brought  to  bed  of 

me 1  beseech  you,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 

to  tell  me  which  is  the  blind  gut;  for,  old 
as  I  am,  I  vow  I  do  not  know  to  this  day 
where  it  lies. 

The  blind  gut,  answered  doctor  Slop,  lies 
betwixt  the  Ilion  and  Colon 

In  a  man?  said  my  father. 

'Tis  precisely  the  same,  cried  doctor 

Slop,  in  a  woman. 

That's  more  than  I  know;  quoth  my 
father. 


m 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

And  so  to  make  sure  of  both  sys- 
tems, Mrs  Wadman  predetermined  to  light 
my  uncle  Toby  neither  at  this  end  or  that; 
but,  like  a  prodigal's  candle,  to  light  him, 
if  possible,  at  both  ends  at  once. 

Now,  through  all  the  lumber  rooms  of 
military  furniture,  including  both  of  horse 
and  foot,  from  the  great  arsenal  of  Venice 
to  the  Tower  of  London  (exclusive),  if  Mrs 
Wadman  had  been  rummaging  for  seven 
years  together,  and  with  Bridget  to  help 
her,  she  could  not  have  found  any  one 
blind  or  mantelet  so  fit  for  her  purpose,  as 
that  which  the  expediency  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  affairs  had  fix'd  up  ready  to  her 
hands. 

I  believe  I  have  not  told  you but  I 

don't  know possibly  I  have be  it  as 

it  will,  'tis  one  of  the  number  of  those 
many  things,  which  a  man  had  better  do 
over  again,  than  dispute  about  it  —  That 
whatever  town  or  fortress  the  corporal  was 
at  work  upon,  during  the  course  of  their 

140 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

campaign,  my  uncle  Toby  always  took  care, 
on  the  inside  of  his  sentry-box,  which  was 
towards  his  left  hand,  to  have  a  plan  of  the 
place,  fasten'd  up  with  two  or  three  pins  at 
the  top,  but  loose  at  the  bottom,  for  the 
conveniency  of  holding  it  up  to  the  eye,  &c. 
.  .  .  as  occasions  required;  so  that  when  an 
attack  was  resolved  upon,  Mrs  Wadman  had 
nothing  more  to  do,  when  she  had  got  ad- 
vanced to  the  door  of  the  sentry-box,  but 
to  extend  her  right  hand ;  and  edging  in 
her  left  foot  at  the  same  movement,  to 
take  hold  of  the  map  or  plan,  or  upright, 
or  whatever  it  was,  and  with  out-stretched 
neck  meeting  it  half  way,  —  to  advance  it 
towards  her ;  on  which  my  uncle  Toby's 

passions    were    sure  to   catch  fire for  he 

would  instantly  take  hold  of  the  other  cor- 
ner of  the  map  in  his  left  hand,  and  with 
the  end  of  his  pipe  in  the  other,  begin  an 
explanation. 

When    the    attack   was    advanced  to  this 

point; the  world  will  naturally  enter  into 

the  reasons  of   Mrs    Wadmari's  next  stroke 

of  generalship which   was,   to    take   my 

uncle  Toby's  tobacco-pipe  out  of  his  hand 
as  soon  as  she  possibly  could;  which,  under 

141 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

one  pretence  or  other,  but  generally  that  of 
pointing  more  distinctly  at  some  redoubt  or 
breastwork  in  the  map,  she  would  effect  be- 
fore my  uncle  Toby  (poor  soul!)  had  well 
march 'd  above  half  a  dozen  toises  with  it. 

— It  obliged  my  uncle  Toby  to  make  use 
of  his  forefinger. 

The  difference  it  made  in  the  attack  was 
this;  That  in  going  upon  it,  as  in  the  first 
case,  with  the  end  of  her  forefinger  against 
the  end  of  my  uncle  Toby's  tobacco-pipe, 
she  might  have  travelled  with  it,  along  the 
lines,  from  Dan  to  Beersheba,  had  my  uncle 
Toby's  lines  reach' d  so  far,  without  any 
effect:  For  as  there  was  no  arterial  or  vital 
heat  in  the  end  of  the  tobacco-pipe,  it  could 

excite  no  sentiment it  could  neither  give 

fire  by  pulsation or  receive  it  by  sym- 
pathy  'twas  nothing  but  smoke. 

Whereas,  in  following  my  uncle  Toby's 
forefinger  with  hers,  close  thro'  all  the  little 
turns  and  indentings  of  his  works press- 
ing sometimes  against  the  side  of  it then 

treading  upon  its  nail then  tripping  it 

up then  touching  it  here then  there, 

and  so  on it  set  something  at  least  in 

motion. 

Mi 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

This,  tho'  slight  skirmishing,  and  at  a  dis- 
tance from  the  main  body,  yet  drew  on  the 
rest;  for  here,  the  map  usually  falling  with 
the  back  of  it,  close  to  the  side  of  the 
sentry-box,  my  uncle  Toby,  in  the  sim- 
plicity of  his  soul,  would  lay  his  hand  flat 
upon  it,  in  order  to  go  on  with  his  explana- 
tion; and  Mrs  Wadman,  by  a  manoeuvre  as 
quick  as  thought,  would  as  certainly  place 
her's  close  beside  it:  this  at  once  opened  a 
communication,  large  enough  for  any  sen- 
timent to  pass  or  repass,  which  a  person 
skill  'd  in  the  elementary  and  practical  part 
of  love-making,  has  occasion  for 

By  bringing  up  her  forefinger  parallel  (as 
before)  to  my  uncle  Toby's it  unavoid- 
ably brought  the  thumb  into  action and 

the  forefinger  and  thumb  being  once  en- 
gaged, as  naturally  brought  in  the  whole 
hand.  Thine,  dear  uncle  Toby!  was  never 

now  in  its  right  place Mrs  Wadman  had 

it  ever  to  take  up,  or,  with  the  gentlest 
pushings,  protrusions,  and  equivocal  com- 
pressions, that  a  hand  to  be  removed  is 

capable  of  receiving to  get  it  press 'd  a 

hair  breadth  of  one  side  out  of  her  way. 

Whilst    this    was    doing,   how   could   she 

143 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

forget  to  make  him  sensible,  that  it  was 
her  leg  (and  no  one's  else)  at  the  bottom 
of  the  sentry-box,  which  slightly  press'd 

against  the  calf  of  his So  that  my  uncle 

Toby  being  thus   attacked  and  sore  push'd 

on   both    his  wings was    it  a  wonder,  if 

now  and  then,  it  put  his  centre  into  dis- 
order ? 

-The    duce    take    it  1    said    my   uncle 


Toby. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

THESE   attacks  of    Mrs    Wadman,    you 
will  readily  conceive  to  be  of  different 
kinds ;    varying   from   each   other,   like 
the    attacks    which    history    is    full   of,    and 
from  the  same  reasons.     A  general  looker- 
on,  would  scarce  allow  them  to  be  attacks 

at  all or  if  he  did,  would  confound  them 

all  together but  I  write  not  to  them:   it 

will  be  time  enough  to  be  a  little  more 
exact  in  my  descriptions  of  them,  as  I 
come  up  to  them,  which  will  not  be  for 


144 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

some  chapters ;  having  nothing  more  to  add 
in  this,  but  that  in  a  bundle  of  original 
papers  and  drawings  which  my  father  took 
care  to  roll  up  by  themselves,  there  is  a 
plan  of  Bouchain  in  perfect  preservation 
(and  shall  be  kept  so,  whilst  I  have  power 
to  preserve  any  thing),  upon  the  lower  cor- 
ner of  which,  on  the  right  hand  side,  there 
is  still  remaining  the  marks  of  a  snuffy  fin- 
ger and  thumb,  which  there  is  all  the  reason 
in  the  world  to  imagine,  were  Mrs  Wad- 
man's;  for  the  opposite  side  of  the  margin, 
which  I  suppose  to  have  been  my  uncle 
Toby's,  is  absolutely  clean:  This  seems  an 
authenticated  record  of  one  of  these  attacks; 
for  there  are  vestigia  of  the  two  punctures 
partly  grown  up,  but  still  visible  on  the  op- 
posite-corner of  the  map,  which  are  unques- 
tionably the  very  holes,  through  which  it  has 

been  pricked  up  in  the  sentry-box 

By  all  that  is  priestly!  I  value  this  pre- 
cious relick,  with  its  stigmata  and  pricks, 
more  than  all  the  relicks  of  the  Romish 

church always    excepting,    when    I    am 

writing  upon  these  matters,  the  pricks 
which  entered  the  flesh  of  St  Radagunda 
in  the  desert,  which  in  your  road  from 

145 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

FESSE   to   CLUNY,   the    nuns  of   that  name 
will  shew  you  for  love. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

I  THINK,  an'  please  your  honour,  quoth 
Trim,  the  fortifications  are  quite  de- 
stroyed  and  the  bason  is  upon  a 

level  with  the  mole 1  think  so  too;  re- 
plied my  uncle  Toby  with  a  sigh  half  sup- 
press'd but  step  into  the  parlour,  Trim, 

for  the  stipulation it  lies  upon  the  table. 

It  has  lain  there  these  six  weeks,  replied 
the  corporal,  till  this  very  morning  that  the 
old  woman  kindled  the  fire  with  it — 

Then,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  there  is 

no  further  occasion  for  our  services.  The 
more,  an'  please  your  honour,  the  pity,  said 
the  corporal;  in  uttering  which  he  cast  his 
spade  into  the  wheel- barrow,  which  was  be- 
side him,  with  an  air  the  most  expressive 
of  disconsolation  that  can  be  imagined,  and 
was  heavily  turning  about  to  look  for  his 
pickax,  his  pioneer's  shovel,  his  picquets  and 

146 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

other  little  military  stores,  in  order  to  carry 

them    off    the    field when    a    heigh-ho ! 

from  the  sentry-box,  which,  being  made  of 
thin  slit  deal,  reverberated  the  sound  more 
sorrowfully  to  his  ear,  forbad  him. 

No ;  said  the  corporal  to  himself,  I'll 

do  it  before  his  honour  rises  to-morrow 
morning;  so  taking  his  spade  out  of  the 
wheel-barrow  again,  with  a  little  earth  in 
it,  as  if  to  level  something  at  the  foot  of 
the  glacis but  with  a  real  intent  to  ap- 
proach nearer  to  his  master,  in  order  to 

divert  him he  loosen' d  a  sod  or  two 

pared  their  edges  with  his  spade,  and  hav- 
ing given  them  a  gentle  blow  or  two  with 
the  back  of  it,  he  sat  himself  down  close 
by  my  uncle  Toby's  feet,  and  began  as  fol- 
lows. 


14T 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

IT  was  a  thousand  pities though  I  be- 
lieve,   an'    please    your    honour,    I    am 
going  to  say  but  a  foolish  kind  of   a 
thing  for  a  soldier 

A  soldier,  cried  my  uncle  Toby,  inter- 
rupting the  corporal,  is  no  more  exempt 
from  saying  a  foolish  thing,  Trim,  than  a 

man  of  letters But    not    so    often,    an' 

please  your  honour,  replied  the  corporal 

My  uncle  Toby  gave  a  nod. 

It  was  a  thousand  pities  then,  said  the 
corporal,  casting  his  eye  upon  Dunkirk,  and 
the  mole,  as  Servius  Sulpicius,  in  returning 
out  of  Asia  (when  he  sailed  from  jffigina 
towards  Megard),  did  upon  Corinth  and 
Pyreus 

— "It  was   a  thousand   pities,   an'    please 
your    honour,   to    destroy    these   works- 
and    a    thousand    pities    to    have   let   thei 
stood." 

Thou  art  right,  Trim,  in  both  cases; 

said  my  uncle  Toby. This,  continued  the 

148 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

corporal,  is  the  reason,  that  from  the  begin- 
ning of  their  demolition  to  the  end 1 

have  never  once  whistled,  or  sung,  or 
laugh'd,  or  cry'd,  or  talk'd  of  past  done 
deeds,  or  told  your  honour  one  story  good 
or  bad 

Thou  hast  many  excellencies,  Trim, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  and  I  hold  it  not  the 
least  of  them,  as  thou  happenest  to  be  a 
story-teller,  that  of  the  number  thou  hast 
told  me,  either  to  amuse  me  in  my  pain- 
ful hours,  or  divert  me  in  my  grave  ones — 
thou  hast  seldom  told  me  a  bad  one 

Because,  an'  please  your  honour,  ex- 
cept one  of  a  King  of  Bohemia  and  his 
seven  castles, — they  are  all  true ;  for  they 
are  about  myself 

I  do  not  like  the  subject  the  worse, 
Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  on  that  score: 
But  prithee  what  is  this  story?  thou  hast 
excited  my  curiosity. 

I'll  tell  it  your  honou^  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, directly  —  Provided,  said  my  uncle 
Toby,  looking  earnestly  towards  Dunkirk 

and  the  mole  again provided  it  is  not  a 

merry  one;  to  such,  Trim,  a  man  should 
ever  bring  one  half  of  the  entertainment 

149 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

along  with  him;  and  the  disposition  I  am 
in  at  present  would  wrong  both  thee,  Trim, 

and  thy  story It  is  not  a  merry  one  by 

any  means,  replied  the  corporal — Nor  would 
I  have  it  altogether  a  grave  one,  added  my 

uncle  Toby It  is  neither  the  one  nor  the 

other,  replied  the  corporal,  but  will  suit  your 

honour  exactly Then  I'll  thank  thee  for 

it  with  all  my  heart,  cried  my  uncle  Toby; 
so  prithee  begin  it,  Trim. 

The  corporal  made  his  reverence ;  and 
though  it  is  not  so  easy  a  matter  as  the 
world  imagines,  to  pull  off  a  lank  Montero- 

cap  with  grace or  a  whit  less  difficult,  in 

my  conceptions,  when  a  man  is  sitting  squat 
upon  the  ground,  to  make  a  bow  so  teem- 
ing with  respect  as  the  corporal  was  wont, 
yet  by  suffering  the  palm  of  his  right  hand, 
which  was  towards  his  master,  to  slip  back- 
wards upon  the  grass,  a  little  beyond  his 
body,  in  order  to  allow  it  the  greater  sweep 

and  by  an  unforced  compression,  at  the 

same  time,  of  his  cap  with  the  thumb  and 
the  two  forefingers  of  his  left,  by  which  the 
diameter  of  the  cap  became  reduced,  so  that 
it  might  be  said,  rather  to  be  insensibly 
squeez'd — than  pull'd  off  with  a  flatus 

150 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  corporal  acquitted  himself  of  both  in  a 
better  manner  than  the  posture  of  his  affairs 
promised ;  and  having  hemmed  twice,  to  find 
in  what  key  his  story  would  best  go,  and  best 
suit  his  master's  humour, — he  exchanged  a 
single  look  of  kindness  with  him,  and  set  off 
thus. 


THE    STORY    OF    THE    KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS     SEVEN     CASTLES. 

THERE   was    a    certain   king  of    Bo  -  - 
he 

As  the  corporal  was  entering  the  con- 
fines of  Bohemia,  my  uncle  Toby  obliged 
him  to  halt  for  a  single  moment;  he  had 
set  out  bare-headed,  having  since  he  pull'd 
off  his  Montero-cap  in  the  latter  end  of  the 
last  chapter,  left  it  lying  beside  him  on  the 
ground. 

The    eye    of    Goodness    espieth    all 

things so    that  before  the  corporal   had 

well  got  through  the  first  five  words  of  his 
story,  had  my  uncle  Toby  twice  touch 'd  his 
Montero-cap  with  the  end  of  his  cane,  in- 
terrogatively  as  much  as  to  say,  Why 

161 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

don't  you  put  it  on,  Trim?  Trim  took  it 
up  with  the  most  respectful  slowness,  and 
casting  a  glance  of  humiliation  as  he  did  it, 
upon  the  embroidery  of  the  fore-part,  which 
being  dismally  tarnish'd  and  fray'd  more- 
over in  some  of  the  principal  leaves  and 
boldest  parts  of  the  pattern,  he  lay'd  it 
down  again  between  his  two  feet,  in  order 
to  moralize  upon  the  subject. 

'Tis   every  word  of  it   but  too  true, 

cried  my  uncle  Toby,  that  thou  art  about 
to  observe 

"Nothing  in  this  world,  Trim,  is  made  to 
last  for  ever." 

But  when   tokens,  dear   Tom,  of  thy 

love  and  remembrance  wear  out,  said  Trim, 
what  shall  we  say? 

There  is  no  occasion,  Trim,  quoth  my 
uncle  Toby,  to  say  any  thing  else;  and  was 
a  man  to  puzzle  his  brains  till  Doom's  day, 
I  believe,  Trim,  it  would  be  impossible. 

The  corporal  perceiving  my  uncle  Toby 
was  in  the  right,  and  that  it  would  be  in 
vain  for  the  wit  of  man  to  think  of  extract- 
ing a  purer  moral  from  his  cap,  without 
further  attempting  it,  he  put  it  on ;  and 
passing  his  hand  across  his  forehead  to  rub 

152 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

out  a  pensive  wrinkle,  which  the  text  and 
the  doctrine  between  them  had  engender'd, 
he  return' d,  with  the  same  look  and  tone  of 
voice,  to  his  story  of  the  king  of  Bohemia 
and  his  seven  castles. 


THE     STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

THERE  was  a  certain  king  of  Bohemia, 
but  in  whose  reign,  except  his  own,  I 
am  not  able  to  inform  your  honour 

I  do  not  desire  it  of  thee,  Trim,  by  any 
means,  cried  my  uncle  Toby. 

It  was  a  little  before  the  time,  an' 

please  your  honour,  when  giants  were  be- 
ginning to  leave  off  breeding: — but  in  what 
year  of  our  Lord  that  was 

I  would  not  give  a  halfpenny  to  know, 
said  my  uncle  Toby. 

Only,  an'  please  your  honour,  it  makes 

a  story  look  the  better  in  the  face 

'Tis  thy  own,  Trim,  so  ornament  it 

after  thy  own  fashion;  and  take  any  date, 
continued  my  uncle  Toby,  looking  pleasantly 
upon  him — take  any  date  in  the  whole  world 

153 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

thou  chusest,  and  put  it  to — thou  art  heartily 

welcome 

The  corporal  bowed;  for  of  every  century, 
and  of  every  year  of  that  century,  from  the 
first  creation  of  the  world  down  to  Noah's 
flood ;  and  from  Noah's  flood  to  the  birth  of 
Abraham;  through  all  the  pilgrimages  of  the 
patriarchs,  to  the  departure  of  the  Israelites 

out   of  Egypt and    throughout    all    the 

Dynasties,  Olympiads,  Urbeconditas,  and 
other  memorable  epochas  of  the  different 
nations  of  the  world,  down  to  the  coming 
of  Christ,  and  from  thence  to  the  very 
moment  in  which  the  corporal  was  telling 

his  story had   my   uncle   Toby  subjected 

this  vast  empire  of  time  and  all  its  abysses 
at  his  feet;  but  as  MODESTY  scarce  touches 
with  a  finger  what  LIBERALITY  offers  her 
with  both  hands  open — the  corporal  con- 
tented himself  with  the  very  worst  year  of 
the  whole  bunch;  which,  to  prevent  your 
honours  of  the  Majority  and  Minority  from 
tearing  the  very  flesh  off  your  bones  in  con- 
testation, *  Whether  that  year  is  not  always 
the  last  cast-year  of  the  last  cast-almanack' 

1   tell  you  plainly  it  was;   but  from  a 

different  reason  than  you  wot  of 

154 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

It  was  the  year  next  him which 

being  the  year  of  our  Lord  seventeen  hun- 
dred and  twelve,  when  the  Duke  of  Ormond 

was   playing  the  devil   in   Flanders the 

corporal  took  it,  and  set  out  with  it  afresh 
on  his  expedition  to  Bohemia. 


THE     STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 


I 


N    the    year  of   our   Lord    one   thousand 
seven    hundred   and   twelve,   there   was, 

an'  please  your  honour 

To   tell  thee  truly,   Trim,  quoth  my 

uncle  Toby,  any  other  date  would  have 
pleased  me  much  better,  not  only  on  ac- 
count of  the  sad  stain  upon  our  history 
that  year,  in  marching  off  our  troops,  and 
refusing  to  cover  the  siege  of  Quesnot, 
though  Fagel  %vas  carrying  on  the  works 
with  such  incredible  vigour — but  likewise 
on  the  score,  Trim,  of  thy  own  story;  be- 
cause if  there  are — and  which,  from  what 
thou  hast  dropt,  I  partly  suspect  to  be  the 
fact — if  there  are  giants  in  it 

166 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

There  is  but  one,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our  

'Tis  as  bad  as  twenty,  replied  my 

uncle  Toby thou  should'st  have  carried 

him  back  some  seven  or  eight  hundred 
years  out  of  harm's  way,  both  of  critics 
and  other  people;  and  therefore  I  would 
advise  thee,  if  ever  thou  tellest  it  again 

If  I  live,  an'  please  your  honour,  but 

once  to  get  through  it,  I  will  never  tell  it 
again,  quoth  Trim,  either  to  man,  woman, 

or  child Poo — poo!  said  my  uncle  Toby 

— but  with  accents  of  such  sweet  encourage- 
ment did  he  utter  it,  that  the  corporal  went 
on  with  his  story  with  more  alacrity  than 
ever. 


THE    STORY    OF    THE     KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN   CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

^  I  ^HERE  was,   an'   please    your   honour, 
-1-     said    the    corporal,    raising    his    voice, 
and    rubbing    the    palms    of    his    two 
hands  cheerily  together  as  he  begun,  a  cer- 
tain king  of  Bohemia 

156 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Leave  out  the  date  entirely,  Trim, 

quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  leaning  forwards,  and 
laying  his  hand  gently  upon  the  corporal's 
shoulder  to  temper  the  interruption — leave 
it  out  entirely,  Trim;  a  story  passes  very 
well  without  these  niceties,  unless  one  is 

pretty  sure  of  'em Sure  of  'em!  said  the 

corporal,  shaking  his  head 

Right;  answered  my  uncle  Toby,  it  is  not 
easy,  Trim,  for  one,  bred  up  as  thou  and  I 
have  been  to  arms,  who  seldom  looks  fur- 
ther forward  than  to  the  end  of  his  musket, 
or  backwards  beyond  his  knapsack,  to  know 

much  about  this  matter God  bless  your 

honour!  said  the  corporal,  won  by  the  man- 
ner of  my  uncle  Toby's  reasoning,  as  much 
as  by  the  reasoning  itself,  he  has  something 
else  to  do;  if  not  on  action,  or  a  march, 
or  upon  duty  in  his  garrison  —  he  has  his 
firelock,  an'  please  your  honour,  to  furbish — 
his  accoutrements  to  take  care  of — his  regi- 
mentals to  mciid  —  himself  to  shave  and 
keep  clean,  so  as  to  appear  always  like  what 
he  is  upon  the  parade;  what  business,  added 
the  corporal  triumphantly,  has  a  soldier,  an' 
please  your  honour,  to  know  any  thing  at 
all  of  geography? 

157 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Thou  would 'st  have  said  chronology, 

Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby;  for  as  for  geog- 
raphy, 'tis  of  absolute  use  to  him;  he  must 
be  acquainted  intimately  with  every  country 
and  its  boundaries  where  his  profession  car- 
ries him;  he  should  know  every  town  and 
city,  and  village  and  hamlet,  with  the  canals, 
the  roads,  and  hollow  ways  which  lead  up 
to  them;  there  is  not  a  river  or  a  rivulet 
he  passes,  Trim,  but  he  should  be  able  at 
first  sight  to  tell  thee  what  is  its  name — 
in  what  mountains  it  takes  its  rise — what  is 
its  course — how  far  it  is  navigable — where 
fordable — where  not;  he  should  know  the 
fertility  of  every  valley,  as  well  as  the  hind 
who  ploughs  it;  and  be  able  to  describe, 
or,  if  it  is  required,  to  give  thee  an  exact 
map  of  all  the  plains  and  defiles,  the  forts, 
the  acclivities,  the  woods  and  morasses,  thro' 
and  by  which  his  army  is  to  march;  he 
should  know  their  produce,  their  plants, 
their  minerals,  their  waters,  their  animals, 
their  seasons,  their  climates,  their  heats  and 
cold,  their  inhabitants,  their  customs,  their 
language,  their  policy,  and  even  their  re- 
ligion. 

Is  it  else  to  be  conceived,  corporal,  con- 

168 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tinued  my  uncle  Toby,  rising  up  in  his  sen- 
try-box, as  he  began  to  warm  in  this  part 
of  his  discourse  —  how  Marlborough  could 
have  marched  his  army  from  the  banks  of 
the  Maes  to  Belburg;  from  Belburg  to 
Kerpenord — (here  the  corporal  could  sit  no 
longer)  from  Kerpenord,  Trim,  to  Kalsaken; 
from  Kalsaken  to  Newdorf;  from  Newdorf 
to  Ladenbourg;  from  Ladenbourg  to  Milden- 
heim;  from  Mildenheim  to  Elchingen;  from 
Elchingen  to  Gingen;  from  Gingen  to  Bal- 
merchoffen;  from  Balmerchoffen  to  Skellen- 
burg,  where  he  broke  in  upon  the  enemy's 
works;  forced  his  passage  over  the  Danube; 
cross 'd  the  Lech — push'd  on  his  troops  into 
the  heart  of  the  empire,  marching  at  the 
head  of  them  through  Fribourg,  Hokenwert, 
and  Schonevelt,  to  the  plains  of  Blenheim 

and  Hochstet? Great  as  he  was,  corporal, 

he  could  not  have  advanced  a  step,  or  made 
one  single  day's  march,  without  the  aids  of 

Geography. As   for   Chronology,   I   own, 

Trim,  continued  my  uncle  Toby,  sitting 
down  again  coolly  in  his  sentry-box,  that 
of  all  others,  it  seems  a  science  which  the 
soldier  might  best  spare,  was  it  not  for  the 
lights  which  that  science  must  one  day  give 

159 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

him,  in  determining  the  invention  of  pow- 
der; the  furious  execution  of  which,  ren- 
versing  every  thing  like  thunder  before  it, 
has  become  a  new  £era  to  us  of  military 
improvements,  changing  so  totally  the  na- 
ture of  attacks  and  defences  both  by  sea 
and  land,  and  awakening  so  much  art  and 
skill  in  doing  it,  that  the  world  cannot  be 
too  exact  in  ascertaining  the  precise  time  of 
its  discovery,  or  too  inquisitive  in  knowing 
what  great  man  was  the  discoverer,  and 
what  occasions  gave  birth  to  it. 

I  am  far  from  controverting,  continued 
my  uncle  Toby,  what  historians  agree  in, 
that  in  the  year  of  our  Lord  1380,  under 
the  reign  of  Wencelaus,  son  of  Charles  the 

Fourth a  certain  priest,  whose  name  was 

Schwartz,  shew'd  the  use  of  powder  to  the 
Venetians,  in  their  wars  against  the  Genoese; 
but  'tis  certain  he  was  not  the  first;  because, 
if  we  are  to  believe  Don  Pedro,  the  bishop 
of  Leon — How  came  priests  and  bishops,  an' 
please  your  honour,  to  trouble  their  heads 
so  much  about  gun-powder  ?  God  knows, 
said  my  uncle  Toby— — his  providence  brings 
good  out  of  every  thing — and  he  avers,  in 
his  chronicle  of  King  Alphonsus,  who  re- 

160 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

duced  Toledo,  That  in  the  year  1343,  which 
was  full  thirty-seven  years  before  that  time, 
the  secret  of  powder  was  well  known,  and 
employed  with  success,  both  by  Moors  and 
Christians,  not  only  in  then*  sea-combats,  at 
that  period,  but  in  many  of  their  most 
memorable  sieges  in  Spain  and  Barbary — 
And  all  the  world  knows,  that  Friar  Bacon 
had  wrote  expressly  about  it,  and  had  gen- 
erously given  the  world  a  receipt  to  make 
it  by,  above  a  hundred  and  fifty  years  be- 
fore even  Schwartz  was  born — And  that  the 
Chinese,  added  my  uncle  Toby,  embarrass  us, 
and  all  accounts  of  it,  still  more,  by  boast- 
ing of  the  invention  some  hundreds  of  years 
even  before  him 

— They  are  a  pack  of  liars,  I  believe,  cried 
Trim 

They  are  somehow  or  other  deceived, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  in  this  matter,  as  is 
plain  to  me  from  the  present  miserable 
state  of  military  architecture  amongst  them; 
which  consists  of  nothing  more  than  a  fosse 
with  a  brick  wall  without  flanks — and  for 
what  they  gave  us  as  a  bastion  at  each 
angle  of  it,  'tis  so  barbarously  constructed, 
that  it  looks  for  all  the  world — 

161 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Like  one  of  my  seven  castles,  an'  please 
your  honour,  quoth  Trim. 

My  uncle  Toby,  tho'  in  the  utmost  dis- 
tress for  a  comparison,  most  courteously 
refused  Trim's  offer — till  Trim  telling  him, 
he  had  half  a  dozen  more  in  Bohemia,  which 

he  knew  not  how  to  get  off  his  hands 

my    uncle    Toby  was    so    touch 'd  with   the 

pleasantry  of  heart  of  the  corporal that 

he  discontinued  his  dissertation  upon  gun- 
powder  and  begged  the  corporal  forth- 
with to  go  on  with  his  story  of  the  King 
of  Bohemia  and  his  seven  castles. 


THE    STORY    OF    THE    KING    OF    BOHEMIA    AND 
HIS    SEVEN    CASTLES,    CONTINUED. 

THIS  unfortunate  King  of  Bohemia,  said 
Trim, Was   he  unfortunate,  then? 

cried  my  uncle  Toby,  for  he  had  been 
so  wrapt  up  in  his  dissertation  upon  gun- 
powder, and  other  military  affairs,  that  tho' 
he  had  desired  the  corporal  to  go  on,  yet 
the  many  interruptions  he  had  given,  dwelt 
not  so  strong  upon  his  fancy,  as  to  account 

169 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

for  the  epithet Was  he  unfortunate,  then, 

Trim?  said  my  uncle  Toby,  pathetically 

The  corporal,  wishing  first  the  word  and  all 
its  synonimas  at  the  devil,  forthwith  began 
to  run  back  in  his  mind,  the  principal  events 
in  the  King  of  Bohemia's  story;  from  every 
one  of  which,  it  appearing  that  he  was  the 
most  fortunate  man  that  ever  existed  in  the 

world it  put  the  corporal  to  a  stand:  for 

not  caring  to  retract  his  epithet and  less, 

to  explain  it and  least  of  all,  to  twist  his 

tale  (like  men  of  lore)  to  serve  a  system 

he  looked  up  in  my  uncle  Toby's  face  for 

assistance but  seeing  it  was  the  very 

thing,  my  uncle  Toby  sat  in  expectation  of 

himself after  a  hum  and  a  haw,  he  went 

on 

The  King  of  Bohemia,  an'  please  your 
honour,  replied  the  corporal,  was  unfortu- 
nate, as  thus That  taking  great  pleasure 

and  delight  in  navigation  and  all  sort  of  sea 

affairs and  thore  happening  throughout 

the  whole  kingdom  of  Bohemia,  to  be  no 
sea-port  town  whatever 

How  the  duce  should  there — Trim?  cried 
my  uncle  Toby;  for  Bohemia  being  totally 
inland,  it  could  have  happen'd  no  other- 

163 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

wise It  might;  said  Trim,  if  it  had 

pleased  God 

My  uncle  Toby  never  spoke  of  the  being 
and  natural  attributes  of  God,  but  with  dif- 
fidence and  hesitation 

1  believe  not,  replied  my  uncle  Toby, 

after  some  pause for  being  inland,  as  I 

said,  and  having  Silesia  and  Moravia  to  the 
east;  Lusatia  and  Upper  Saxony  to  the 
north;  Franconia  to  the  west;  Bavaria  to 
the  south;  Bohemia  could  not  have  been 
propell'd  to  the  sea,  without  ceasing  to  be 

Bohemia nor  could  the  sea,  on  the  other 

hand,  have  come  up  to  Bohemia,  without 
overflowing  a  great  part  of  Germany,  and 
destroying  millions  of  unfortunate  inhabit- 
ants who  could  make  no  defence  against  it 

Scandalous!  cried  Trim — Which  would 

bespeak,  added  my  uncle  Toby,  mildly,  such 
a  want  of  compassion  in  him  who  is  the 

father  of  it that,  I  think,  Trim the 

thing  could  have  happen' d  no  way. 

The  corporal  made  the  bow  of  unfeigned 
conviction;  and  went  on. 

Now  the  King  of  Bohemia  with  his  queen 
and  courtiers  happening  one  fine  summer's 
evening  to  walk  out Aye!  there  the 

164 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

word  happening  is  right,  Trim,  cried  my 
uncle  Toby;  for  the  King  of  Bohemia  and 
his  queen  might  have  walk'd  out  or  let  it 

alone; 'twas    a   matter   of    contingency, 

which  might  happen,  or  not,  just  as  chance 
ordered  it. 

King  William  was  of  an  opinion,  an'  please 
your  honour,  quoth  Trim,  that  every  thing 
was  predestined  for  us  in  this  world;  inso- 
much, that  he  would  often  say  to  his  sol- 
diers, that  " every  ball  had  its  billet."  He 

was   a  great   man,  said  my  uncle  Toby 

And  I  believe,  continued  Trim,  to  this  day, 
that  the  shot  which  disabled  me  at  the 
battle  of  Landen,  was  pointed  at  my  knee 
for  no  other  purpose,  but  to  take  me  out 
of  his  service,  and  place  me  in  your  hon- 
our's, where  I  should  be  taken  so  much 

better   care   of   in    my   old    age It   shall 

never,  Trim,  be  construed  otherwise,  said 
my  uncle  Toby. 

The  heart,  both  of  the  master  and  the 
man,  were  alike  subject  to  sudden  overflow, 
ings; a  short  silence  ensued. 

Besides,   said   the    corporal,  resuming   the 

discourse — but    in    a    gayer    accent if   it 

had  not   been   for  that  single   shot,    I    had 

105 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

never,    an'    please    your    honour,    been    in 
love 

So,  thou  wast  once  in  love,  Trim!  said 
my  uncle  Toby,  smiling 

Souse !  replied  the  corporal — over  head 
and  ears!  an'  please  your  honour.  Prithee 
when?  where? — and  how  came  it  to  pass? 

1   never  heard   one   word   of  it   before; 

quoth   my  uncle  Toby: 1   dare  say,  an- 
swered  Trim,  that  every  drummer  and  ser- 

jeant's  son  in  the  regiment  knew  of  it 

It's    high   time    I    should said   my  uncle 

Toby. 

Your  honour  remembers  with  concern, 
said  the  corporal,  the  total  rout  and  con- 
fusion of  our  camp  and  army  at  the  affair 
of  Landen;  every  one  was  left  to  shift  for 
himself;  and  if  it  had  not  been  for  the  regi- 
ments of  Wyndham,  Lumley,  and  Galway, 
which  covered  the  retreat  over  the  bridge 
of  Neerspeeken,  the  king  himself  could 

scarce    have    gained    it he    was    press 'd 

hard,  as  your  honour  knows,  on  every  side 
of  him 

Gallant    mortal !    cried    my    uncle    Toby, 
caught  up  with   enthusiasm — this   momenl 
now  that  all  is   lost,    I   see   him   gallopi] 

166 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

across  me,  corporal,  tc  the  left,  to  bring 
up  the  remains  of  the  English  horse  along 
with  him  to  support  the  right,  and  tear  the 
laurel  from  Luxembourg's  brows,  if  yet  'tis 

possible 1  see  him  with  the  knot  of  his 

scarfe  just  shot  off,  infusing  fresh  spirits  into 
poor  Gal-way's  regiment — riding  along  the 
line  —  then  wheeling  about,  and  charging 

Conti  at  the  head  of  it Brave!  brave  by 

heaven!   cried  my  uncle   Toby — he  deserves 

a  crown As   richly,  as   a  thief  a  halter; 

shouted  Trim. 

My  uncle  Toby  knew  the  corporal's  loy- 
alty;— otherwise  the  comparison  was  not  at 

all    to    his   mind it   did   not   altogether 

strike  the  corporal's  fancy  when  he  had  made 

it but  it  could  not  be  recall' d so  he 

had  nothing  to  do,  but  proceed. 

As  the  number  of  wounded  was  prodi- 
gious, and  no  one  had  time  to  think  of 
any  thing  but  his  own  safety  —  Though 
Talmash,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  brought  off 

the  foot  with  great  prudence But  I  was 

left  upon  the  field,  said  the  corporal.  Thou 
wast  so;  poor  fellow!  replied  my  uncle 

Toby So  that  it  was  noon  the  next  day, 

continued    the    corporal,   before    I   was   ex- 

167 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

changed,  and  put  into  a  cart  with  thirteen 
or  fourteen  more,  in  order  to  be  convey'd 
to  our  hospital. 

There  is  no  part  of  the  body,  an'  please 
your  honour,  where  a  wound  occasions  more 
intolerable  anguish  than  upon  the  knee 

Except  the  groin;  said  my  uncle  Toby. 
An'  please  your  honour,  replied  the  cor- 
poral, the  knee,  in  my  opinion,  must  cer- 
tainly be  the  most  acute,  there  being  so 
many  tendons  and  what -d'ye -call -'ems  all 
about  it. 

It  is  for  that  reason,  quoth  my  uncle 
Toby,  that  the  groin  is  infinitely  more  sensi- 
ble  there  being  not  only  as  many  ten- 
dons and  what- d'ye -call -'ems  (for  I  know 

their  names  as  little  as  thou  dost) about 

it but  moreover  *  *  * 

Mrs  Wadman,  who  had  been  all  the  time 
in  her  arbour — instantly  stopp'd  her  breath 
— unpinn'd  her  mob  at  the  chin,  and  stood 
up  upon  one  leg 

The  dispute  was  maintained  with  amica- 
ble and  equal  force  betwixt  my  uncle  Toby 
and  Trim  for  some  time;  till  Trim  at  length 
recollecting  that  he  had  often  cried  at  his 
master's  sufferings,  but  never  shed  a  tear  at 

168 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

his  own— was  for  giving  up  the  point,  which 

my  uncle  Toby  would  not  allow 'Tis  a 

proof  of  nothing,  Trim,  said  he,  but  the 
generosity  of  thy  temper 

So  that  whether  the  pain  of  a  wound  in 
the  groin  (casteris  paribus)  is  greater  than 
the  pain  of  a  wound  in  the  knee or 

Whether  the  pain  of  a  wound  hi  the 
knee  is  not  greater  than  the  pain  of  a 

wound  in  the  groin are  points  which  to 

this  day  remain  unsettled. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

THE  anguish  of  my  knee,  continued  the 
corporal,  was   excessive  in  itself;   and 
the   uneasiness  of  the   cart,  with  the 
roughness  of  the  roads  which  were  terribly 

cut  up making   bad   still   worse — every 

step  was  death  to  me:  so  that  with  the  loss 
of  blood,  and  the  want  of  care-taking  of  me, 

and  a  fever   I    felt  coming  on  besides 

(Poor    soul!    said    my    uncle    Toby) all 

169 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

together,  an'  please  your  honour,  was  more 
than  I  could  sustain. 

I  was  telling  my  sufferings  to  a  young 
woman  at  a  peasant's  house,  where  our  cart, 
which  was  the  last  of  the  line,  had  halted; 
they  had  help'd  me  in,  and  the  young  woman 
had  taken  a  cordial  out  of  her  pocket  and 
dropp'd  it  upon  some  sugar,  and  seeing  it 
had  cheer' d  me,  she  had  given  it  me  a 
second  and  a  third  time So  I  was  tell- 
ing her,  an'  please  your  honour,  the  anguish 
I  was  in,  and  was  saying  it  was  so  intolera- 
ble to  me,  that  I  had  much  rather  lie  down 
upon  the  bed,  turning  my  face  towards  one 
which  was  in  the  corner  of  the  room — and 
die,  than  go  on when,  upon  her  attempt- 
ing to  lead  me  to  it,  I  fainted  away  in  her 
arms.  She  was  a  good  soul !  as  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal,  wiping  his  eyes,  will 
hear. 

I  thought  love  had  been  a  joyous  thing, 
quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 

'Tis  the  most  serious  thing,  an'  please 
your  honour  (sometimes),  that  is  in  the 
world. 

By  the  persuasion  of  the  young  woman, 
continued  the  corporal,  the  cart  with  the 

170 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

wounded  men  set  off  without  me:  she  had 
assured  them  I  should  expire  immediately 
if  I  was  put  into  the  cart.  So  when  I  came 

to  myself 1  found  myself  in  a  still  quiet 

cottage,  with  no  one  but  the  young  woman, 
and  the  peasant  and  his  wife.  I  was  laid 
across  the  bed  in  the  corner  of  the  room, 
with  my  wounded  leg  upon  a  chair,  and  the 
young  woman  beside  me,  holding  the  corner 
of  her  handkerchief  dipp'd  in  vinegar  to  my 
nose  with  one  hand,  and  rubbing  my  tem- 
ples with  the  other. 

I  took  her  at  first  for  the  daughter  of 
the  peasant  (for  it  was  no  inn) — so  had 
offer 'd  her  a  little  purse  with  eighteen 
florins,  which  my  poor  brother  Tom  (here 
Trim  wip'd  his  eyes)  had  sent  me  as  a 
token,  by  a  recruit,  just  before  he  set  out 
for  Lisbon. 

1  never  told  your  honour  that  pite- 
ous story  yet here  Trim  wiped  his  eyes 

a  third  time. 

The  young  woman  call'd  the  old  man 
and  his  wife  into  the  room,  to  shew  them 
the  money,  in  order  to  gain  me  credit  for 
a  bed  and  what  little  necessaries  I  should 
want,  till  I  should  be  in  a  condition  to  be 

ni 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

got  to  the  hospital Come  then!  said  she, 

tying  up  the  little  purse — I'll  be  your 
banker  —  but  as  that  office  alone  will  not 
keep  me  employ 'd,  I'll  be  your  nurse  too. 

I  thought  by  her  manner  of  speaking  this, 
as  well  as  by  her  dress,  which  I  then  began 

to  consider  more  attentively that  the 

young  woman  could  not  be  the  daughter 
of  the  peasant. 

She  was  in  black  down  to  her  toes,  with 
her  hah-  conceal'd  under  a  cambric  border, 
laid  close  to  her  forehead:  she  was  one  of 
those  kind  of  nuns,  an'  please  your  honour, 
of  which,  your  honour  knows,  there  are  a 
good  many  in  Flanders  which  they  let  go 

loose By  thy  description,  Trim,  said  my 

uncle  Toby,  I  dare  say  she  was  a  young 
Beguine,  of  which  there  are  none  to  be 
found  any  where  but  in  the  Spanish  Nether- 
lands— except  at  Amsterdam they  differ 

from  nuns  in  this,  that  they  can  quit  their 
cloister  if  they  choose  to  marry;  they  visit 

and  take  care  of  the  sick  by  profession 

I  had  rather,  for  my  own  part,  they  did  it 
out  of  good-nature. 

She  often  told  me,  quoth  Trim,  she 

did  it  for  the  love  of  Christ — I  did  not  like 

178 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

it. 1  believe,   Trim,  we  are  both  wrong, 

said  my  uncle  Toby— we'll  ask  Mr  Yorick 
about  it  to-night  at  my  brother  Shandy's 

so  put  me  in  mind;    added  my  uncle 

Toby. 

The  young  Beguine,  continued  the  cor- 
poral, had  scarce  given  herself  time  to  tell 
me  "she  would  be  my  nurse,"  when  she 
hastily  turned  about  to  begin  the  office  of 

one,  and  prepare  something  for  me and 

in  a  short  time — though  I  thought  it  a  long 
one — she  came  back  with  flannels,  &c.  &c. 
and  having  fomented  my  knee  soundly  for 
a  couple  of  hours,  &c.  and  made  me  a  thin 
bason  of  gruel  for  my  supper — she  wish'd 
me  rest,  and  promised  to  be  with  me 

early  in  the  morning. She  wish'd  me, 

an'  please  your  honour,  what  was  not 
to  be  had.  My  fever  ran  very  high  that 
night  —  her  figure  made  sad  disturbance 
within  me — I  was  every  moment  cutting 
the  world  in  two — to  give  her  half  of  it — 
and  every  moment  was  I  crying,  That  I 
had  nothing  but  a  knapsack  and  eighteen 

florins    to    share    with    her The    whole 

night  long  was  the  fair  Beguine,  like  an 
angel,  close  by  my  bedside,  holding  back 

173 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

my  curtain  and  offering  me  cordials  —  and  I 
was  only  awakened  from  my  dream  by  her 
coming  there  at  the  hour  promised,  and 
giving  them  in  reality.  In  truth,  she  was 
scarce  ever  from  me;  and  so  accustomed 
was  I  to  receive  life  from  her  hands,  that 
my  heart  sickened,  and  I  lost  colour  when 
she  left  the  room:  and  yet,  continued  the 
corporal  (making  one  of  the  strangest  reflec- 
tions upon  it  in  the  world)  - 

-  "It  was  not  love"  -  for  during  the 
three  weeks  she  was  almost  constantly  with 
me,  fomenting  my  knee  with  her  hand, 
night  and  day  —  I  can  honestly  say,  an' 
please  your  honour  —  that  *  *  *  * 


*        * 


once. 


That    was    very    odd,     Trim,    quoth    my 
uncle  Toby. 

I  think  so  too  —  said  Mrs   Wadman. 
It  never  did,  said  the  corporal. 


174 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

But  'tis  no  marvel,  continued  the  cor- 
poral— seeing  my  uncle  Toby  musing  upon 
it — for  Love,  an'  please  your  honour,  is  ex- 
actly like  war,  in  this;  that  a  soldier,  though 
he  has  escaped  three  weeks  complete  tf  Satur- 
day night, — may  nevertheless  be  shot  through 

his  heart  on  Sunday  morning It  happened 

so  here,  an'  please  your  honour,  with  this  dif- 
ference only — that  it  was  on  Sunday  in  the 
afternoon,  when  I  fell  in  love  all  at  once 

with  a  sisserara It  burst  upon  me,  an' 

please  your  honour,  like  a  bomb scarce 

giving  me  time  to  say,  "God  bless  me." 

I  thought,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  a 
man  never  fell  in  love  so  very  suddenly. 

Yes,  an'  please  your  honour,  if  he  is  in 
the  way  of  it replied  Trim. 

I  prithee,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  inform 
me  how  this  matter  happened. 

With  all  pleasure,  said  the  corporal, 

making  a  bow. 


115 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

I  HAD  escaped,  continued  the  corporal, 
all  that  time  from  falling  in  love,  and 
had  gone  to  the  end  of  the  chapter, 

had  it  not  been  predestined  otherwise 

there  is  no  resisting  our  fate. 

It  was  on  a  Sunday,  in  the  afternoon,  as 
I  told  your  honour. 

The  old  man  and  his  wife  had  walked 
out 

Every  thing  was  still  and  hush  as  mid- 
night about  the  house 

There  was  not  so  much  as  a  duck  or  a 
duckling  about  the  yard 

When  the  fair  Beguine  came  in  to 

see  me. 

My  wound  was  then  in  a  fair  way  of  do- 
ing well the  inflammation  had  been  gone 

off  for  some  time,  but  it  was  succeeded  with 
an  itching  both  above  and  below  my  knee, 
so  insufferable,  that  I  had  not  shut  my  eyes 
the  whole  night  for  it. 

Let  me  see  it,   said  she,   kneeling   down 


176 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

upon  the  ground  parallel  to  my  knee,  and 

laying  her  hand  upon  the  part  below  it 

it  only  wants  rubbing  a  little,  said  the 
Beguine;  so  covering  it  with  the  bed- 
clothes, she  began  with  the  fore-finger  of 
her  right  hand  to  rub  under  my  knee,  guid- 
ing her  fore-finger  backwards  and  forwards 
by  the  edge  of  the  flannel  which  kept  on 
the  dressing. 

In  five  or  six  minutes  I  felt  slightly  the 
end  of  her  second  finger — and  presently  it 
was  laid  flat  with  the  other,  and  she  con- 
tinued rubbing  in  that  way  round  and  round 
for  a  good  while;  it  then  came  into  my 
head,  that  I  should  fall  in  love — I  blush 'd 
when  I  saw  how  white  a  hand  she  had — I 
shall  never,  an'  please  your  honour,  behold 

another  hand  so  white  whilst  I  live 

-Not    in    that    place;    said    my   uncle 


Toby- 

Though  it  was  the  most  serious  despair  in 
nature  to  the  corporal — he  could  not  forbear 
smiling. 

The  young  Beguine,  continued  the  cor- 
poral, perceiving  it  was  of  great  service  to 
me — from  rubbing  for  some  time,  with  two 
fingers — proceeded  to  rub  at  length,  with 

177 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

three — till  by  little  and  little  she  brought 
down  the  fourth,  and  then  rubb'd  with  her 
whole  hand:  I  will  never  say  another  word, 
an'  please  your  honour,  upon  hands  again — 
but  it  was  softer  than  sattin 

Prithee,  Trim,  commend  it  as  much 

as  thou  wilt,  said  my  uncle  Toby;  I  shall 

hear  thy  story  with  the  more  delight 

The  corporal  thank' d  his  master  most  un- 
feignedly;  but  having  nothing  to  say  upon 
the  Beguine's  hand  but  the  same  over  again 
he  proceeded  to  the  effects  of  it. 

The  fair  Beguine,  said  the  corporal,  con- 
tinued rubbing  with  her  whole  hand  under 
my  knee — till  I  fear'd  her  zeal  would  weary 

her "I  would  do  a  thousand  times 

more,"  said  she,  "for  the  love  of  Christ" 

In  saying  which  she  pass'd  her  hand 

across  the  flannel,  to  the  part  above  my 
knee,  which  I  had  equally  complain 'd  of, 
and  rubb'd  it  also. 

I  perceived,  then,  I  was  beginning  to  be 
in  love 

As  she  continued  rub-rub-rubbing — I  felt 
it  spread  from  under  her  hand,  an'  please 
your  honour,  to  every  part  of  my  frame 

The    more    she    rubb'd,    and    the    longer 

178 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

strokes  she  took the  more  the  fire  kin- 
dled in  my  veins till  at  length,  by  two 

or  three  strokes  longer  than  the  rest my 

passion  rose  to  the  highest  pitch 1  seiz'd 

her  hand 

And  then  thou  clapped'st  it  to  thy 

lips,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby and 

madest  a  speech. 

Whether  the  corporal's  amour  terminated 
precisely  in  the  way  my  uncle  Toby  de- 
scribed it,  is  not  material;  it  is  enough  that 
it  contained  in  it  the  essence  of  all  the  love 
romances  which  ever  have  been  wrote  since 
the  beginning  of  the  world. 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

AS  soon  as  the  corporal  had  finished  the 
story   of   his    amour  —  or    rather   my 
uncle    Toby  for  him  —  Mrs    Wadman 
silently  sallied    forth    from    her   arbour,   re- 
placed   the    pin    in    her    mob,    pass'd    the 
wicker-gate,    and    advanced    slowly    towards 
my  uncle    Toby's    sentry-box:    the    disposi- 

179 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tion  which  Trim  had  made  in  my  uncle 
Toby's  mind,  was  too  favourable  a  crisis  to 
be  let  slipp'd 

The  attack  was  determin'd  upon:  it 

was  facilitated  still  more  by  my  uncle  Toby's 
having  ordered  the  corporal  to  wheel  off  the 
pioneer's  shovel,  the  spade,  the  pick-axe,  the 
picquets,  and  other  military  stores  which  lay 
scatter 'd  upon  the  ground  where  Dunkirk 
stood — The  corporal  had  march 'd — the  field 
was  clear. 

Now,  consider,  sir,  what  nonsense  it  is, 
either  in  fighting,  or  writing,  or  any  thing 
else  (whether  in  rhyme  to  it,  or  not)  which 
a  man  has  occasion  to  do — to  act  by  plan: 
for  if  ever  Plan,  independent  of  all  circum- 
stances, deserved  registering  in  letters  of  gold 
(I  mean  in  the  archives  of  Gotham) — it  was 
certainly  the  PLAN  of  Mrs  Wadmarts  attack 
of  my  uncle  Toby  in  his  sentry-box,  BY  PLAN 

Now  the  plan  hanging  up  in  it  at  this 

juncture,  being  the  Plan  of  Dunkirk — and 
the  tale  of  Dunkirk  a  tale  of  relaxation,  it 
opposed  every  impression  she  could  make: 
and  besides,  could  she  have  gone  upon  it — 
the  manoeuvre  of  fingers  and  hands  in  the 
attack  of  the  sentry-box,  was  so  outdone  by 

180 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

that  of  the  fair  Beguine's,  in  Trim's  story 

that  just  then,  that  particular  attack,  how- 
ever successful  before  —  became  the  most 
heartless  attack  that  could  be  made 

O!  let  woman  alone  for  this.  Mrs  Wad- 
man  had  scarce  open'd  the  wicker-gate,  when 
her  genius  sported  with  the  change  of  cir- 
cumstances. 

She  formed  a  new  attack  in  a  mo- 
ment. 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

1  am  half  distracted,  captain  Shandy, 

said  Mrs  Wadman,  holding  up  her  cambrick 
handkerchief  to  her  left  eye,  as  she  ap- 
proach'd  the  door  of  my  uncle  Toby's  sen- 
try-box  a  mote or  sand or  some- 
thing  1  know  not  what,  has  got  into 

this  eye  of  mine do  look  into  it — it  is 

not  in  the  white — 

In  saying  which,  Mrs  Wadman  edged  her- 
self close  in  beside  my  uncle  Toby,  and 
squeezing  herself  down  upon  the  corner  of 

m 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

his  bench,  she  gave  him  an  opportunity  of 

doing  it  without  rising  up Do  look  into 

it — said  she. 

Honest  soul!  thou  didst  look  into  it  with 
as  much  innocency  of  heart,  as  ever  child 
look'd  into  a  raree-shew-box ;  and  'twere  as 
much  a  sin  to  have  hurt  thee. 

If  a  man  will  be  peeping  of  his  own 

accord   into    things   of  that   nature I've 

nothing  to  say  to  it 

My  uncle  Toby  never  did:  and  I  will 
answer  for  him,  that  he  would  have  sat 
quietly  upon  a  sofa  from  June  to  January 
(which,  you  know,  takes  in  both  the  hot 
and  cold  months),  with  an  eye  as  fine  as 
the  Thracian*  Rodope's  beside  him,  with- 
out being  able  to  tell,  whether  it  was  a 
black  or  blue  one. 

The  difficulty  was  to  get  my  uncle  Toby, 
to  look  at  one  at  all. 

'Tis  surmounted.     And 

I  see  him  yonder  with  his  pipe  pendu- 
lous in  his  hand,  and  the  ashes  falling  out 
of  it — looking — and  looking — then  rubbing 


*Rodope  Thracia  tarn  inevitabili  fascino  instructs,  tarn  exacte 
oculus  intuens  attraxit,  ut  si  in  illam  quis  incidisset,  fieri  non 
posset,  quin  caperetur. 1  know  not  who. 

183 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

his  eyes — and  looking  again,  with  twice  the 
good-nature  that  ever  Gallileo  look'd  for  a 
spot  in  the  sun. 

In  vain!  for  by  all  the  powers  which 

animate  the  organ Widow  Wadmari's 

left  eye  shines  this  moment  as  lucid  as  her 

right there  is  neither  mote,  or  sand,  or 

dust,  or  chaff,  or  speck,  or  particle  of  opake 
matter  floating  in  it — There  is  nothing,  my 
dear  paternal  uncle!  but  one  lambent  deli- 
cious fire,  furtively  shooting  out  from  every 
part  of  it,  in  all  directions,  into  thine 

If  thou  lookest,  uncle  Toby,  in  search 

of  this  mote  one  moment  longer — thou  art 
undone. 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

AN  eye  is  for  all  the  world  exactly  like 
a  cannon,  in   this  respect;   That  it  is 
not  so  much  the  eye  or  the  cannon,  in 
themselves,  as  it  is  the  carriage  of  the  eye 

and    the    carriage    of    the    cannon,    by 

which  both  the  one  and  the  other  are  en- 
abled  to   do   so   much   execution.     I  don't 

183 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

think  the  comparison  a  bad  one :  However, 
as  'tis  made  and  placed  at  the  head  of  the 
chapter,  as  much  for  use  as  ornament,  all  I 
desire  in  return,  is,  that  whenever  I  speak 
of  Mrs  Wadmari's  eyes  (except  once  in  the 
next  period)  that  you  keep  it  in  your 
fancy. 

I  protest,  Madam,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  I 
can  see  nothing  whatever  in  your  eye. 

It  is  not  in  the  white;  said  Mrs  Wad- 
man:  my  uncle  Toby  look'd  with  might 
and  main  into  the  pupil 

Now  of  all  the  eyes,  which  ever  were 

created from  your  own,  Madam,  up  to 

those  of  Venus  herself,  which  certainly  were 
as  venereal  a  pair  of  eyes  as  ever  stood  hi 

a  head there  never  was  an  eye  of  them 

all,  so  fitted  to  rob  my  uncle  Toby  of  his 
repose,  as  the  very  eye,  at  which  he  was 

looking it  was  not,  Madam,  a  rolling 

eye a  romping  or  a  wanton  one — nor 

was  it  an  eye  sparkling — petulant  or  impe- 
rious— of  high  claims  and  terrifying  exac- 
tions, which  would  have  curdled  at  once 
that  milk  of  human  nature,  of  which  my 

uncle  Toby  was  made  up but  'twas  an 

eye  full  of  gentle  salutations and  soft 

184 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

responses speaking not  like  the  trum- 
pet stop  of  some  ill-made  organ,  in  which 
many  an  eye  I  talk  to,  holds  coarse  con- 
verse  but  whispering  soft like  the  last 

low  accent  of  an  expiring  saint "How 

can  you  live  comfortless,  captain  Shandy, 
and  alone,  without  a  bosom  to  lean  your 
head  on or  trust  your  cares  to?" 

It  was  an  eye 

But  I  shall  be  in  love  with  it  myself,  if 
I  say  another  word  about  it. 

It  did  my  uncle  Toby's  business. 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 


is  nothing  shews  the  character 
-        of  my  father  and  my  uncle  Toby,  in 
a  more  entertaining  light,  than  their 
different  manner  of  deportment,   under  the 
same  accident  -  for  I  call  not  love  a  mis- 
fortune,   from    a    persuasion,    that  a  man's 
heart  is  ever  the  better  for  it  -  Great  God  ! 
what    must    my    uncle     Toby's    have   been, 
when  'twas  all  benignity  without  it. 

185 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

My  father,  as  appears  from  many  of  his 
papers,  was  very  subject  to  this  passion,  be- 
fore he  married but  from  a  little  subacid 

kind  of  drollish  impatience  in  his  nature, 
whenever  it  befell  him,  he  would  never 
submit  to  it  like  a  Christian ;  but  would 
pish,  and  huff,  and  bounce,  and  kick,  and 
play  the  Devil,  and  write  the  bitterest 
Philippicks  against  the  eye  that  ever  man 
wrote there  is  one  in  verse  upon  some- 
body's eye  or  other,  that  for  two  or  three 
nights  together,  had  put  him  by  his  rest; 
which  in  his  first  transport  of  resentment 
against  it,  he  begins  thus: 

"A  Devil  'tis and  mischief  such  doth  work 

As  never  yet  did  Pagan,  Jew,  or  Turk."* 

In  short,  during  the  whole  paroxism,  my 
father  was  all  abuse  and  foul  language,  ap- 
proaching rather  towards  malediction 

only  he  did  not  do  it  with  as  much  method 

as  Ernulphus he  was  too  impetuous;  nor 

with    Ernulphus 's    policy for    tho'     my 

father,  with  the  most  intolerant  spirit, 
would  curse  both  this  and  that,  and  every 
thing  under  heaven,  which  was  either  aid- 

*This  will  be  printed  with  my  father's  Life  of  Socrates,  &c. 
&c. 

186 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ing  or  abetting  to  his  love yet  never 

concluded  his  chapter  of  curses  upon  it, 
without  cursing  himself  in  at  the  bargain, 
as  one  of  the  most  egregious  fools  and  cox- 
combs, he  would  say,  that  ever  was  let 
loose  in  the  world. 

My  uncle  Toby,  on  the  contrary,  took  it 

like  a  lamb sat  still  and  let  the  poison 

work  in  his  veins  without  resistance in 

the  sharpest  exacerbations  of  his  wound 
( like  that  on  his  groin )  he  never  dropt  one 

fretful  or  discontented  word he  blamed 

neither  heaven  nor  earth or  thought  or 

spoke  an  injurious  thing  of  any  body,  or 
any  part  of  it;  he  sat  solitary  and  pensive 

with  his  pipe looking  at  his  lame  leg 

then  whiffing  out  a  sentimental  heigh 

ho!  which  mixing  with  the  smoke,  incom- 
moded no  one  mortal. 

He  took  it  like  a  lamb 1  say. 

In  truth  he  had  mistook  it  at  first;  for 
having  taken  a  ride  with  my  father,  that 
very  morning,  to  save  if  possible  a  beautiful 
wood,  which  the  dean  and  chapter  were 
hewing  down  to  give  to  the  poor ;  *  which 

*  Mr.  Shandy  must   mean  the  poor  in  spirit;  inasmuch  as 
they  divided  the  money  amongst  themselves. 

187 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

said  wood  being  in  full  view  of  my  uncle 
Toby's  house,  and  of  singular  service  to 
him  in  his  description  of  the  battle  of 
Wynnendale — by  trotting  on  too  hastily  to 

save  it upon   an  uneasy  saddle worse 

horse,  &c.  &c.  .  .  it  had  so  happened,  that 
the  serous  part  of  the  blood  had  got  be- 
twixt the  two  skins,  in  the  nethermost  part 

of  my  uncle  Toby the  first   shootings   of 

which  (  as  my  uncle  Toby  had  no  experience 
of  love )  he  had  taken  for  a  part  of  the 
passion — till  the  blister  breaking  in  the  one 
case — and  the  other  remaining — my  uncle 
Toby  was  presently  convinced,  that  his 

wound  was  not  a  skin-deep   wound but 

that  it  had  gone  to  his  heart. 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

^  I  ^HE  world  is  ashamed  of  being  virtuous 

JL       My    uncle    Toby    knew   little   of 

the  world;  and  therefore  when  he 
felt  he  was  in  love  with  widow  Wadman, 
he  had  no  conception  that  the  thing  was 

188 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

any  more  to  be  made  a  mystery  of,  than  if 
Mrs  Wadman  had  given  him  a  cut  with  a 
gap'd  knife  across  his  finger:  Had  it  been 

otherwise yet    as    he    ever    look'd   upon 

Trim  as  a  humble  friend;  and  saw  fresh 
reasons  every  day  of  his  life,  to  treat  him 

as  such it  would  have  made  no  variation 

in  the  manner  in  which  he  informed  him 
of  the  affair. 

"I    am   in   love,     corporal! "    quoth  my 
uncle  Toby. 


CHAPTER    XXVIII. 

IN  love ! said  the  corporal — your  honour 
was  very  well  the  day  before  yesterday, 
when    I    was    telling    your   honour  the 
story   of  the   King   of   Bohemia — Bohemia ! 

said    my   uncle    Toby musing    a    long 

time What  became  of  that  story,  Trim? 

— We  lost  it,  an'  please  your  honour,  some- 
how   betwixt   us — but   your   honour   was  as 

free  from  love  then,  as  I  am 'twas,  just 

whilst    thou    went'st    off  with    the    wheel- 

189 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

barrow with    Mrs     Wadman,    quoth    my 

uncle    Toby She    has   left    a   ball   here — 

added    my    uncle      Toby — pointing     to     his 

breast 

She    can    no   more,    an'    please    your 

honour,    stand    a   siege,    than    she  can  fly — 
cried  the  corporal 


But  as  we  are  neighbours,  Trim, — 

the  best  way  I  think  is  to  let  her  know  it 
civilly  first — quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 

Now  if  I  might  presume,  said  the  corporal, 
to  differ  from  your  honour 

— Why  else  do  I  talk  to  thee,  Trim  ? 
said  my  uncle  Toby,  mildly 

— Then  I  would  begin,  an'  please  your 
honour,  with  making  a  good  thundering 
attack  upon  her,  in  return — and  telling  her 
civilly  afterwards — for  if  she  knows  anything 
of  your  honour's  being  in  love,  before  hand 

L — d  help  her! — she  knows  no  more  at 

present  of  it,  Trim,  said  my  uncle  Toby — 
than  the  child  unborn 

Precious  souls! 

Mrs  Wadman  had  told  it,  with  all  its 
circumstances,  to  Mrs  Bridget  twenty-four 
hours  before;  and  was  at  that  very  moment 
sitting  in  council  with  her,  touching  some 

190 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

slight  misgivings  with  regard  to  the  issue  of 
the  affairs,  which  the  Devil,  who  never   lies 

dead  in   a  ditch,    had   put  into  her  head 

before    he   would    allow    half  time,    to    get 

quietly  through  her  Te  Deum. 

I  am  terribly  afraid,  said  widow  Wadman, 
in  case  I  should  marry  him,  Bridget — that 
the  poor  captain  will  not  enjoy  his  health, 
with  the  monstrous  wound  upon  his  groin 


It  may  not,  Madam,  be  so  very  large, 
replied  Bridget,  as  you  think and  I  be- 
lieve besides,  added  she — that  'tis  dried  up 


1  could  like  to  know — merely  for  his 

sake,  said  Mrs  Wadman 

— We'll  know  the  long  and  the  broad  of 
it,  in  ten  days — answered  Mrs  Bridget,  for 
whilst  the  captain  is  paying  his  addresses  to 
you — I'm  confident  Mr  Trim  will  be  for 
making  love  to  me — and  I'll  let  him  as 
much  as  he  will — added  Bridget — to  get  it 
all  out  of  him 

The  measures  were  taken  at  once and 

my  uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  went  on 
with  theirs. 

Now,  quoth  the  corporal,   setting  his  left 

191 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

hand  a-kimbo,  and  giving  such  a  flourish 
with  his  right,  as  just  promised  success — and 

no    more if  your   honour   will   give   me 

leave  to  lay  down  the  plan  of  this  attack 

Thou   wilt   please   me   by   it,    Trim, 

said  my  uncle  Toby,  exceedingly — and  as  I 
foresee  thou  must  act  in  it  as  my  aid  de 
camp,  here's  a  crown,  corporal,  to  begin 
with,  to  steep  thy  commission. 

Then,  an'  please  your  honour,  said  the 
corporal  (making  a  bow  first  for  his  com- 
mission)— we  will  begin  with  getting  your 
honour's  laced  cloaths  out  of  the  great 
campaign- trunk,  to  be  well  air'd,  and  have 
the  blue  and  gold  taken  up  at  the  sleeves 
— and  I'll  put  your  white  ramallie-wig  fresh 
into  pipes — and  send  for  a  taylor,  to  have 
your  honour's  thin  scarlet  breeches  turn'd — 

I    had   better   take   the   red    plush    on( 

quoth  my  uncle   Toby They  will  be 

clumsy — said  the  corporal. 


199 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 


Thou  wilt  get  a   brush   and   a   little 

chalk    to    my    sword 'Twill   be   only   in 

your  honour's  way,  replied   Trim. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

But    your    honour's    two  razors  shall 

be  new  set — and  1  will  get  my  Montero  cap 
furbish 'd  up,  and  put  on  poor  lieutenant 
Le  Fever's  regimental  coat,  which  your 
honour  gave  me  to  wear  for  his  sake — and 
as  soon  as  your  honour  is  clean  shaved — and 
has  got  your  clean  shirt  on,  with  your  blue 

and  gold,  or  your  fine  scarlet sometimes 

one  and  sometimes  t'other — and  every  thing 
is  ready  for  the  attack — we'll  march  up 
boldly,  as  if  'twas  to  the  face  of  a  bastion; 
and  whilst  your  honour  engages  Mrs  Wad- 
man  in  the  parlour,  to  the  right I'll 

193 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

attack  Mrs  Bridget  in  the  kitchen,  to  the 
left;  and  having  seiz'd  the  pass,  I'll  answer 
for  it,  said  the  corporal,  snapping  his  fingers 
over  his  head — that  the  day  is  our  own. 

I  wish  I  may  but  manage  it  right;  said 
my  uncle  Toby — but  I  declare,  corporal,  I 
had  rather  march  up  to  the  very  edge  of  a 
trench 

— A  woman  is  quite  a  different  thing — 
said  the  corporal. 

— I  suppose  so,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

IF    any    thing    in    this    world,    which    my 
father    said,    could    have    provoked    my 
uncle  Toby,  during  the  time  he  was  in 
love,  it  was  the  perverse  use  my  father  was 
always  making  of  an  expression  of  Hilarion 
the  hermit;   who,  in  speaking  of  his   absti- 
nence, his  watchings,  flagellations,  and  other 
instrumental    parts    of    his   religion  —  would 
say — tho'  with  more  facetiousness  than  be- 
came   an    hermit — "That    they   were   the 

194 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

means  he  used,  to  make  his  ass  (meaning 
his  body)  leave  off  kicking." 

It    pleased    my   father   well;    it  was   not 

only  a  laconick  way  of  expressing but  of 

libelling,  at  the  same  time,  the  desires  and 
appetites  of  the  lower  part  of  us;  so  that 
for  many  years  of  my  father's  life,  'twas  his 
constant  mode  of  expression — he  never  used 
the  word  passions  once — but  ass  always  in- 
stead of  them So  that  he  might  be  said 

truly,  to  have  been  upon  the  bones,  or  the 
back  of  his  own  ass,  or  else  of  some  other 
man's,  during  that  time. 

I  must  here  observe  to  you  the  difference 
betwixt 

My  father's  ass 

and  my  hobby-horse — in  order  to 
keep  characters  as  separate  as  may  be,  in 
our  fancies  as  we  go  along. 

For  my  hobby-horse,  if  you  recollect  a 
little,  is  no  way  a  vicious  beast;  he  has 
scarce  one  hair  or  lineament  of  the  ass 
about  him 'Tis  the  sporting  little  filly- 
folly  which  carries  you  out  for  the  present 
hour — a  maggot,  a  butterfly,  a  picture,  a 
fiddlestick — an  uncle  Toby's  siege — or  an 
any  thing,  which  a  man  makes  a  shift  to 

195 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

get  a-stride  on,  to  canter  it  away  from  the 
cares  and  solicitudes  of  life — 'Tis  as  useful 
a  beast  as  is  in  the  whole  creation — nor  do 
I  really  see  how  the  world  could  do  with- 
out it 

But    for    my    father's    ass oh ! 

mount  him  —  mount  him  —  mount  him  — 
(that's  three  times,  is  it  not?) — mount  him 
not:  —  'tis  a  beast  concupiscent — and  foul 
befal  the  man,  who  does  not  hinder  him 
from  kicking. 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 

WELL !    dear   brother    Toby,    said    my 
father,    upon    his    first    seeing    him 
after  he  fell  in  love — and   how  goes 
it  with  your  ASSE? 

Now  my  uncle  Toby  thinking  more  of 
the  part  where  he  had  had  the  blister,  than 
of  Hilarion's  metaphor — and  our  preconcep- 
tions having  (you  know)  as  great  a  power 
over  the  sounds  of  words  as  the  shapes  of 
things,  he  had  imagined,  that  my  father, 

196 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

who  was  not  very  ceremonious  in  his  choice 
of  words,  had  enquired  after  the  part  by 
its  proper  name;  so  notwithstanding  my 
mother,  doctor  Slop,  and  Mr  Yorick,  were 
sitting  in  the  parlour,  he  thought  it  rather 
civil  to  conform  to  the  term  my  father  had 
made  use  of  than  not.  When  a  man  is 
hemm'd  in  by  two  indecorums,  and  must 
commit  one  of  'em — I  always  observe — let 
him  chuse  which  he  will,  the  world  will 
blame  him — so  I  should  not  be  astonished 
if  it  blames  my  uncle  Toby. 

My  A — e,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  is 
much  better — brother  Shandy — My  father 
had  formed  great  expectations  from  his 
Asse  in  this  onset;  and  would  have  brought 
him  on  again;  but  doctor  Slop  setting  up 
an  intemperate  laugh — and  my  mother  cry- 
ing out  L  —  bless  us ! — it  drove  my  father's 
Asse  off  the  field — and  the  laugh  then  be- 
coming general — there  was  no  bringing  him 
back  to  the  charge  for  some  time 

And  so  the  discourse  went  on  without 
him. 

Every  body,  said  my  mother,  says  you 
are  in  love,  brother  Toby, — and  we  hope  it 
is  true. 

19T 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

I  am  as  much  in  love,  sister,  I  believe, 
replied  my  uncle  Toby,  as  any  man  usually 

is Humph!  said  my  father and  when 

did  you  know  it?  quoth  my  mother 

When  the  blister  broke;  replied  my 

uncle  Toby. 

My  uncle  Toby's  reply  put  my  father 
into  good  temper — so  he  charg'd  o'  foot. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 

AS  the  ancients  agree,  brother  Toby,  said 
my  father,  that  there  are  two  different 
and  distinct  kinds  of  love,  according  to 
the  different  parts  which  are  affected  by  it — 

the  Brain  or  Liver 1  think  when  a  man 

is   in   love,  it  behoves  him  a  little  to  con- 
sider which  of  the  two  he  is  fallen  into. 

What  signifies  it,  brother  Shandy,  replied 
my  uncle  Toby,  which  of  the  two  it  is,  pro- 
vided it  will  but  make  a  man  marry,  and 
love  his  wife,  and  get  a  few  children  ? 

A  few  children!  cried  my  father,  ris- 
ing out  of  his  chair,  and  looking  full  in  my 

198 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

mother's  face,  as  he  forced  his  way  betwixt 
her's  and  doctor  Slop's  — &  few  children! 
cried  my  father,  repeating  my  uncle  Toby's 
words  as  he  walk'd  to  and  fro 

Not,  my  dear  brother  Toby,  cried 

my  father,  recovering  himself  all  at  once, 
and  coming  close  up  to  the  back  of  my 
uncle  Toby's  chair — not  that  I  should  be 
sorry  hadst  thou  a  score — on  the  contrary, 
I  should  rejoice — and  be  as  kind,  Toby,  to 
every  one  of  them  as  a  father — 

My  uncle  Toby  stole  his  hand  unperceived 
behind  his  chair,  to  give  my  father's  a 
squeeze 

Nay,  moreover,  continued  he,  keeping 

hold  of  my  uncle  Toby's  hand — so  much 
dost  thou  possess,  my  dear  Toby,  of  the 
milk  of  human  nature,  and  so  little  of  its 
asperities — 'tis  piteous  the  world  is  not 
peopled  by  creatures  which  resemble  thee; 
and  was  I  an  Asiatic  monarch,  added  my 
father,  heating  himself  with  his  new  project 
— I  would  oblige  thee,  provided  it  would 
not  impair  thy  strength — or  dry  up  thy 
radical  moisture  too  fast — or  weaken  thy 
memory  or  fancy,  brother  Toby,  which  these 
gymnics  inordinately  taken  are  apt  to  do — 

199 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

else,  dear  Toby,  I  would  procure  thee  the 
most  beautiful  women  in  my  empire,  and  I 
would  oblige  thee,  nolens,  volens,  to  beget 
for  me  one  subject  every  month 

As  my  father  pronounced  the  last  word 
of  the  sentence — my  mother  took  a  pinch 
of  snuff. 

Now  I  would  not,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 
get  a  child,  nolens,  volens,  that  is,  whether 
I  would  or  no,  to  please  the  greatest  prince 
upon  earth 

And  'twould  be  cruel  in  me,  brother 

Toby,  to  compel  thee;  said  my  father — but 
'tis  a  case  put  to  shew  thee,  that  it  is  not 
thy  begetting  a  child — in  case  thou  should'st 
be  able — but  the  system  of  Love  and  Mar- 
riage thou  goest  upon,  which  I  would  set 
thee  right  in 

There  is  at  least,  said  Yorick,  a  great  deal 
of  reason  and  plain  sense  in  captain  Shandy's 
opinion  of  love;  and  'tis  amongst  the  ill- 
spent  hours  of  my  life,  which  I  have  to 
answer  for,  that  I  have  read  so  many 
flourishing  poets  and  rhetoricians  in  my 
time,  from  whom  I  never  could  extract  so 
much 

I  wish,    Yorick,  said  my  father,  you  had 

§00 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

read  Plato;  for  there  you  would  have  learnt 
that  there  are  two  LOVES — I  know  there 
were  two  RELIGIONS,  replied  Y&rick,  amongst 

the  ancients one — for  the  vulgar,  and 

another  for  the  learned; — but  I  think  ONE 
LOVE  might  have  served  both  of  them  very 
well — 

It  could  not;  replied  my  father — and  for 
the  same  reasons :  for  of  these  Loves,  accord- 
ing to  Fidnus^s  comment  upon  Velasius, 
the  one  is  rational 

the  other  is  natural 


the  first  ancient without  mother 

where  Venus  had  nothing  to  do :  the  second, 
begotten  of  Jupiter  and  Dione — 

Pray,  brother,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby, 

what  has  a  man  who  believes  in  God  to  do 
with  this?  My  father  could  not  stop  to 
answer,  for  fear  of  breaking  the  thread  of 
his  discourse 

This  latter,  continued  he,  partakes  wholly 
of  the  nature  of  Venus. 

The  first,  which  is  the  golden  chain  let 
down  from  heaven,  excites  to  love  heroic, 
which  comprehends  in  it,  and  excites  to  the 

desire  of  philosophy  and  truth the  second, 

excites  to  desire,  simply 

901 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

1  think  the  procreation  of  children  as 

beneficial  to  the  world,  said    Yorick,   as   the 
finding  out  the  longitude 

To    be    sure,    said    my   mother,    love 

keeps  peace  in  the  world 

In  the  house — my  dear,  I  own — 

-It    replenishes    the    earth;    said    my 


mother- 
But  it  keeps  heaven  empty — my  dear;  re- 
plied my  father. 

'Tis  Virginity,  cried  Slop,  triumphant- 
ly, which  fills  paradise. 

Well  push'd  nun!   quoth  my  father. 


CHAPTER    XXXIV. 

MY  father  had  such  a  skirmishing,  cut- 
ting  kind    of   a    slashing    way   with 
him    in    his    disputations,    thrusting 
and  ripping,  and  giving  every  one  a  stroke 
to  remember  him   by  in  his  turn — that  if 
there  were  twenty  people  in  company — in 
less  than  half  an  hour  he  was  sure  to  have 
every  one  of  'em  against  him. 

202 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

What  did  not  a  little  contribute  to  leave 
him  thus  without  an  ally,  was,  that  if  there 
was  any  one  post  more  untenable  than  the 
rest,  he  would  be  sure  to  throw  himself 
into  it;  and  to  do  him  justice,  when  he 
was  once  there,  he  would  defend  it  so  gal- 

^9 

lantly,  that  'twould  have  been  a  concern, 
either  to  a  brave  man  or  a  good-natured 
one,  to  have  seen  him  driven  out. 

Yorick,  for  this  reason,  though  he  would 
often  attack  him — yet  could  never  bear  to 
do  it  with  all  his  force. 

Doctor  Slop's  VIRGINITY,  hi  the  close  of 
the  last  chapter,  had  got  him  for  once  on 
the  right  side  of  the  rampart;  and  he  was 
beginning  to  blow  up  all  the  convents  in 
Christendom  about  Slop's  ears,  when  cor- 
poral Trim  came  into  the  parlour  to  in- 
form my  uncle  Toby,  that  his  thin  scarlet 
breeches,  in  which  the  attack  was  to  be 
made  upon  Mrs  Wadman,  would  not  do; 
for,  that  the  taylor,  in  ripping  them  up,  in 
order  to  turn  them,  had  found  they  had 

been  turn'd  before Then  turn  them 

again,  brother,  said  my  father  rapidly,  for 
there  will  be  many  a  turning  of  'em  yet 
before  all's  done  in  the  affair They  are 

903 


"THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

as  rotten  as  dirt,  said  the  corporal Then 

by   all    means,   said    my   father,   bespeak    a 

new    pair,   brother for   though    I    know, 

continued  my  father,  turning  himself  to  the 
company,  that  widow  Wadman  has  been 
deeply  in  love  with  my  brother  Toby  for 
many  years,  and  has  used  every  art  and 
circumvention  of  woman  to  outwit  him  into 
the  same  passion,  yet  now  that  she  has 

caught  him her  fever  will   be   pass'd  its 

height 


-She  has  gain'd  her  point. 


In  this  case,  continued  my  father,  which 
Plato,  I  am  persuaded,  never  thought  of 
Love,  you  see,  is  not  so  much  a  SEN- 
TIMENT as  a  SITUATION,  into  which  a  man 
enters,  as  my  brother  Toby  would  do,  into 

a  corps no  matter  whether  he  loves  the 

service  or  no being  once  in  it — he  acts 

as  if  he  did;  and  takes  every  step  to  shew 
himself  a  man  of  prowesse. 

The  hypothesis,  like  the  rest  of  my 
father's,  was  plausible  enough,  and  my 
uncle  Toby  had  but  a  single  word  to 
object  to  it — in  which  Trim  stood  ready 

to  second  him but  my  father  had  not 

drawn  his  conclusion 

204 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

For  this  reason,  continued  my  father 
(stating  the  case  over  again)  —  notwith- 
standing all  the  world  knows,  that  Mrs 
Wadman  affects  my  brother  Toby — and  my 
brother  Toby  contrariwise  affects  Mrs  Wad- 
man,  and  no  obstacle  in  nature  to  forbid 
the  music  striking  up  this  very  night,  yet 
will  I  answer  for  it,  that  this  self-same  tune 
will  not  be  play'd  this  twelvemonth. 

We  have  taken  our  measures  badly,  quoth 
my  uncle  Toby,  looking  up  interrogatively  in 
Trim's  face. 

I  would  lay  my  Montero-cap,  said  Trim 

Now  Trim's  Montero-cap,  as  I  once  told 

you,  was  his  constant  wager ;  and  having  fur- 
bish'd  it  up  that  very  night,  in  order  to  go 
upon  the  attack — it  made  the  odds  look 

more  considerable 1  would  lay,  an'  please 

your  honour,  my  Montero-cap  to  a  shilling 
— was  it  proper,  continued  Trim  (making  a 
bow),  to  offer  a  wager  before  your  hon- 
ours  

There  is  nothing  improper  in  it,  said 

my  father — 'tis  a  mode  of  expression;  for 
in  saying  thou  would'st  lay  thy  Montero- 
cap  to  a  shilling — all  thou  meanest  is  this — 
that  thou  believest 

205 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Now,  What  do'st  thou  believe? 

That  widow  Wadman,  an'  please  your 
worship,  cannot  hold  it  out  ten  days 

And  whence,  cried  Slop,  jeeringly,  hast 
thou  all  this  knowledge  of  woman,  friend  ? 

By  falling  in  love  with  a  popish  clergy- 
woman;  said  Trim. 

'Twas  a  Beguine,  said  my  uncle  Toby. 

Doctor  Slop  was  too  much  hi  wrath  to 
listen  to  the  distinction;  and  my  father 
taking  that  very  crisis  to  fall  in  helter- 
skelter  upon  the  whole  order  of  Nuns  and 

Beguines,  a  set  of  silly,  fusty,  baggages 

Slop  could  not  stand  it and  my  uncle 

Toby  having  some  measures  to  take  about 
his  breeches — and  Yorick  about  his  fourth 
general  division — in  order  for  their  several 
attacks  next  day — the  company  broke  up: 
and  my  father  being  left  alone,  and  having 
half  an  hour  upon  his  hands  betwixt  that 
and  bed- time ;  he  called  for  pen,  ink,  and 
paper,  and  wrote  my  uncle  Toby  the  follow- 
big  letter  of  instructions: 


206 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


MY     DEAR    BROTHER    Toby, 

WHAT  I  am  going  to  say  to  thee  is, 
upon   the   nature  of  women,   and  of 
love-making  to  them;  and  perhaps  it 
is  as  well  for  thee — tho'  not  so  well  for  me 
— that  thou  hast  occasion  for  a  letter  of  in- 
structions  upon  that  head,   and  that   I   am 
able  to  write  it  to  thee. 

Had  it  been  the  good  pleasure  of  him 
who  disposes  of  our  lots — and  thou  no  suf- 
ferer by  the  knowledge,  I  had  been  well 
content  that  thou  should 'st  have  dipp'd  the 
pen  this  moment  into  the  ink,  instead  of 

myself;  but  that  not  being  the  case 

Mrs    Shandy   being    now    close    beside    me, 
preparing    for    bed 1    have    thrown    to- 
gether without  order,  and  just  as  they  have 
come  into   my  mind,  such  hints  and  docu- 
ments as  I  deem   may  be  of  use  to  thee; 
intending,  in  this,  to  give  thee  a  token  of 
my  love;    not  doubting,   my  dear   Toby,  of 
the  manner  in  which  it  will  be  accepted. 
In    the    first    place,    with    regard    to    all 

which    concerns    religion    in    the    affair 

though    I    perceive    from    a    glow    in    my 

207 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

cheek,  that  I  blush  as  I  begin  to  speak 
to  thee  upon  the  subject,  as  well  knowing, 
notwithstanding  thy  unaffected  secrecy,  how 
few  of  its  offices  thou  neglectest — yet  I 
would  remind  thee  of  one  (during  the  con- 
tinuance of  thy  courtship)  in  a  particular 
manner,  which  I  would  not  have  omitted; 
and  that  is,  never  to  go  forth  upon  the 
enterprize,  whether  it  be  in  the  morning  or 
the  afternoon,  without  first  recommending 
thyself  to  the  protection  of  Almighty  God, 
that  he  may  defend  thee  from  the  evil 
one. 

Shave  the  whole  top  of  thy  crown  clean, 
once  at  least  every  four  or  five  days,  but 
oftner  if  convenient;  lest  in  taking  off  thy 
wig  before  her,  thro'  absence  of  mind,  she 
should  be  able  to  discover  how  much  has 

been  cut  away  by  Time how  much  by 

Trim. 

— 'Twere  better  to  keep  ideas  of  baldness 
out  of  her  fancy. 

Always  carry  it  hi  thy  mind,  and  act 
upon  it  as  a  sure  maxim,  Toby 

"That  women  are  timid:'9  And  'tis  well 

they  are else  there  would  be  no  dealing 

with  them. 

208 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Let  not  thy  breeches  be  too  tight,  or 
hang  too  loose  about  thy  thighs,  like  the 
trunk-hose  of  our  ancestors. 

A  just  medium  prevents  all  conclu- 
sions. 

Whatever  thou  hast  to  say,  be  it  more 
or  less,  forget  not  to  utter  it  in  a  low  soft 
tone  of  voice.  Silence,  and  whatever  ap- 
proaches it,  weaves  dreams  of  midnight 
secrecy  into  the  brain:  For  this  cause,  if 
thou  canst  help  it,  never  throw  down  the 
tongs  and  poker. 

Avoid  all  kinds  of  pleasantry  and  face- 
tiousness  in  thy  discourse  with  her,  and  do 
whatever  lies  in  thy  power  at  the  same 
time,  to  keep  from  her  all  books  and  writ- 
ings which  tend  thereto :  there  are  some 
devotional  tracts,  which  if  thou  canst  entice 
her  to  read  over — it  will  be  well:  but  suffer 
her  not  to  look  into  Rabelais,  or  Scarron, 
or  Don  Quixote 

They    are    all    books    which    excite 

laughter;    and    thou    knowest,    dear    Toby, 
that  there  is  no  passion  so  serious  as  lust. 

Stick  a  pin  in  the  bosom  of  thy  shirt, 
before  thou  enterest  her  parlour. 

And   if   thou   art    permitted  to  sit  upon 

209 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

the  same  sopha  with  her,  and  she  gives 
thee  occasion  to  lay  thy  hand  upon  hers — 

beware  of  taking  it thou  canst  not  lay 

thy  hand  on  hers,  but  she  will  feel  the 
temper  of  thine.  Leave  that  and  as  many 
other  things  as  thou  canst,  quite  undeter- 
mined ;  by  so  doing,  thou  wilt  have  her 
curiosity  on  thy  side;  and  if  she  is  not 
conquered  by  that,  and  thy  ASSE  continues 
still  kicking,  which  there  is  great  reason  to 
suppose Thou  must  begin,  with  first  los- 
ing a  few  ounces  of  blood  below  the  ears, 
according  to  the  practice  of  the  ancient 
Scythians,  who  cured  the  most  intemperate 
fits  of  the  appetite  by  that  means. 

Avicenna,  after  this,  is  for  having  the 
part  anointed  with  the  syrup  of  hellebore, 

using  proper  evacuations  and  purges and 

I  believe  rightly.  But  thou  must  eat  little 

or  no  goat's  flesh,  nor  red  deer nor  even 

foal's  flesh  by  any  means;  and  carefully 

abstain that  is,  as  much  as  thou  canst, 

from  peacocks,  cranes,  coots,  didappers,  and 
water-hens 

As  for  thy  drink — I  need  not  tell  thee, 
it  must  be  the  infusion  of  VERVAIN,  and 
the  herb  HANEA,  of  which  ^Elian  relates 

210 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

such  effects — but  if  thy  stomach  palls  with 
it — discontinue  it  from  time  to  time,  taking 
cucumbers,  melons,  purslane,  water-lillies, 
wood -bine,  and  lettice,  in  the  stead  of 
them. 

There  is  nothing  further  for  thee,  which 
occurs  to  me  at  present 

Unless  the  breaking  out  of  a  fresh 

war So  wishing  every  thing,  dear  Toby, 

for  the  best, 

I  rest  thy  affectionate  brother, 

WALTER  SHANDY. 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

WHILST    my   father    was    writing    his 
letter  of  instructions,  my  uncle  Toby 
and  the  corporal  were  busy  in  pre- 
paring every  thing  for  the  attack.     As  the 
turning  of  the  thin  scarlet  breeches  was  laid 
aside  (at   least   for  the   present),   there   was 
nothing  which  should  put  it  off  beyond  the 
next  morning;  so  accordingly  it  was  resolv'd 
upon,  for  eleven  o'clock. 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

Come,  my  dear,  said  my  father  to  my 
mother — 'twill  be  but  like  a  brother  and 
sister,  if  you  and  I  take  a  walk  down  to 

my  brother  Toby's to  countenance  him 

in  this  attack  of  his. 

My  uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  had 
been  accoutred  both  some  time,  when  my 
father  and  mother  enter 'd,  and  the  clock 
striking  eleven,  were  that  moment  in  mo- 
tion to  sally  forth  —  but  the  account  of 
this  is  worth  more  than  to  be  wove  into 
the  fag  end  of  the  eighth*  volume  of  such 

a  work  as  this. My  father  had  no  time 

but  to  put  the  letter  of  instructions  into 

my  uncle  Toby's  coat-pocket and  join 

with  my  mother  in  wishing  his  attack  pros- 
perous. 

I  could  like,  said  my  mother,  to  look 

through  the  key-hole  out  of  curiosity 

Call  it  by  its  right  name,  my  dear,  quoth 
my  father — 

And  look  through  the  key-hole  as  long  as 
you  wilL 


*  Alluding  to  the  first  edition. 
fit 


THE 

LIFE    AND    OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM    SHANDY, 

GENTLEMAN. 


8i  quid  urbaniutcule  luswn  a  nobly,  per  Musas  et  Charitat  et 
omnium  poetarum  Numina,  Oro  te,  ne  me  maU  capias. 


A   DEDICATION 


TO 


A  GREAT  MAN. 

HAVING,  a  priori,  intended  to  dedicate 
The  Amours   of  my  Uncle  Toby  to 

Mr  *** 1  see  more  reasons,  a 

posteriori,  for  doing  it  to  Lord  *******. 

I  should  lament  from  my  soul,  if  this 
exposed  me  to  the  jealousy  of  their  Rever- 
ences; because  a  posteriori,  in  Court-latin, 
signifies  the  kissing  hands  for  preferment — 
or  any  thing  else — in  order  to  get  it 

My  opinion  of  Lord  *******  is  neither 
better  nor  worse,  than  it  was  of  Mr  *  *  *. 
Honours,  like  impressions  upon  coin,  may 
give  an  ideal  and  local  value  to  a  bit  of 
base  metal;  but  Gold  and  Silver  will  pass 
all  the  world  over  without  any  other  recom- 
mendation than  their  own  weight. 

817 


DEDICATION 

The  same  good-will  that  made  me  think 
of  offering  up  half  an  hour's  amusement  to 
Mr  *  *  *  when  out  of  place — operates  more 
forcibly  at  present,  as  half  an  hour's  amuse- 
ment will  be  more  serviceable  and  refresh- 
ing after  labour  and  sorrow,  than  after  a 
philosophical  repast. 

Nothing  is  so  perfectly  amusement  as  a 
total  change  of  ideas;  no  ideas  are  so  to- 
tally different  as  those  of  Ministers,  and 
innocent  Lovers:  for  which  reason,  when  I 
come  to  talk  of  Statesmen  and  Patriots, 
and  set  such  marks  upon  them  as  will 
prevent  confusion  and  mistakes  concerning 
them  for  the  future — I  propose  to  dedicate 
that  Volume  to  some  gentle  Shepherd, 

Whose  thoughts  proud  Science  never  taught  to  stray, 

Far  as  the  Statesman's  walk  or  Patriot-way; 

Yet  simple  Nature  to  his  hopes  had  given 

Out  of  a  cloud-capp'd  head  a  humbler  heaven; 

Some  untam'd  World  in  depths  of  wood  embraced — 

Some  happier  Island  in  the  watry-waste — 

And  where  admitted  to  that  equal  sky, 

His  faithful  Dog  should  bear  him  company. 

In  a  word,  by  thus  introducing  an  entire 
new  set  of  objects  to  his  Imagination,  I 

£18 


DEDICATION 

shall  unavoidably  give  a  Diversion  to  his 
passionate  and  love- sick  Contemplations. 
In  the  mean  time, 

I  am 

THE  AUTHOR. 


919 


THE 

LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

OF 

TRISTRAM   SHANDY,  GENT. 
BOOK  IX. 

CHAPTER  I. 

1CALL    all    the    powers    of   time    and 
chance,  which    severally  check    us    in 
our    careers    in    this    world,   to    bear 
me   witness,   that    I    could    never    yet    get 
fairly  to  my  uncle  Toby's  amours,  till  this 
very  moment,   that   my  mother's  curiosity, 

as   she   stated   the   affair, or   a   different 

impulse   in   her,   as   my  father  would   have 

it wished  her  to  take  a  peep  at  them 

through  the  key-hole. 

Ml 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

"Call  it,  my  dear,  by  its  right  name, 
quoth  my  father,  and  look  through  the 
key-hole  as  long  as  you  will." 

Nothing  but  the  fermentation  of  that 
little  subacid  humour,  which  I  have  often 
spoken  of,  in  my  father's  habit,  could  have 
vented  such  an  insinuation he  was  how- 
ever frank  and  generous  in  his  nature,  and 
at  all  times  open  to  conviction;  so  that 
he  had  scarce  got  to  the  last  word  of  this 
ungracious  retort,  when  his  conscience  smote 
him. 

My  mother  was  then  conjugally  swinging 
with  her  left  arm  twisted  under  his  right, 
in  such  wise,  that  the  inside  of  her  hand 
rested  upon  the  back  of  his — she  raised  her 
fingers,  and  let  them  fall — it  could  scarce 

be    call'd    a   tap ;    or   if   it    was    a   tap 

'twould  have  puzzled  a  casuist  to  say, 
whether  'twas  a  tap  of  remonstrance,  or  a 
tap  of  confession:  my  father,  who  was  all 
sensibilities  from  head  to  foot,  class' d  it 
right — Conscience  redoubled  her  blow — he 
turn'd  his  face  suddenly  the  other  way,  and 
my  mother  supposing  his  body  was  about 
to  turn  with  it  in  order  to  move  home- 
wards, by  a  cross  movement  of  her  right 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

leg,  keeping  her  left  as  its  centre,  brought 
herself  so  far  in  front,  that  as  he  turned 

his   head,   he   met   her   eye Confusion 

again!  he  saw  a  thousand  reasons  to  wipe 
out  the  reproach,  and  as  many  to  reproach 

himself a  thin,  blue,  chill,  pellucid  chrys- 

tal  with  all  its  humours  so  at  rest,  the  least 
mote  or  speck  of  desire  might  have  been 
seen,  at  the  bottom  of  it,  had  it  existed 

it  did  not and  how  I  happen  to  be 

so  lewd   myself,   particularly  a  little  before 

the    vernal     and     autumnal    equinoxes 

Heaven    above    knows My    mother 

madam was    so   at   no   time,   either   by 

nature,  by   institution,  or  example. 

A  temperate  current  of  blood  ran  orderly 
through  her  veins  in  all  months  of  the  year, 
and  in  all  critical  moments  both  of  the  day 
and  night  alike;  nor  did  she  superinduce 
the  least  heat  into  her  humours  from  the 
manual  effervescencies  of  devotional  tracts, 
which  having  little  or  no  meaning  in  them, 

nature  is  oft-times  obliged  to  find  one 

And  as  for  my  father's  example!  'twas  so 
far  from  being  either  aiding  or  abetting 
thereunto,  that  'twas  the  whole  business  of 
his  life  to  keep  all  fancies  of  that  kind  out 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  her  head Nature  had  done  her  part, 

to  have  spared  him  this  trouble;  and  what 
was  not  a  little  inconsistent,  my  father 

knew    it And    here    am    I    sitting,   this 

12th  day  of  August,  1766,  in  a  purple 
jerkin  and  yellow  pair  of  slippers,  without 
either  wig  or  cap  on,  a  most  tragicomical 
completion  of  his  prediction,  "That  I  should 
neither  think,  nor  act  like  any  other  man's 
child,  upon  that  very  account." 

The  mistake  in  my  father,  was  in  attack- 
ing my  mother's  motive,  instead  of  the  act 
itself;  for  certainly  key-holes  were  made  for 
other  purposes;  and  considering  the  act,  as 
an  act  which  interfered  with  a  true  propo- 
sition, and  denied  a  key-hole  to  be  what  it 

was it  became  a  violation  of   nature; 

and  was  so  far,  you  see,  criminal. 

It  is  for  this  reason,  an'  please  your 
Reverences,  That  key-holes  are  the  occa- 
sions of  more  sin  and  wickedness,  than  all 
other  holes  hi  this  world  put  together. 

which  leads  me  to  my  uncle  Toby's 

amours. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER   II. 

THOUGH  the  corporal  had  been  as 
good  as  his  word  in  putting  my 
uncle  Toby's  great  ramallie-wig  into 
pipes,  yet  the  time  was  too  short  to  pro- 
duce any  great  effects  from  it:  it  had  lain 
many  years  squeezed  up  in  the  corner  of 
his  old  campaign  trunk;  and  as  bad  forms 
are  not  so  easy  to  be  got  the  better  of, 
and  the  use  of  candle-ends  not  so  well 
understood,  it  was  not  so  pliable  a  busi- 
ness as  one  would  have  wished.  The  cor- 
poral with  cheary  eye  and  both  arms  ex- 
tended, had  fallen  back  perpendicular  from 
it  a  score  times,  to  inspire  it,  if  possible, 

with  a  better   ah* had   SPLEEN   given   a 

look  at  it,  'twould  have  cost  her  ladyship 

a  smile it  curl'd  every  where  but  where 

the  corporal  would  have  it;  and  where  a 
buckle  or  two,  in  his  opinion,  would  have 
done  it  honour,  he  could  as  soon  have 
raised  the  dead. 

Such  it  was or  rather  such  would  it  have 

996 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

seem'd  upon  any  other  brow;  but  the  sweet 
look  of  goodness  which  sat  upon  my  uncle 
Toby's,  assimilated  every  thing  around  it  so 
sovereignly  to  itself,  and  Nature  had  more- 
over wrote  GENTLEMAN  with  so  fair  a  hand 
in  every  line  of  his  countenance,  that  even 
his  tarnish' d  gold-laced  hat  and  huge  cock- 
ade of  flimsy  taffeta  became  him;  and 
though  not  worth  a  button  hi  themselves, 
yet  the  moment  my  uncle  Toby  put  them 
on,  they  became  serious  objects,  and  alto- 
gether seem'd  to  have  been  picked  up  by 
the  hand  of  Science  to  set  him  off  to  ad- 
vantage. 

Nothing    in    this    world    could    have    co- 
operated more  powerfully  towards  this,  than 

my  uncle  Toby's  blue  and  gold had  not 

Quantity  in  some  measure  been  necessary  to 
Grace:  in  a  period  of  fifteen  or  sixteen 
years  since  they  had  been  made,  by  a  total 
inactivity  in  my  uncle  Toby's  life,  for  he 
seldom  went  further  than  the  bowling- 
green — his  blue  and  gold  had  become  so 
miserably  too  strait  for  him,  that  it  was 
with  the  utmost  difficulty  the  corporal  was 
able  to  get  him  into  them:  the  taking 
them  up  at  the  sleeves,  was  of  no  advan- 
226 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

tage. They  were    laced   however   down 

the  back,  and  at  the  seams  of  the  sides, 
&c.  in  the  mode  of  King  William's  reign; 
and  to  shorten  all  description,  they  shone 
so  bright  against  the  sun  that  morning, 
and  had  so  metallick,  and  doughty  an  air  with 
them,  that  had  my  uncle  Toby  thought  of 
attacking  in  armour,  nothing  could  have  so 
well  imposed  upon  his  imagination. 

As  for  the  thin  scarlet  breeches,  they 
had  been  unripp'd  by  the  taylor  between 
the  legs,  and  left  at  sixes  and  sevens 

Yes,    Madam, but  let  us  govern 

our  fancies.  It  is  enough  they  were  held 
impracticable  the  night  before,  and  as 
there  was  no  alternative  in  my  uncle 
Toby's  wardrobe,  he  sallied  forth  in  the 
red  plush. 

The  corporal  had  array  'd  himself  hi  poor 
Le  Fever's  regimental  coat;  and  with  his 
hair  tuck'd  up  under  his  Montero-ca,p, 
which  he  had  furbish  'd  up  for  the  occa- 
sion, march' d  three  paces  distant  from  his 
master :  a  whiff  of  military  pride  had  pufFd 
out  his  shirt  at  the  wrist;  and  upon  that, 
in  a  black  leather  thong  clipp'd  into  a 
tassel  beyond  the  knot,  hung  the  corporal's 

227 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

stick My  uncle    Toby  carried    his    cane 

like  a  pike. 

It    looks    well    at    least;    quoth    my 

father  to  himself. 


CHAPTER   III. 

MY  uncle    Toby  turn'd   his  head  more 
than  once  behind  him,  to  see  how 
he  was  supported   by  the   corporal; 
and  the  corporal  as  oft  as  he  did  it,  gave 
a    slight   flourish    with   his    stick  —  but   not 
vapouringly;    and  with  the  sweetest  accent 
of  most  respectful  encouragement,    bid    his 
honour    "never  fear." 

Now  my  uncle  Toby  did  fear;  and  griev- 
ously too:  he  knew  not  (as  my  father  had 
reproach'd  him)  so  much  as  the  right  end 
of  a  Woman  from  the  wrong,  and  there- 
fore was  never  altogether  at  his  ease  near 

any  one   of   them unless   in   sorrow   or 

distress;  then  infinite  was  his  pity;  nor 
would  the  most  courteous  knight  of  ro- 
mance have  gone  further,  at  least  upon  one 
leg,  to  have  wiped  away  a  tear  from  a  wo- 
man's eye;  and  yet  excepting  once  that  he 

228 


OF  TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

was  beguiled  into  it  by  Mrs  Wadman,  he 
had  never  looked  stedfastly  into  one;  and 
would  often  tell  my  father  hi  the  sim- 
plicity of  his  heart,  that  it  was  almost  (if 

not  about)  as  bad  as  talking  bawdy. 

And  suppose  it  is?  my  father  would 

say. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

SHE  cannot,  quoth  my  uncle  Toby,  halting, 
when  they  had  march 'd  up  to  within 
twenty  paces  of  Mrs  Wadmari's  door — 
she  cannot,  corporal,  take  it  amiss. 

She  will  take  it,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal,  just  as  the  Jew's  widow 
at  Lisbon  took  it  of  my  brother  Tom. 

And  how  was  that?  quoth  my  uncle 

Toby,  facing  quite  about  to  the  corporal. 

Your  honour,  replied  the  corporal,  knows 
of  Tom's  misfortunes;  but  this  affair  has 
nothing  to  do  with  them  any  further  than 
this,  That  if  Tom  had  not  married  the 

widow or  had  it  pleased  God  after  their 

marriage,  that  they  had  but  put  pork  into 
their  sausages,  the  honest  soul  had  never 

939 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

been  taken  out  of  his  warm  bed,  and 

dragg'd  to  the  inquisition 'Tis  a  cursed 

place — added  the  corporal,  shaking  his  head, 
— when  once  a  poor  creature  is  in,  he  is  in, 
an'  please  your  honour,  for  ever. 

'Tis  very  true ;  said  my  uncle  Toby  looking 
gravely  at  Mrs  Wadman's  house,  as  he  spoke. 

Nothing,  continued  the  corporal,  can  be 
so  sad  as  confinement  for  life — or  so  sweet, 
an'  please  your  honour,  as  liberty. 

Nothing,  Trim said  my  uncle  Toby, 

musing 

Whilst  a  man  is  free — cried  the  corporal, 
giving  a  flourish  with  his  stick  thus 


230 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

A  thousand  of  my  father's  most  subtle 
syllogisms  could  not  have  said  more  for 
celibacy. 

My  uncle  Toby  look'd  earnestly  towards 
his  cottage  and  his  bowling-green. 

The  corporal  had  unwarily  conjured  up 
the  Spirit  of  calculation  with  his  wand; 
and  he  had  nothing  to  do,  but  to  conjure 
him  down  again  with  his  story,  and  in  this 
form  of  Exorcism,  most  un-ecclesiastically 
did  the  coporal  do  it. 


CHAPTER  V. 

AS   Tom's  place,  an'  please  your  honour, 
was  easy — and  the  weather  warm — it 
put  him    upon   thinking   seriously  of 
settling  himself  in  the  world;   and  as  it  fell 
out  about  that  time,  that  a  Jew  who  kept 
a  sausage  shop  in  the  same  street,  had  the 
ill  luck  to  die  of  a  strangury,  and  leave  his 
widow   in    possession   of   a   rousing   trade — 
Tom  thought  (as  every  body  in  Lisbon  was 
doing  the  best  he  could  devise  for  himself) 

231 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

there  could  be  no  harm  in  offering  her  his 
service  to  carry  it  on:  so  without  any  intro- 
duction to  the  widow,  except  that  of  buy- 
ing a  pound  of  sausages  at  her  shop — Tom 
set  out  —  counting  the  matter  thus  within 
himself,  as  he  walk'd  along;  that  let  the 
worst  come  of  it  that  could,  he  should 
at  least  get  a  pound  of  sausages  for  their 
worth — but,  if  things  went  well,  he  should 
be  set  up;  inasmuch  as  he  should  get  not 
only  a  pound  of  sausages — but  a  wife,  and 
a  sausage  shop,  an'  please  your  honour,  into 
the  bargain. 

Every  servant  in  the  family,  from  high  to 
low,  wish'd  Tom  success;  and  I  can  fancy, 
an'  please  your  honour,  I  see  him  this  mo- 
ment with  his  white  dimity  waistcoat  and 
breeches,  and  hat  a  little  o'  one  side,  pass- 
ing jollily  along  the  street,  swinging  his 
stick,  with  a  smile  and  a  chearful  word  for 

every  body  he  met : But  alas  !  Tom ! 

thou  smilest  no  more,  cried  the  corporal, 
looking  on  one  side  of  him  upon  the 
ground,  as  if  he  apostrophised  him  in  his 
dungeon. 

Poor  fellow!  said  my  uncle  Toby,  feel- 
ingly. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

He  was  an  honest,  light-hearted  lad, 
an'  please  your  honour,  as  ever  blood 
warm'd 

Then  he  resembled  thee,   Trim,  said 

my  uncle  Toby,  rapidly. 

The  corporal  blush'd  down  to  his  fingers' 
ends  —  a  tear  of  sentimental  bashfulness — 
another  of  gratitude  to  my  uncle  Toby — 
and  a  tear  of  sorrow  for  his  brother's  mis- 
fortunes, started  into  his  eye,  and  ran 
sweetly  down  his  cheek  together;  my  uncle 
Toby's  kindled  as  one  lamp  does  at  another; 
and  taking  hold  of  the  breast  of  Trim's 
coat  (which  had  been  that  of  Le  Fever's), 
as  if  to  ease  his  lame  leg,  but  in  reality 

to  gratify  a  finer  feeling he  stood  silent 

for  a  minute  and  a  half;  at  the  end  of 
which  he  took  his  hand  away,  and  the 
corporal  making  a  bow,  went  on  with  his 
story  of  his  brother  and  the  Jew's  widow. 


233 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER   VI. 

WHEN    Tom,   an'  please   your  honour, 
got  to  the  shop,  there  was  nobody 
in  it,  but  a  poor  negro  girl,  with  a 
bunch  of  white  feathers  slightly  tied  to  the 
end  of  a  long  cane,  flapping  away  flies — not 

killing  them. 'Tis  a  pretty  picture!  said 

my  uncle   Toby — she   had   suffered   persecu- 
tion,   Trim,  and  had  learnt  mercy 

She  was  good,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, from  nature,  as  well  as  from  hardships; 
and  there  are  circumstances  in  the  story  of 
that  poor  friendless  slut,  that  would  melt  a 
heart  of  stone,  said  Trim;  and  some  dismal 
winter's  evening,  when  your  honour  is  in 
the  humour,  they  shall  be  told  you  with 
the  rest  of  Tom's  story,  for  it  makes  a 
part  of  it 

Then  do  not  forget,  Trim,  said  my  uncle 
Toby. 

A  negro  has  a  soul  ?  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, said  the  corporal  (doubtingly). 

I  am  not  much  versed,  corporal,  quoth 
my  uncle  Toby,  in  things  of  that  kind;  but 

234 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I  suppose,  God  would  not  leave  him  with- 
out one,  any  more  than  thee  or  me 

It  would  be  putting  one  sadly  over 

the  head  of  another,  quoth  the  corporal. 

It  would  so;  said  my  uncle  Toby.  Why 
then,  an'  please  your  honour,  is  a  black 
wench  to  be  used  worse  than  a  white 
one  ? 

I  can  give  no  reason,  said  my  uncle 
Toby 

Only,  cried  the  corporal,  shaking  his 

head,  because  she  has  no  one  to  stand  up 
for  her 

'Tis  that  very  thing,  Trim,  quoth 

my  uncle  Toby, which  recommends  her 

to  protection and  her  brethren  with  her; 

'tis  the  fortune  of  war  which  has  put  the 

whip  into  our  hands  now where  it  may 

be  hereafter,  heaven  knows  ! but  be  it 

where  it  will,  the  brave,  Trim!  will  not  use 
it  unkindly. 

God  forbid,  said  the  corporal. 

Amen,  responded  my  uncle  Toby,  laying 
his  hand  upon  his  heart. 

The  corporal  returned  to  his  story,  and 

went  on but  with  an  embarrassment  in 

doing  it,  which  here  and  there  a  reader  in 

235 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

this  world  will  not  be  able  to  comprehend; 
for  by  the  many  sudden  transitions  all 
along,  from  one  kind  and  cordial  passion 
to  another,  in  getting  thus  far  on  his  way, 
he  had  lost  the  sportable  key  of  his  voice, 
which  gave  sense  and  spirit  to  his  tale:  he 
attempted  twice  to  resume  it,  but  could 
not  please  himself;  so  giving  a  stout  heml 
to  rally  back  the  retreating  spirits,  and  aid- 
ing nature  at  the  same  time  with  his  left 
arm  a-kimbo  on  one  side,  and  with  his 
right  a  little  extended,  supporting  her  on 
the  other — the  corporal  got  as  near  the 
note  as  he  could;  and  in  that  attitude, 
continued  his  story. 


CHAPTER   VII. 

AS  Torn,  an'  please  your  honour,  had  no 
business  at  that  time  with  the  Moorish 
girl,  he  passed  on  into  the  room  be- 
yond, to  talk  to  the  Jew's  widow  about  love 

and  this  pound  of  sausages;  and  being, 

as  I  have  told  your  honour,  an  open,  cheary- 

336 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

hearted  lad,  with  his  character  wrote  in  his 
looks  and  carriage,  he  took  a  chair,  and  with- 
out much  apology,  but  with  great  civility  at 
the  same  time,  placed  it  close  to  her  at  the 
table,  and  sat  down. 

There  is  nothing  so  awkward,  as  courting 
a  woman,  an'  please  your  honour,  whilst  she 
is  making  sausages So  Tom  began  a  dis- 
course upon  them;  first,  gravely, "as 

how  they  were  made with  what  meats, 

herbs,  and  spices" — Then  a  little  gayly, — 

as,  "With  what  skins and  if  they  never 

burst Whether  the  largest  were  not  the 

best?" and  so  on — taking  care  only  as 

he  went  along,  to  season  what  he  had  to 
say  upon  sausages,  rather  under,  than  over; 
that  he  might  have  room  to  act  in 

It  was  owing  to  the  neglect  of  that  very 
precaution,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  laying  his 
hand  upon  Trim's  shoulder,  that  Count  De 
la  Motte  lost  the  battle  of  Wynendale :  he 
pressed  too  speedily  into  the  wood;  which 
if  he  had  not  done,  Lisle  had  not  fallen 
into  our  hands,  nor  Ghent  and  Bruges, 
which  both  followed  her  example;  it  was 
so  late  in  the  year,  continued  my  uncle 
Toby,  and  so  terrible  a  season  came  on, 

237 


THE    LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

that  if  things  had  not  fallen  out  as  they 
did,  our  troops  must  have  perish'd  in  the 
open  field. 

Why,  therefore,  may  not  battles,  an' 

please  your  honour,  as  well  as  marriages, 
be  made  in  heaven  ?  —  My  uncle  Toby 
mused. 

Religion  inclined  him  to  say  one  thing, 
and  his  high  idea  of  military  skill  tempted 
him  to  say  another;  so  not  being  able  to 

frame  a  reply  exactly  to  his  mind my 

uncle  Toby  said  nothing  at  all;  and  the  cor- 
poral finished  his  story. 

As  Tom  perceived,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, that  he  gained  ground,  and  that  all  he 
had  said  upon  the  subject  of  sausages  was 
kindly  taken,  he  went  on  to  help  her  a 

little   in   making   them. First,  by  taking 

hold  of  the  ring  of  the  sausage  whilst  she 
stroked  the  forced  meat  down  with  her 

hand then    by   cutting   the   strings   into 

proper  lengths,  and  holding  them  in  his 
hand,  whilst  she  took  them  out  one  by 

one then,  by   putting    them    across    her 

mouth,   that   she   might  take   them  out  as 

she  wanted  them and  so  on  from  little 

to   more,    till   at  last  he  adventured  to  tie 

238 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  sausage  himself,  whilst  she  held  the 
snout. 

Now  a  widow,  an'  please  your  hon- 
our, always  chuses  a  second  husband  as  un- 
like the  first  as  she  can:  so  the  affair  was 
more  than  half  settled  in  her  mind  before 
Tom  mentioned  it. 

She  made  a  feint  however  of  defending 

herself,  by  snatching  up  a  sausage: 

Tom  instantly  laid  hold  of  another 

But  seeing  Tom's  had  more  gristle  in 
it 

She  signed  the  capitulation and  Tom 

sealed  it;  and  there  was  an  end  of  the 
matter. 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

ALL  womankind,  continued  Trim,  (com- 
menting   upon    his    story)    from    the 
highest    to    the    lowest,    an'    please 
your   honour,   love   jokes;    the   difficulty  is 
to  know  how  they  chuse  to  have  them  cut; 
and  there  is  no  knowing  that,  but  by  try- 
ing, as  we  do  with  our  artillery  in  the  field, 


THE   LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

by  raising  or  letting  down  their  breeches, 
till  we  hit  the  mark. 

1  like  the  comparison,  said  my  uncle 

Toby,  better  than  the  thing  itself 

Because  your  honour,  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, loves  glory,  more  than  pleasure. 

I  hope,  Trim,  answered  my  uncle  Toby, 
I  love  mankind  more  than  either;  and  as 
the  knowledge  of  arms  tends  so  apparently 

to   the    good    and   quiet   of   the   world 

and  particularly  that  branch  of  it  which  we 
have  practised  together  in  our  bowling- 
green,  has  no  object  but  to  shorten  the 
strides  of  AMBITION,  and  intrench  the  lives 
and  fortunes  of  the  few,  from  the  plunder- 
ings  of  the  many whenever  that  drum 

beats  in  our  ears,  I  trust,  corporal,  we 
shall  neither  of  us  want  so  much  humanity 
and  fellow-feeling,  as  to  face  about  and 
march. 

In  pronouncing  this,  my  uncle  Toby  faced 
about,  and  march 'd  firmly  as  at  the  head  of 

his    company and  the  faithful   corporal, 

shouldering  his  stick,  and  striking  his  hand 
upon  his  coat-skirt  as  he  took  his  first  step 

march' d    close    behind    him    down    the 

avenue. 

240 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Now  what  can  their  two  noddles  be 

about?  cried  my  father  to  my  mother 

by  all  that's  strange,  they  are  besieging 
Mrs  Wadman  hi  form,  and  are  marching 
round  her  house  to  mark  out  the  lines  of 
circumvallation. 

I  dare  say,  quoth  my  mother But 

stop,  dear  Sir for  what  my  mother  dared 

to  say  upon  the  occasion and  what  my 

father  did  say  upon  it with  her  replies 

and  his  rejoinders,  shall  be  read,  perused, 
paraphrased,  commented,  and  descanted  upon 
— or  to  say  it  all  in  a  word,  shall  be  thumb'd 

over  by  Posterity  in  a  chapter  apart 1  say, 

by  Posterity — and  care  not,  if  I  repeat  the 
word  again  —  for  what  has  this  book  done 
more  than  the  Legation  of  Moses.,  or  the 
Tale  of  a  Tub,  that  it  may  not  swim  down 
the  gutter  of  Time  along  with  them? 

I  will  not  argue  the  matter:  Time  wastes 
too  fast:  every  letter  I  trace  tells  me  with 
what  rapidity  Life  follows  my  pen;  the 
days  and  hours  of  it,  more  precious,  my 
dear  Jenny!  than  the  rubies  about  thy 
neck,  are  flying  over  our  heads  like  light 
clouds  of  a  windy  day,  never  to  return 
more every  thing  presses  on whilst 

241 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

thou    art    twisting    that    lock, see !    it 

grows  grey;  and  every  time  I  kiss  thy 
hand  to  bid  adieu,  and  every  absence  which 
follows  it,  are  preludes  to  that  eternal  sepa- 
ration which  we  are  shortly  to  make. 

Heaven  have  mercy  upon  us  both! 


N 


CHAPTER    IX. 

OW,    for    what    the    world    thinks    of 

that  ejaculation 1  would   not  give 

a  groat. 


CHAPTER   X. 

MY  mother  had  gone  with  her  left  arm 
twisted  in  my  father's  right,  till  they 
had  got  to  the  fatal  angle  of  the  old 
garden  wall,  where   Doctor  Slop  was   over- 
thrown  by  Obadiah  on  the   coach-horse:    as 
this  was   directly  opposite   to   the  front  of 


WBromtof  •$>*£>' 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Mrs  Wadman's  house,  when  my  father  came 
to  it,  he  gave  a  look  across;  and  seeing  my 
uncle  Toby  and  the  corporal  within  ten 

paces  of  the  door,  he  tum'd  about "Let 

us  just  stop  a  moment,  quoth  my  father, 
and  see  with  what  ceremonies  my  brother 
Toby  and  his  man  Trim  make  their  first 

entry it   will   not   detain   us,  added   my 

father,  a  single  minute:" No  matter,  if 

it  be  ten  minutes,  quoth  my  mother. 

It  will  not  detain  us  half  one;   said 

my  father. 

The  corporal  was  just  then  setting  in 
with  the  story  of  his  brother  Tom  and  the 
Jew's  widow:  the  story  went  on — and  on 

it  had  episodes  in  it it  came  back, 

and  went   on and  on  again;    there  was 

no   end  of  it the  reader  found  it  very 

long 

G —  help  my  father!  he  pish'd  fifty 

times  at  every  new  attitude,  and  gave  the 
corporal's  stick,  with  all  its  flourishings  and 
danglings,  to  as  many  devils  as  chose  to 
accept  of  them. 

When  issues  of  events  like  these  my 
father  is  waiting  for,  are  hanging  in  the 
scales  of  fate,  the  mind  has  the  advantage 


243 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

of  changing  the  principle  of  expectation 
three  times,  without  which  it  would  not 
have  power  to  see  it  out. 

Curiosity  governs  the  first  moment;  and 
the  second  moment  is  all  oeconomy  to  jus- 
tify the  expence  of  the  first and  for  the 

third,  fourth,  fifth,  and  sixth  moments,  and 
so  on  to  the  day  of  judgment — 'tis  a  point 
of  HONOUR. 

I  need  not  be  told,  that  the  ethic  writers 
have  assigned  this  all  to  Patience;  but  that 
VIRTUE,  methinks,  has  extent  of  dominion 
sufficient  of  her  own,  and  enough  to  do 
hi  it,  without  invading  the  few  dismantled 
castles  which  HONOUR  has  left  him  upon 
the  earth. 

My  father  stood  it  out  as  well  as  he 
could  with  these  three  auxiliaries  to  the 
end  of  Trim's  story;  and  from  thence  to 
the  end  of  my  uncle  Toby's  panegyrick 
upon  arms,  in  the  chapter  following  it; 
when  seeing,  that  instead  of  marching  up 
to  Mrs  Wadmari*s  door,  they  both  faced 
about  and  march'd  down  the  avenue  dia- 
metrically opposite  to  his  expectation — he 
broke  out  at  once  with  that  little  subacid 
soreness  of  humour  which,  in  certain  situa- 

244 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

tions,  distinguished  his  character  from  that 
of  all  other  men. 


N 


CHAPTER   XI. 

OW  what  can  their  two  noddles 
be  about?"  cried  my  father -- 
&c. 

I  dare  say,  said  my  mother,  they  are 
making  fortifications 

Not  on  Mrs  Wadmari's  premises! 

cried  my  father,  stepping  back 

I  suppose  not:  quoth  my  mother. 

I  wish,  said  my  father,  raising  his  voice, 
the  whole  science  of  fortification  at  the  devil, 
with  all  its  trumpery  of  saps,  mines,  blinds, 
gabions,  fausse-brays  and  cuvetts 

They  are  foolish  things said  my 

mother. 

Now  she  had  a  way,  which,  by  the  bye, 
I  would  this  moment  give  away  my  purple 
jerkin,  and  my  yellow  slippers  into  the  bar- 
gain, if  some  of  your  reverences  would  im- 
itate—  and  that  was,  never  to  refuse  her 

ti5 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

assent  and  consent  to  any  proposition  my 
father  laid  before  her,  merely  because  she 
did  not  understand  it,  or  had  no  ideas  of 
the  principal  word  or  term  of  art,  upon 
which  the  tenet  or  proposition  rolled.  She 
contented  herself  with  doing  all  that  her 
godfathers  and  godmothers  promised  for  her 
— but  no  more;  and  so  would  go  on  using 
a  hard  word  twenty  years  together — and 
replying  to  it  too,  if  it  was  a  verb,  hi  all 
its  moods  and  tenses,  without  giving  her- 
self any  trouble  to  enquire  about  it. 

This  was  an  eternal  source  of  misery  to 
my  father,  and  broke  the  neck,  at  the  first 
setting  out,  of  more  good  dialogues  be- 
tween them,  than  could  have  done  the 

most     petulant     contradiction the     few 

which  survived  were  the  better  for  the 
cuvetts 

—  "They  are  foolish  things;"  said  my 
mother. 

Particularly  the  cuvetts;    replied  my 

father. 

'Tis  enough  —  he  tasted  the  sweet  of 
triumph — and  went  on. 

— Not  that  they  are,  properly  speaking, 
Mrs  Wadman's  premises,  said  my  father, 

846 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

partly  correcting  himself  —  because  she  is 
but  tenant  for  life 

That  makes  a  great  difference— said 

my  mother 

— In  a  fool's  head,  replied  my  father 

Unless  she  should  happen  to  have  a  child 
— said  my  mother 

But  she  must  persuade  my  brother 

Toby  first  to  get  her  one — 

To  be  sure,  Mr  Shandy,  quoth  my 

mother. 

Though  if  it  comes  to  persuasion — 

said  my  father  —  Lord  have  mercy  upon 
them. 

Amen:  said  my  mother,  piano. 

Amen:  cried  my  father,  fortissimL 

Amen:  said  my  mother  again but  with 

such  a  sighing  cadence  of  personal  pity  at 
the  end  of  it,  as  discomfited  every  fibre 
about  my  father — he  instantly  took  out  his 
almanack;  but  before  he  could  untie  it, 
Yorick's  congregation  coming  out  of  church, 
became  a  full  answer  to  one-half  of  his  bus- 
iness with  it — and  my  mother  telling  him  it 
was  a  sacrament  day — left  him  as  little  in 
doubt,  as  to  the  other  part — He  put  his 
almanack  into  his  pocket. 

§47 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

The  first  Lord  of  the  Treasury  thinking 
of  ways  and  means,  could  not  have  returned 
home,  with  a  more  embarrassed  look. 


CHAPTER   XII. 

UPON  looking  back  from  the  end  of  the 
last  chapter,  and  surveying  the  texture 
of  what  has  been  wrote,  it  is  neces- 
sary, that  upon  this  page  and  the  three  fol- 
lowing, a  good  quantity  of  heterogeneous 
matter  be  inserted,  to  keep  up  that  just 
balance  betwixt  wisdom  and  folly,  without 
which  a  book  would  not  hold  together  a 
single  year :  nor  is  it  a  poor  creeping 
digression  (which  but  for  the  name  of,  a 
man  might  continue  as  well  going  on  in 
the  king's  highway)  which  will  do  the  busi- 
ness  no;  if  it  is  to  be  a  digression,  it 

must  be  a  good  frisky  one,  and  upon  a 
frisky  subject  too,  where  neither  the  horse 
or  his  rider  are  to  be  caught,  but  by  re- 
bound. 

The  only  difficulty,  is  raising  powers  suit- 


248 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

able  to  the  nature  of  the  service:  FANCY 
is  capricious — WIT  must  be  searched  for — 
and  PLEASANTRY  (good-natured  slut  as  she 
is)  will  not  come  in  at  a  call,  was  an  empire 
to  be  laid- at  her  feet. 

The  best  way  for  a  man,  is  to  say 

his  prayers 

Only  if  it  puts  him  in  mind  of  his  infirm- 
ities and  defects  as  well  ghostly  as  bodily — 
for  that  purpose,  he  will  find  himself  rather 
worse  after  he  has  said  them  than  before — 
for  other  purposes,  better. 

For  my  own  part,  there  is  not  a  way 
either  moral  or  mechanical  under  heaven 
that  I  could  think  of,  which  I  have  not 
taken  with  myself  in  this  case:  sometimes 
by  addressing  myself  directly  to  the  soul 
herself,  and  arguing  the  point  over  and  over 
again  with  her  upon  the  extent  of  her  own 
faculties 

1  never  could  make  them  an  inch 

the  wider 

Then  by  changing  my  system,  and  trying 
what  could  be  made  of  it  upon  the  body, 
by  temperance,  soberness,  and  chastity : 
These  are  good,  quoth  I,  in  themselves— 
they  are  good,  absolutely; — they  are  good, 

940 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

relatively; — they  are  good  for  health — they 
are  good  for  happiness  in  this  world — they 
are  good  for  happiness  in  the  next 

In  short,  they  were  good  for  every  thing 
but  the  thing  wanted;  and  there  they  were 
good  for  nothing,  but  to  leave  the  soul  just 
as  heaven  made  it:  as  for  the  theological 
virtues  of  faith  and  hope,  they  give  it 
courage;  but  then  that  snivelling  virtue  of 
Meekness  (as  my  father  would  always  call 
it)  takes  it  quite  away  again,  so  you  are 
exactly  where  you  started. 

Now  in  all  common  and  ordinary  cases, 
there  is  nothing  which  I  have  found  to 
answer  so  well  as  this 

Certainly,  if  there  is  any  dependence 

upon  Logic,  and  that  I  am  not  blinded  by 
self-love,  there  must  be  something  of  true 
genius  about  me,  merely  upon  this  symp- 
tom of  it,  that  I  do  not  know  what  envy 
is:  for  never  do  I  hit  upon  any  invention 
or  device  which  tendeth  to  the  furtherance 
of  good  writing,  but  I  instantly  make  it 
public;  willing  that  all  mankind  should 
write  as  well  as  myself. 

Which  they  certainly  will,  when  they 

think  as  little. 

950 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIII. 

NOW  in  ordinary  cases,  that  is,  when  I 
am  only  stupid,  and  the  thoughts  rise 
heavily  and  pass  gummous  through 

my  pen 

Or  that  I  am  got,  I  know  not  how, 
into  a  cold  unmetaphorical  vein  of  infa- 
mous writing,  and  cannot  take  a  plumb- 
lift  out  of  it  for  my  soul;  so  must  be 
obliged  to  go  on  writing  like  a  Dutch 
commentator  to  the  end  of  the  chapter, 

unless   something   be   done 

1    never    stand    conferring    with    pen 

and  ink  one  moment;  for  if  a  pinch  of 
snuff,  or  a  stride  or  two  across  the  room 
will  not  do  the  business  for  me — I  take  a 
razor  at  once;  and  having  tried  the  edge  of 
it  upon  the  palm  of  my  hand,  without  fur- 
ther ceremony,  except  that  of  first  lathering 
my  beard,  I  shave  it  off;  taking  care  only 
if  I  do  leave  a  hair,  that  it  be  not  a  grey 
one:  this  done,  I  change  my  shirt — put  on 
a  better  coat — send  for  my  last  wig — put 

951 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

my  topaz  ring  upon  my  finger;  and  in  a 
word,  dress  myself  from  one  end  to  the 
other  of  me,  after  my  best  fashion. 

Now  the  devil  in  hell  must  be  in  it,  if 
this  does  not  do:  for  consider,  Sir,  as  every 
man  chuses  to  be  present  at  the  shaving  of 
his  own  beard  (though  there  is  no  rule  with- 
out an  exception),  and  unavoidably  sits  over- 
against  himself  the  whole  time  it  is  doing, 
in  case  he  has  a  hand  in  it — the  Situation, 
like  all  others,  has  notions  of  her  own  to 
put  into  the  brain. 

1  maintain  it,  the  conceits  of  a  rough- 
bearded  man,  are  seven  years  more  terse  and 
juvenile  for  one  single  operation;  and  if  they 
did  not  run  a  risk  of  being  quite  shaved 
away,  might  be  carried  up  by  continual 
shavings,  to  the  highest  pitch  of  sublimity 
— How  Homer  could  write  with  so  long  a 

beard,  I  don't  know and  as  it  makes 

against  my  hypothesis,  I  as  little  care 

But  let  us  return  to  the  Toilet. 

Ludovicus  Sorbonensis  makes  this  entirely 
an  affair  of  the  body  (efwre^  irpafa)  as  he 

calls  it but  he  is  deceived:  the  soul  and 

body  are  joint-sharers  in  every  thing  they 
get:  A  man  cannot  dress,  but  his  ideas  get 

Ml 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

cloath'd  at  the  same  time;  and  if  he  dresses 
like  a  gentleman,  every  one  of  them  stands 
presented  to  his  imagination,  genteelized 
along  with  him  —  so  that  he  has  nothing 
to  do,  but  take  his  pen,  and  write  like 
himself. 

For  this  cause,  when  your  honours  and 
reverences  would  know  whether  I  writ  clean 
and  fit  to  be  read,  you  will  be  able  to 
judge  full  as  well  by  looking  into  my 
Laundress's  bill,  as  my  book:  there  was 
one  single  month  in  which  I  can  make  it 
appear,  that  I  dirtied  one  and  thirty  shirts 
with  clean  writing;  and  after  all,  was  more 
abus'd,  cursed,  criticis'd,  and  confounded, 
and  had  more  mystic  heads  shaken  at  me, 
for  what  I  had  wrote  in  that  one  month, 
than  in  all  the  other  months  of  that  year 
put  together. 

But  their  honours  and  reverences  had 
not  seen  my  bills. 


963 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

AS  I  never  had  any  intention  of  begin- 
ning the  Digression,  I  am  making  all 
this  preparation  for,  till  I  come  to  the 

15th  chapter 1  have  this  chapter  to  put 

to  whatever  use  I  think  proper 1  have 

twenty  this  moment  ready  for  it 1  could 

write  my  chapter  of  Button-holes  hi  it 

Or  my  chapter  of  Pishes,  which  should 
follow*  them 

Or  my  chapter  of  Knots,  in  case  their 

reverences  have  done  with  them they 

might  lead  me  into  mischief:  the  safest 
way  is  to  follow  the  track  of  the  learned, 
and  raise  objections  against  what  I  have 
been  writing,  tho'  I  declare  beforehand,  I 
know  no  more  than  my  heels  how  to  an- 
swer them. 

And  first,  it  may  be  said,  there  is  a  pelt- 
ing kind  of  thersitical  satire,  as  black  as  the 

very  ink  'tis  wrote  with (and  by  the 

bye,  whoever  says  so,  is  indebted  to  the 

254 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

muster-master  general  of  the  Grecian  army, 
for  suffering  the  name  of  so  ugly  and  foul- 
mouth'd  a  man  as  Thersites  to  continue 

upon   his  roll for   it   has    furnish 'd    him 

with  an  epithet) in  these  productions  he 

will  urge,  all  the  personal  washings  and 
scrubbings  upon  earth  do  a  sinking  genius 

no  sort  of   good but  just  the  contrary, 

inasmuch  as  the  dirtier  the  fellow  is,  the 
better  generally  he  succeeds  in  it. 

To  this,  I  have  no  other  answer — at  least 

ready but  that  the  Archbishop  of  Bene- 

vento  wrote  his  nasty  Romance  of  the  Gala- 
tea, as  all  the  world  knows,  in  a  purple  coat, 
waistcoat,  and  purple  pair  of  breeches;  and 
that  the  penance  set  him  of  writing  a  com- 
mentary upon  the  book  of  the  Revelations, 
as  severe  as  it  was  look'd  upon  by  one  part 
of  the  world,  was  far  from  being  deem'd 
so,  by  the  other,  upon  the  single  account  of 
that  Investment. 

Another  objection,  to  all  this  remedy,  is 
its  want  of  universality;  forasmuch  as  the 
shaving  part  of  it,  upon  which  so  much 
stress  is  laid,  by  an  unalterable  law  of  na- 
ture excludes  one-half  of  the  species  entirely 
from  its  use:  all  I  can  say  is,  that  female 

955 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

writers,  whether  of  England,  or  of  France, 

must  e'en  go  without  it 

As  for  the  Spanish  ladies 1  am  in  no 

sort  of  distress 


CHAPTER    XV. 

'  I  \HE   fifteenth   chapter  is   come  at  last; 
X     and  brings  nothing  with  it  but  a  sad 
signature  of  "How  our  pleasures  slip 
from  under  us  in  this  world!" 

For  in  talking  of  my  digression 1  de- 
clare before  heaven  I  have  made  it!  What 
a  strange  creature  is  mortal  man!  said  she. 

'Tis  very  true,  said  I but  'twere  better 

to  get  all  these  things  out  of  our  heads,  and 
return  to  my  uncle  Toby. 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

WHEN    my  uncle   Toby  and  the   cor- 
poral had  marched  down  to  the  bot- 
tom of  the  avenue,  they  recollected 
their  business  lay   the  other  way;    so  they 
faced    about    and    marched    up    straight    to 
Mrs  Wadmari's  door. 

I  warrant  your  honour;  said  the  corporal, 
touching  his  Montero-ca.p  with  his  hand,  as 
he  passed  him  in  order  to  give  a  knock  at 

the  door My  uncle  Toby,  contrary  to  his 

invariable  way  of  treating  his  faithful  ser- 
vant, said  nothing  good  or  bad:  the  truth 
was,  he  had  not  altogether  marshal'd  his 
ideas;  he  wish'd  for  another  conference,  and 
as  the  corporal  was  mounting  up  the  three 
steps  before  the  door — he  hem'd  twice — a 
portion  of  my  uncle  Toby's  most  modest 
spirits  fled,  at  each  expulsion,  towards  the 
corporal;  he  stood  with  the  rapper  of  the 
door  suspended  for  a  full  minute  in  his 
hand,  he  scarce  knew  why.  Bridget  stood 
perdue  within,  with  her  finger  and  her  thumb 

257 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

upon  the  latch,  benumb'd  with  expectation; 
and  Mrs  Wadman,  with  an  eye  ready  to  be 
deflowered  again,  sat  breathless  behind  the 
window-curtain  of  her  bed-chamber,  watch- 
ing their  approach. 

Trim!  said  my  uncle  Toby but  as  he 

articulated  the  word,  the  minute  expired, 
and  Trim  let  fall  the  rapper. 

My  uncle  Toby  perceiving  that  all  hopes 
of  a  conference  were  knock' d  on  the  head 
by  it whistled  Lillabullero. 


CHAPTER    XVII. 

AS  Mrs  Bridget's  finger  and  thumb  were 
upon  the  latch,  the  corporal  did  not 
knock  as  oft  as  perchance  your  hon- 
our's taylor 1  might  have  taken  my  ex- 
ample  something  nearer  home ;    for   I   owe 
mine,  some  five  and  twenty  pounds  at  least, 

and  wonder  at  the  man's  patience 

But    this    is    nothing    at    all    to    the 

world:    only  'tis    a   cursed    thing    to    be   in 
debt;    and   there  seems   to   be   a  fatality  in 

258 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

the  exchequers  of  some  poor  princes,  par- 
ticularly those  of  our  house,  which  no 
Economy  can  bind  down  in  irons:  for  my 
own  part,  I'm  persuaded  there  is  not  any 
one  prince,  prelate,  pope,  or  potentate,  great 
or  small  upon  earth,  more  desirous  in  his 
heart  of  keeping  straight  with  the  world 

than  I  am or  who  takes  more  likely 

means  for  it.  I  never  give  above  half  a 

guinea or  walk  with  boots or  cheapen 

tooth-picks or  lay  out  a  shilling  upon  a 

band-box  the  year  round;  and  for  the  six 
months  I'm  in  the  country,  I'm  upon  so 
small  a  scale,  that  with  all  the  good  tem- 
per in  the  world,  I  outdo  Rousseau,  a  bar 

length for  I  keep  neither  man  or  boy, 

or  horse,  or  cow,  or  dog,  or  cat,  or  any 
thing  that  can  eat  or  drink,  except  a  thin 
poor  piece  of  a  Vestal  (to  keep  my  fire  in), 
and  who  has  generally  as  bad  an  appetite 

as  myself but  if  you  think  this  makes  a 

philosopher  of  me 1  would  not,  my  good 

people!  give  a  rush  for  your  judgments. 

True  philosophy but  there  is  no  treat- 
ing the  subject  whilst  my  uncle  is  whistling 
Lillabullero. 

Let  us  go  into  the  house. 

259 


THE   LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


260 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

MY    UNCLE    TOBY'S   WHISTLE, 
LILLIBULLERO. 

The  Ballad  J  to  this  tune  was  written  in  the  year  1686, 
on  account  of  King  James  II.  nominating  to  the  Lieutenancy 
of  Ireland  General  Talbot,  newly  created  Earl  of  Tyrconnel,  a 
furious  Papist,  who  had  recommended  himself  to  his  bigot  ted 
master  by  his  arbitrary  treatment  of  the  Protestants  in  the 
preceding  year,  when  only  Lieutenant  General;  and  whose 
subsequent  conduct  fully  justified  his  expectations  and  their 
fears. 

This  foolish  Ballad,  treating  the  Papists,  and  chiefly  the 
Irish,  in  a  very  ridiculous  manner,  had  a  burden,  said  to  be 
Irish  words,  "  Lero,  lero,  lillibullero; "  and  made  an  impres- 
sion on  the  (King's)  army,  more  powerful  than  either  the 
philippics  of  Demosthenes  or  Cicero.  The  whole  army,  and 
at  last  the  people,  both  in  city  and  country,  were  singing  it 
perpetually.  Perhaps  never  had  so  slight  a  thing  so  great  an 
effect;  for  it  contributed  not  a  little  towards  the  Revolution  in 
1688.§ 

LILLIBULLERO  and  BULLEN-A-LAH,  are  said  to  have 
been  the  watch-words  used  among  the  Irish  Papists,  in  their 
massacre  of  the  Protestants  in  1641. 


t  See   Percy's   Reliques  of  Ancient  English  Poetry,  Vol.  II, 

page  358. 

§  See    Bishop    Burnet's    History   of   His    Own    Times;    and 
King's  State  of  the  Protestants  in   Ireland,  1691,  4to. 

261 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 


369 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XIX. 


263 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 


CHAPTER  XX. 


* 


You  shall  see  the  very  place,  Madam; 

said  my  uncle  Toby. 

Mrs  Wadman  blush 'd look'd  towards 

the  door turn'd  pale blush'd  slightly 

again recover 'd  her  natural  colour 

blush'd  worse  than  ever ;  which,  for  the 
sake  of  the  unlearned  reader,  I  translate 

"  L — d!  I  cannot  look  at  it 

What  would  the  world  say  if  I  looked 

at  it? 
I  should  drop  down,  if  I  look'd  at  it — 

/  wish  I  could  look  at  it 

There  can  be  no  sin  in  looking  at  it. 
/  will  look  at  it.'9 

Whilst  all  this  was  running  through  Mrs 

964 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Wadmari's  imagination,  my  uncle  Toby  had 
risen  from  the  sopha,  and  got  to  the  other 
side  of  the  parlour  door,  to  give  Trim  an 
order  about  it  in  the  passage  - 


* 


1  believe  it  is  hi  the  garret,  said 
my  uncle  Toby  -  1  saw  it  there,  an'  please 
your  honour,  this  morning,  answered  Trim 
-  Then  prithee,  step  directly  for  it,  Trim, 
said  my  uncle  Toby,  and  bring  it  into  the 
parlour. 

The  corporal  did  not  approve  of  the 
orders,  but  most  chearfully  obeyed  them. 
The  first  was  not  an  act  of  his  will  —  the 
second  was;  so  he  put  on  his  Montero-cap, 
and  went  as  fast  as  his  lame  knee  would 
let  him.  My  uncle  Toby  returned  into  the 
parlour,  and  sat  himself  down  again  upon 
the  sopha. 

-  You  shall  lay  your  finger  upon  the 
place  —  said  my  uncle  Toby.  -  1  will  not 
touch  it,  however,  quoth  Mrs  Wadman  to 
herself. 

This  requires  a  second  translation:  —  it 
shews  what  little  knowledge  is  got  by 
mere  words  —  we  must  go  up  to  the  first 
springs. 

965 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

Now  in  order  to  clear  up  the  mist  which 
hangs  upon  these  three  pages,  I  must  en- 
deavour to  be  as  clear  as  possible  myself. 

Rub  your  hands  thrice  across  your  fore- 
heads —  blow  your  noses  —  cleanse  your 

emunctories — sneeze,  my  good  people! 

God  bless  you 

Now  give  me  all  the  help  you  can. 


CHAPTER   XXI. 

AS  there  are  fifty  different  ends  (count- 
ing all  ends  in as  well  civil  as  re- 
ligious)  for  which   a  woman   takes   a 
husband,  she   first  sets    about   and   carefully 
weighs,   then  separates   and   distinguishes  in 
her    mind,    which    of    all    that    number    of 
ends,    is    hers:    then   by   discourse,    enquiry, 
argumentation,    and    inference,    she    investi- 
gates   and    finds    out   whether    she   has   got 

hold  of  the  right  one and  if  she  has 

then,  by  pulling  it  gently  this  way  and  that 
way,  she  further  forms  a  judgment,  whether 
it  will  not  break  in  the  drawing. 

The  imagery  under  which  Slawkenbergius 

266 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

impresses  this  upon  the  reader's  fancy,  in 
the  beginning  of  his  third  Decad,  is  so 
ludicrous,  that  the  honour  I  bear  the  sex, 

will  not  suffer  me  to  quote  it otherwise 

it  is  not  destitute  of  humour. 

"She  first,  saith  Slawkenbergius,  stops  the 
asse,  and  holding  his  halter  in  her  left  hand 
(lest  he  should  get  away)  she  thrusts  her 
right  hand  into  the  very  bottom  of  his  pan- 
nier to  search  for  it — For  what? — you'll  not 
know  the  sooner,  quoth  Slawkenbergius,  for 
interrupting  me 


. . 


I  have  nothing,  good  Lady,  but  empty 
bottles;"  says  the  asse. 

"I'm  loaded  with  tripes;"  says  the  sec- 
ond. 

And  thou  art  little  better,  quoth  she 

to  the  third;  for  nothing  is  there  in  thy 
panniers  but  trunk-hose  and  pantofles — and 
so  to  the  fourth  and  fifth,  going  on  one  by 
one  through  the  whole  string,  till  coming  to 
the  asse  which  carries  it,  she  turns  the  pan- 
nier upside  down,  looks  at  it — considers  it — 
samples  it — measures  it — stretches  it — wets 
it — dries  it — then  takes  her  teeth  both  to 
the  warp  and  weft  of  it 

Of  what?  for  the  love  of  Christ! 

267 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

I  am  determined,  answered  Slawkenbergius, 
that  all  the  powers  upon  earth  shall  never 
wring  that  secret  from  my  breast. 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

WE   live   in   a  world  beset  on  all  sides 
with    mysteries     and     riddles  —  and 

so   'tis   no   matter else   it  seems 

strange,  that  Nature,  who  makes  every 
thing  so  well  to  answer  its  destination, 
and  seldom  or  never  errs,  unless  for  pas- 
time, in  giving  such  forms  and  aptitudes 
to  whatever  passes  through  her  hands,  that 
whether  she  designs  for  the  plough,  the 
caravan,  the  cart — or  whatever  other  creat- 
ure she  models,  be  it  but  an  asse's  foal, 
you  are  sure  to  have  the  thing  you  wanted; 
and  yet  at  the  same  time  should  so  eter- 
nally bungle  it  as  she  does,  in  making  so 
simple  a  thing  as  a  married  man. 

Whether  it  is  in  the   choice  of  the   clay 

or  that   it   is   frequently  spoiled   in  the 

baking;   by   an  excess  of  which   a  husband 

268 


OF   TRISTRAM   SHANDY 

may  turn  out  too  crusty  (you  know)  on 

one  hand or  not  enough  so,  through 

defect  of  heat,  on  the  other or  whether 

this  great  Artificer  is  not  so  attentive  to 
the  little  Platonic  exigences  of  that  part 
of  the  species,  for  whose  use  she  is  fabri- 
cating this or  that  her  Ladyship  some- 
times scarce  knows  what  sort  of  a  husband 

will  do 1  know  not:  we  will  discourse 

about  it  after  supper. 

It  is  enough,  that  neither  the  observation 
itself,  or  the  reasoning  upon  it,  are  at  all  to 

the  purpose but  rather  against  it;  since 

with  regard  to  my  uncle  Toby's  fitness  for 
the  marriage  state,  nothing  was  ever  better: 
she  had  formed  him  of  the  best  and  kind- 
liest clay had  temper 'd  it  with  her  own 

milk,  and  breathed  into  it  the  sweetest 

spirit she  had  made  him  all  gentle, 

generous,  and  humane she  had  filled  his 

heart  with  trust  and  confidence,  and  dis- 
posed every  passage  which  led  to  it,  for 
the  communication  of  the  tenderest  offices 

she  had  moreover  considered  the  other 

causes  for  which  matrimony  was  ordained 

And   accordingly    *        * 


269 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 


****** 

The  DONATION  was  not  defeated  by  my 
uncle  Toby's  wound. 

Now  this  last  article  was  somewhat  apocry- 
phal; and  the  Devil,  who  is  the  great  dis- 
turber of  our  faiths  in  this  world,  had  raised 
scruples  in  Mrs  Wadmarfs  brain  about  it; 
and  like  a  true  devil  as  he  was,  had  done 
his  own  work  at  the  same  time,  by  turn- 
ing my  uncle  Toby's  Virtue  thereupon  into 
nothing  but  empty  bottles,  tripes,  trunk-hose, 
and  pantofles. 


CHAPTER    XXIII. 

MRS  Bridget  had  pawn'd  all  the  little 
stock  of  honour  a  poor  chambermaid 
was   worth    in    the    world,    that    she 
would   get   to   the   bottom   of  the   affair  in 
ten  days;   and  it  was  built  upon  one  of  the 
most  concessible  postulata  in  nature:  name- 
ly, that  whilst  my  uncle  Toby  was  making 
love  to  her  mistress,  the  corporal  could  find 

270 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

nothing  better  to  do,  than  make  love  to 

her "And  I'll  let  him  as  much  as  he 

will,  said  Bridget ,  to  get  it  out  of  him." 

Friendship  has  two  garments;  an  outer, 
and  an  under  one.  Bridget  was  serving 
her  mistress's  interests  in  the  one  —  and 
doing  the  thing  which  most  pleased  her- 
self in  the  other;  so  had  as  many  stakes 
depending  upon  my  uncle  Toby's  wound, 

as  the  Devil  himself Mrs  Wadman  had 

but  one — and  as  it  possibly  might  be  her 
last  (without  discouraging  Mrs  Bridget,  or 
discrediting  her  talents)  was  determined  to 
play  her  cards  herself. 

She  wanted  not  encouragement:  a  child 

might  have  look'd  into  his  hand there 

was  such  a  plainness  and  simplicity  in  his 

playing  out  what  trumps  he  had with 

such  an  unmistrusting  ignorance  of  the  ten- 

ace and  so  naked  and  defenceless  did  he 

sit  upon  the  same  sopha  with  widow  Wad- 
man,  that  a  generous  heart  would  have  wept 
to  have  won  the  game  of  him. 

Let  us  drop  the  metaphor. 


271 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 


A 


CHAPTER    XXIV. 

ND  the  story  too — if  you  please: 
for  though  I  have  all  along  been 
hastening  towards  this  part  of  it, 
with  so  much  earnest  desire,  as  well  know- 
ing it  to  be  the  choicest  morsel  of  what  I 
had  to  offer  to  the  world,  yet  now  that  I 
am  got  to  it,  any  one  is  welcome  to  take 
my  pen,  and  go  on  with  the  story  for  me 
that  will — I  see  the  difficulties  of  the  de- 
scriptions I'm  going  to  give — and  feel  my 
want  of  powers. 

It  is  one  comfort  at  least  to  me,  that 
I  lost  some  fourscore  ounces  of  blood  this 
week  hi  a  most  uncritical  fever  which  at- 
tacked me  at  the  beginning  of  this  chapter; 
so  that  I  have  still  some  hopes  remaining, 
it  may  be  more  in  the  serous  or  globular 
parts  of  the  blood,  than  hi  the  subtile  aura 

of   the   brain be   it  which   it  will  —  an 

Invocation   can  do  no  hurt and  I  leave 

the  affair  entirely  to  the  invoked,  to  inspire 
or  to  inject  me  according  as  he  sees  good. 

272 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


THE  INVOCATION. 

GENTLE    Spirit    of    sweetest    humour, 
who   erst   did  sit  upon   the   easy  pen 
of    my    beloved     CERVANTES  ;     Thou 
who     glided 'st    daily    through     his    lattice, 
and    turned 'st    the    twilight    of    his    prison 
into    noon- day   brightness    by    thy    presence 

tinged 'st    his    little    urn   of  water   with 

heaven-sent  nectar,  and  all  the  time  he 
wrote  of  Sancho  and  his  master,  didst  cast 
thy  mystic  mantle  o'er  his  wither 'd  stump,* 
and  wide  extended  it  to  all  the  evils  of  his 

life 

Turn   in   hither,  I   beseech  thee! 

behold    these    breeches ! they  are   all    I 

have  in  the  world that  piteous  rent  was 

given  them  at  Lyons 

My  shirts!  see  what  a  deadly  schism  has 
happen' d  amongst  'em — for  the  laps  are  in 
Lombardy,  and  the  rest  of  'em  here — I 
never  had  but  six,  and  a  cunning  gypsey 
of  a  laundress  at  Milan  cut  me  off  the  fore- 

*  He  lost  his  hand  at  the  battle  of  Lepanto. 

273 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

laps  of  five  —  To  do  her  justice,  she  did  it 
with  some  consideration — for  I  was  return- 
ing out  of  Italy. 

And  yet,  notwithstanding  all  this,  and  a 
pistol  tinder-box  which  was  moreover  filch' d 
from  me  at  Sienna,  and  twice  that  I  pay'd 
five  Pauls  for  two  hard  eggs,  once  at  Rad- 
dicqffini,  and  a  second  time  at  Capua — I  do 
not  think  a  journey  through  France  and 
Italy,  provided  a  man  keeps  his  temper  all 
the  way,  so  bad  a  thing  as  some  people 
would  make  you  believe:  there  must  be 
ups  and  downs,  or  how  the  duce  should  we 
get  into  vallies  where  Nature  spreads  so 
many  tables  of  entertainment. — 'Tis  non- 
sense to  imagine  they  will  lend  you  their 
voitures  to  be  shaken  to  pieces  for  noth- 
ing; and  unless  you  pay  twelve  sous  for 
greasing  your  wheels,  how  should  the  poor 
peasant  get  butter  to  his  bread? — AVe  really 
expect  too  much — and  for  the  livre  or  two 
above  par  for  your  suppers  and  bed — at  the 
most  they  are  but  one  shilling  and  nine- 
pence  halfpenny who  would  embroil  their 

philosophy  for  it?  for  heaven's  and  for  your 

own  sake,  pay  it pay  it  with  both  hands 

open,  rather  than   leave  Disappointment  sit- 

274 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

ting  drooping  upon  the  eye  of  your  feu- 
Hostess  and  her  Damsels  in  the  gate-way, 

at  your  departure and   besides,   my  dear 

Sir,  you  get  a  sisterly  kiss  of  each  of  'em 
worth  a  pound at  least  I  did 

For  my  uncle  Toby's  amours  running 

all  the  way  in  my  head,  they  had  the  same 
effect  upon  me  as  if  they  had  been  my 

own 1  was  in  the  most  perfect  state  of 

bounty  and  good- will;  and  felt  the  kindliest 
harmony  vibrating  within  me,  with  every 
oscillation  of  the  chaise  alike;  so  that 
whether  the  roads  were  rough  or  smooth, 
it  made  no  difference;  every  thing  I  saw 
or  had  to  do  with,  touch' d  upon  some 
secret  spring  either  of  sentiment  or  rap- 
ture. 

They  were  the  sweetest  notes  I  ever 

heard;  and  I  instantly  let  down  the  fore- 
glass  to  hear  them  more  distinctly 'Tis 

Maria;  said  the  postillion,  observing  I  was 

listening Poor    Maria,    continued    he 

(leaning  his  body  on  one  side  to  let  me  see 
her,  for  he  was  in  a  line  betwixt  us),  is  sit- 
ting upon  a  bank  playing  her  vespers  upon 
her  pipe,  with  her  little  goat  beside  her. 

The    young   fellow   utter'd   this   with   an 

275 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

accent  and  a  look  so  perfectly  in  tune  to  a 
feeling  heart,  that  I  instantly  made  a  vow, 
I  would  give  him  a  four -and -twenty  sous 
piece,  when  I  got  to  Moulins 


-And  who  is  poor  Maria  ?  said  I. 


The  love  and  piety  of  all  the  villages 

around  us;  said  the  postillion it  is  but 

three  years  ago,  that  the  sun  did  not  shine 
upon  so  fair,  so  quick-witted  and  amiable  a 
maid;  and  better  fate  did  Maria  deserve, 
than  to  have  her  Banns  forbid,  by  the  in- 
trigues of  the  curate  of  the  parish  who  pub- 
lished them 

He  was  going  on,  when  Maria,  who  had 
made  a  short  pause,  put  the  pipe  to  her 

mouth,  and  began  the  air  again they 

were  the  same  notes; yet  were  ten  times 

sweeter:  It  is  the  evening  service  to  the 

Virgin,  said  the  young  man but  who  has 

taught  her  to  play  it — or  how  she  came  by 
her  pipe,  no  one  knows ;  we  think  that 
heaven  has  assisted  her  in  both ;  for  ever 
since  she  has  been  unsettled  in  her  mind, 

it  seems  her  only  consolation she  has 

never  once  had  the  pipe  out  of  her  hand, 
but  plays  that  service  upon  it  almost  night 
and  day. 

276 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

The  postillion  delivered  this  with  so  much 
discretion  and  natural  eloquence,  that  I  could 
not  help  decyphering  something  in  his  face 
above  his  condition,  and  should  have  sifted 
out  his  history,  had  not  poor  Maria  taken 
such  full  possession  of  me. 

We  had  got  up  by  this  time  almost  to 
the  bank  where  Maria  was  sitting:  she  was 
in  a  thin  white  jacket,  with  her  hair,  all 
but  two  tresses,  drawn  up  into  a  silk-net, 
with  a  few  olive  leaves  twisted  a  little  fan- 
tastically on  one  side she  was  beautiful; 

and  if  ever  I  felt  the  full  force  of  an 
honest  heart- ache,  it  was  the  moment  I 
saw  her 

God  help  her  !  poor  damsel !  above 

a  hundred  masses,  said  the  postillion,  have 
been  said  in  the  several  parish  churches  and 

convents  around,  for  her, but  without 

effect;  we  have  still  hopes,  as  she  is  sensi- 
ble for  short  intervals,  that  the  Virgin  at 
last  will  restore  her  to  herself;  but  her 
parents,  who  know  her  best,  are  hopeless 
upon  that  score,  and  think  her  senses  are 
lost  for  ever. 

As  the  postillion  spoke  this,  MARIA  made 
a  cadence  so  melancholy,  so  tender  and 

8TT 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

querulous,  that  I  sprung  out  of  the  chaise 
to  help  her,  and  found  myself  sitting  be- 
twixt her  and  her  goat  before  I  relapsed 
from  my  enthusiasm. 

MARIA  look'd  wistfully  for  some  time  at 

me,  and   then   at   her   goat and   then  at 

me and   then   at  her  goat  again,  and  so 

on,   alternately 

Well,  Maria,  said   I   softly What 

resemblance  do  you  find  ? 

I  do  entreat  the  candid  reader  to  believe 
me,  that  it  was  from  the  humblest  convic- 
tion of  what  a  Beast  man  is, that  I 

asked  the  question;  and  that  I  would  not 
have  let  fallen  an  unseasonable  pleasantry 
in  the  venerable  presence  of  Misery,  to  be 
entitled  to  all  the  wit  that  ever  Rabelais 

scatter 'd and  yet  I  own  my  heart  smote 

me,  and  that  I  so  smarted  at  the  very  idea 
of  it,  that  I  swore  I  would  set  up  for  Wis- 
dom, and  utter  grave  sentences  the  rest  of 

my    days and    never never    attempt 

again  to  commit  mirth  with  man,  woman, 
or  child,  the  longest  day  I  had  to  live. 

As    for   writing   nonsense   to   them 1 

believe,  there  was  a  reserve  —  but  that  I 
leave  to  the  world. 

278 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Adieu,  Maria!— adieu,  poor  hapless  dam- 
sel ! some  time,  but  not  now,  I  may 

hear  thy  sorrows  from  thy  own  lips 

but  I  was  deceived;  for  that  moment  she 
took  her  pipe  and  told  me  such  a  tale  of 
woe  with  it,  that  I  rose  up,  and  with 
broken  and  irregular  steps  walk'd  softly  to 
my  chaise. 

What  an  excellent  inn  at  Moulins! 


CHAPTER    XXV. 

WHEN  we  have  got  to  the  end  of  this 
chapter  (but  not  before)  we  must  all 
turn  back  to  the  two  blank  chapters, 
on  the  account  of  which  my  honour  has  lain 

bleeding   this    half  hour 1    stop    it,    by 

pulling  off  one  of  my  yellow  slippers  and 
throwing  it  with  all  my  violence  to  the 
opposite  side  of  my  room,  with  a  declara- 
tion at  the  heel  of  it 

That    whatever    resemblance    it    may 

bear  to  half  the  chapters  which  are  writ- 
ten in  the  world,  or  for  aught  I  know, 

279 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

may  be  now  writing  in  it — that  it  was  as 
casual  as  the  foam  of  Zeuxis  his  horse: 
besides,  I  look  upon  a  chapter  which  has, 
only  nothing  in  it,  with  respect;  and  con- 
sidering what  worse  things  there  are  in  the 
world That  it  is  no  way  a  proper  sub- 
ject for  satire 

Why  then  was  it  left  so?    And  here 

without  staying  for  my  reply,  shall  I  be 
called  as  many  blockheads,  numsculs,  dod- 
dypoles,  dunderheads,  ninnyhammers,  goose- 
caps,  joltheads,  nincompoops,  and  sh  -  -  t-a- 

beds and  other  unsavoury  appellations,  as 

ever  the  cake-bakers  of  Lerne  cast  in  the 

teeth  of  King  Garangantari 's  shepherds 

And  I'll  let  them  do  it,  as  Bridget  said, 
as  much  as  they  please;  for  how  was  it 
possible  they  should  foresee  the  necessity  I 
was  under  of  writing  the  25th  chapter  of 
my  book,  before  the  18th,  &c.  ? 

So  I  don't  take  it  amiss All  I 

wish  is,  that  it  may  be  a  lesson  to  the 
world,  "to  let  people  tell  their  stories  their 
own  way." 


980 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


THE    EIGHTEENTH    CHAPTER. 

AS  Mrs  Bridget  opened  the  door  before 
the  corporal  had  well  given  the  rap, 
the  interval  betwixt  that  and  my 
uncle  Toby's  introduction  into  the  parlour, 
was  so  short,  that  Mrs  Wadman  had  but 
just  time  to  get  from  behind  the  curtain 
lay  a  Bible  upon  the  table,  and  ad- 
vance a  step  or  two  towards  the  door  to 
receive  him. 

My  uncle  Toby  saluted  Mrs  Wadman, 
after  the  manner  in  which  women  were 
saluted  by  men  in  the  year  of  our  Lord 
God  one  thousand  seven  hundred  and  thir- 
teen  then  facing  about,  he  march'd  up 

abreast  with  her  to  the  sopha,  and  in  three 

plain  words though  not  before  he  was 

sat  down nor  after  he  was  sat  down 

but  as  he  was  sitting  down,  told 

her,  "lie  was  in  love" so  that  my  uncle 

Toby  strained  himself  more  in  the  declara- 
tion than  he  needed. 

Mrs     Wadman     naturally    looked    down, 

281 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

upon  a  slit  she  had  been  darning  up  in 
her  apron,  in  expectation  every  moment, 
that  my  uncle  Toby  would  go  on;  but 
having  no  talents  for  amplification,  and 
Love  moreover  of  all  others  being  a  sub- 
ject of  which  he  was  the  least  a  master 

When  he  had  told  Mrs  Wadman  once  that 
he  loved  her,  he  let  it  alone,  and  left  the 
matter  to  work  after  its  own  way. 

My  father  was  always  in  raptures  with 
this  system  of  my  uncle  Toby's,  as  he 
falsely  called  it,  and  would  often  say,  that 
could  his  brother  Toby  to  his  process  have 

added    but    a    pipe    of   tobacco he    had 

wherewithal  to  have  found  his  way,  if  there 
was  faith  in  a  Spanish  proverb,  towards  the 
hearts  of  half  the  women  upon  the  globe. 

My  uncle  Toby  never  understood  what 
my  father  meant;  nor  will  I  presume  to 
extract  more  from  it,  than  a  condemnation 
of  an  error  which  the  bulk  of  the  world 

lie   under but   the  French,  every  one   of 

'em  to  a  man,  who  believe  in  it,  almost  as 
much  as  the  REAL  PRESENCE,  "That  talking 
of  love,  is  making  it.1' 

1  would  as  soon  set  about  making 

a  black-pudding  by  the  same  receipt. 

282 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Let  us  go  on:  Mrs  Wadman  sat  in  ex- 
pectation my  uncle  Toby  would  do  so,  to 
almost  the  first  pulsation  of  that  minute, 
wherein  silence  on  one  side  or  the  other, 
generally  becomes  indecent:  so  edging  her- 
self a  little  more  towards  him,  and  raising 
up  her  eyes,  sub-blushing,  as  she  did  it  - 
she  took  up  the  gauntlet  -  or  the  discourse 
(if  you  like  it  better)  and  communed  with 
my  uncle  Toby,  thus. 

The  cares  and  disquietudes  of  the  mar- 
riage state,  quoth  Mrs  Wadman,  are  very 
great.  I  suppose  so  —  said  my  uncle  Toby: 
and  therefore  when  a  person,  continued  Mrs 
Wadman,  is  so  much  at  his  ease  as  you 
are  —  so  happy,  captain  Shandy,  in  yourself, 
your  friends  and  your  amusements  —  I  won- 
der, what  reasons  can  incline  you  to  the 


-  They    are    written,    quoth    my    uncle 
Toby,  in  the   Common-Prayer   Book. 

Thus  far  my  uncle  Toby  went  on  warily, 
and  kept  within  his  depth,  leaving  Mrs 
Wadman  to  sail  upon  the  gulph  as  she 
pleased. 

-  As  for  children  —  said  Mrs  Wadman  — 
though  a  principal  end  perhaps  of  the  insti- 

283 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

tution,  and  the  natural  wish,  I  suppose,  of 
every  parent — yet  do  not  we  all  find,  they 
are  certain  sorrows,  and  very  uncertain  com- 
forts? and  what  is  there,  dear  sir,  to  pay 
one  for  the  heart-achs — what  compensation 
for  the  many  tender  and  disquieting  appre- 
hensions of  a  suffering  and  defenceless  mother 
who  brings  them  into  life?  I  declare,  said 
my  uncle  Toby,  smit  with  pity,  I  know  of 
none;  unless  it  be  the  pleasure  which  it  has 

pleased  God 

A  fiddlestick!  quoth  she. 


CHAPTER   THE    NINETEENTH. 

NOW   there    are    such    an    infinitude   of 
notes,  tunes,  cants,  chants,  airs,  looks, 
and  accents  with  which  the  word  fid- 
dlestick may  be  pronounced  in  all  such  causes 
as  this,  every  one  of  'em  impressing  a  sense 
and  meaning  as  different  from  the  other,  as 
dirt  from  cleanliness — That  Casuists  (for  it  is 
an  affair  of  conscience  on  that  score)  reckon 

284 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

up  no  less  than  fourteen  thousand  in  which 
you  may  do  either  right  or  wrong. 

Mrs  Wadman  hit  upon  the  fiddlestick, 
which  summoned  up  all  my  uncle  Toby's 
modest  blood  into  his  cheeks  —  so  feeling 
within  himself  that  he  had  somehow  or 
other  got  beyond  his  depth,  he  stopt  short; 
and  without  entering  further  either  into  the 
pains  or  pleasures  of  matrimony,  he  laid  his 
hand  upon  his  heart,  and  made  an  offer  to 
take  them  as  they  were,  and  share  them 
along  with  her. 

When  my  uncle  Toby  had  said  this,  he 
did  not  care  to  say  it  again;  so  casting  his 
eye  upon  the  Bible  which  Mrs  Wadman 
had  laid  upon  the  table,  he  took  it  up; 
and  popping,  dear  soul !  upon  a  passage  in 
it,  of  all  others  the  most  interesting  to 
him — which  was  the  siege  of  Jericho — he 
set  himself  to  read  it  over — leaving  his 
proposal  of  marriage,  as  he  had  done  his 
declaration  of  love,  to  work  with  her  after 
its  own  way.  Now  it  wrought  neither  as 
an  astringent  or  a  loosener;  nor  like  opium, 
or  bark,  or  mercury,  or  buckthorn,  or  any 
one  drug  which  nature  had  bestowed  upon 
the  world — in  short,  it  work'd  not  at  all  in 

285 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

her;  and  the  cause  of  that  was,  that  there 

was    something    working    there    before 

Babbler  that  I  am !  I  have  anticipated 
what  it  was  a  dozen  times;  but  there  is 
fire  still  in  the  subject aliens, 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

IT  is  natural  for  a  perfect  stranger  who 
is  going  from  London  to  Edinburgh,  to 
enquire  before  he  sets  out,  how  many 
miles  to  York;  which  is  about  the  half  way 

nor  does  any  body  wonder,  if  he  goes 

on  and  asks  about  the  corporation,  &c.  -  - 

It  was  just  as  natural  for  Mrs  Wadman, 
whose  first  husband  was  all  his  time  afflicted 
with  a  Sciatica,  to  wish  to  know  how  far 
from  the  hip  to  the  groin;  and  how  far  she 
was  likely  to  suffer  more  or  less  in  her  feel- 
ings, in  the  one  case  than  in  the  other. 

She  had  accordingly  read  Drake's  anato- 
my from  one  end  to  the  other.  She  had 
peeped  into  Wharton  upon  the  brain,  and 

286 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

borrowed  *  Graaf  upon  the  bones  and 
muscles;  but  could  make  nothing  of  it. 

She  had  reason 'd  likewise  from  her  own 

powers laid  down  theorems drawn 

consequences,  and  come  to  no  conclusion. 

To  clear  up  all,  she  had  twice  asked 
Doctor  Slop,  "if  poor  captain  Shandy  was 
ever  likely  to  recover  of  his  wound ?" 

He  is  recovered,  Doctor  Slop  would 


say- 


What!   quite? 
Quite :   madam- 


But  what  do  you  mean  by  a  recovery? 
Mrs  Wadman  would  say. 

Doctor  Slop  was  the  worst  man  alive  at 
definitions;  and  so  Mrs  Wadman  could  get 
no  knowledge:  in  short,  there  was  no  way 
to  extract  it,  but  from  my  uncle  Toby 
himself. 

There  is  an  accent  of  humanity  in  an  en- 
quiry of  this  kind  which  lulls  SUSPICION  to 
rest and  I  am  half  persuaded  the  ser- 
pent got  pretty  near  it,  in  his  discourse 
with  Eve;  for  the  propensity  in  the  sex  to 
be  deceived  could  not  be  so  great,  that  she 

*This  must  be  a  mistake  in  Mr  Shandy;  for  Graaf  wrote 
upon  the  pancreatick  juice,  and  the  parts  of  generation. 

287 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

should  have  boldness  to  hold  chat  with  the 

devil,  without  it But  there  is  an  accent 

of  humanity how  shall  I  describe  it? — 

'tis  an  accent  which  covers  the  part  with 
a  garment,  and  gives  the  enquirer  a  right 
to  be  as  particular  with  it,  as  your  body- 
surgeon. 

" Was  it  without  remission? — 

" Was  it  more  tolerable  in  bed? 

" Could  he  lie  on  both  sides  alike 

with  it? 

" — Was  he  able  to  mount  a  horse? 

" — Was  motion  bad  for  it?"  et  coster -a, 
were  so  tenderly  spoke  to,  and  so  directed 
towards  my  uncle  Toby's  heart,  that  every 
item  of  them  sunk  ten  times  deeper  into  it 

than  the  evils  themselves but  when  Mrs 

Wadman  went  round  about  by  Namur  to 
get  at  my  uncle  Toby's  groin;  and  engaged 
him  to  attack  the  point  of  the  advanced 
counterscarp,  and  pele  mele  with  the  Dutch 
to  take  the  counterguard  of  St  Roch  sword 
in  hand — and  then  with  tender  notes  play- 
ing upon  his  ear,  led  him  all  bleeding  by 
the  hand  out  of  the  trench,  wiping  her  eye, 

as  he  was  carried  to  his  tent Heaven! 

Earth!  Sea! — all  was  lifted  up — the  springs 

M 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

of  nature  rose  above  their  levels — an  angel 
of  mercy  sat  besides  him  on  the  sopha — his 
heart  glow'd  with  fire — and  had  he  been 
worth  a  thousand,  he  had  lost  every  heart 
of  them  to  Mrs  Wadman. 

— And  whereabouts,  dear  Sir,  quoth  Mrs 
Wadman,  a  little  categorically,  did  you  re- 
ceive this  sad  blow? In  asking  this  ques- 
tion, Mrs  Wadman  gave  a  slight  glance  to- 
wards the  waistband  of  my  uncle  Toby's  red 
plush  breeches,  expecting  naturally,  as  the 
shortest  reply  to  it,  that  my  uncle  Toby 

would  lay  his  forefinger  upon  the  place 

It  fell  out  otherwise for  my  uncle  Toby 

having  got  his  wound  before  the  gate  of 
St  Nicolas,  in  one  of  the  traverses  of  the 
trench,  opposite  to  the  salient  angle  of  the 
demibastion  of  St  Rock;  he  could  at  any 
time  stick  a  pin  upon  the  identical  spot  of 
ground  where  he  was  standing  when  the 
stone  struck  him:  this  struck  instantly  upon 

my  uncle  Tobtfs  sensorium and  with  it, 

struck  his  large  map  of  the  town  and  cita- 
del of  Namur  and  its  environs,  which  he 
had  purchased  and  pasted  down  upon  a 
board,  by  the  corporal's  aid,  during  his  long 
illness it  had  lain  with  other  military 

289 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

lumber  in  the  garret  ever  since,  and  accord- 
ingly the  corporal  was  detached  into  the 
garret  to  fetch  it. 

My  uncle  Toby  measured  off  thirty  toises, 
with  Mrs  Wadmari's  scissars,  from  the  re- 
turning angle  before  the  gate  of  St  Nicolas; 
and  with  such  a  virgin  modesty  laid  her 
finger  upon  the  place,  that  the  goddess  of 
Decency,  if  then  in  being — if  not,  'twas  her 
shade, — shook  her  head,  and  with  a  finger 
wavering  across  her  eyes  —  forbid  her  to 
explain  the  mistake. 

Unhappy  Mrs  Wadman! 

For  nothing  can  make  this  chapter 

go  off  with  spirit  but  an  apostrophe  to 

thee but  my  heart  tells  me,  that  in 

such  a  crisis  an  apostrophe  is  but  an  insult 
in  disguise,  and  ere  I  would  offer  one  to  a 
woman  in  distress  —  let  the  chapter  go  to 
the  devil;  provided  any  damn'd  critic  in 
keeping  will  be  but  at  the  trouble  to  take 
it  with  him. 


290 


M 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXVII. 

Y  uncle    Toby's  Map  is  carried  down 
into  the  kitchen. 


A 


CHAPTER   XXVIII. 

ND    here   is   the  Maes  —  and   this 
is  the  Sambre;  said  the  corporal, 
pointing  with  his  right  hand  ex- 
tended  a   little    towards   the   map  and    his 

left    upon    Mrs   Bridget's    shoulder but 

not  the  shoulder  next  him — and  this,  said 
he,  is  the  town  of  Namur — and  this  the 
citadel — and  there  lay  the  French — and  here 

lay  his   honour  and  myself and  in  this 

cursed  trench,  Mrs  Bridget,  quoth  the  cor- 
poral, taking  her  by  the  hand,  did  he  re- 
ceive the  wound  which  crush 'd  him  so 

miserably    here In    pronouncing    which, 

he    slightly  press'd   the   back  of   her   hand 

291 


THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

towards  the  part  he  felt  for and  let  it 

fall. 

We  thought,  Mr  Trim,  it  had  been  more 
in  the  middle said  Mrs  Bridget 

That  would  have  undone  us  for  ever — 
said  the  corporal. 

And  left  my  poor  mistress  undone 

too,  said  Bridget. 

The  corporal  made  no  reply  to  the  re- 
partee, but  by  giving  Mrs  Bridget  a  kiss. 

Come — come — said  Bridget — holding  the 
palm  of  her  left  hand  parallel  to  the  plane 
of  the  horizon,  and  sliding  the  fingers  of 
the  other  over  it,  in  a  way  which  could 
not  have  been  done,  had  there  been  the 

least  wart  or  protuberance 'Tis  every 

syllable  of  it  false,  cried  the  corporal,  be- 
fore she  had  half  finished  the  sentence 

— I  know  it  to  be  fact,  said  Bridget, 
from  credible  witnesses. 

Upon  my  honour,  said  the  corporal, 

laying  his  hand  upon  his  heart,  and  blush- 
ing, as  he  spoke,  with  honest  resentment — 
'tis  a  story,  Mrs  Bridget,  as  false  as  hell 

Not,  said  Bridget,  interrupting  him, 

that  either  I  or  my  mistress  care  a  half- 
penny about  it,  whether  'tis  so  or  no 

292 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

only  that  when  one  is  married,  one  would 
chuse    to    have    such    a    thing    by    one    at 

least 

It  was  somewhat  unfortunate  for  Mrs 
Bridget,  that  she  had  begun  the  attack 
with  her  manual  exercise;  for  the  corpo- 
ral instantly  ****** 

Jfc=Mt^fe  stfc  :&  -¥--¥-  ^(-  .u. 

TT-Tr-A'"R'TV'*re'Tr^p^ 

********* 


CHAPTER    XXIX. 

IT  was  like  the  momentary  contest  in  the 
moist   eye -lids    of    an    April   morning, 
"  Whether    Bridget    should    laugh    or 
cry." 

She    snatched   up   a   rolling-pin 'twas 

ten  to   one,  she   had  laugh' d 

She  laid  it  down she  cried;   and  had 

one  single  tear  of  'em  but  tasted  of  bit- 
terness, full  sorrowful  would  the  corporal's 
heart  have  been  that  he  had  used  the  argu- 
ment; but  the  corporal  understood  the  sex, 
a  quart  major  to  a  terce  at  least,  better  than 

293 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

my  uncle  Toby,  and  accordingly  he  assailed 
Mrs  Bridget  after  this  manner. 

I  know,  Mrs  Bridget,  said  the  corporal, 
giving  her  a  most  respectful  kiss,  that  thou 
art  good  and  modest  by  nature,  and  art 
withal  so  generous  a  girl  in  thyself,  that, 
if  I  know  thee  rightly,  thou  would 'st  not 
wound  an  insect,  much  less  the  honour  of 
so  gallant  and  worthy  a  soul  as  my  mas- 
ter, wast  thou  sure  to  be  made  a  countess 
of but  thou  hast  been  set  on,  and  de- 
luded, dear  Bridget,  as  is  often  a  woman's 
case,  "to  please  others  more  than  them- 
selves  " 

Bridget's  eyes  poured  down  at  the  sensa- 
tions the  corporal  excited. 

Tell  me tell   me   then,  my  dear 

Bridget,  continued  the  corporal,  taking  hold 
of  her  hand,  which  hung  down  dead  by  her 

side, and  giving  a  second  kiss whose 

suspicion  has  misled  thee? 

Bridget    sobb'd    a    sob    or    two then 

open'd  her  eyes the  corporal  wiped  'em 

with  the  bottom  of  her  apron she  then 

open'd  her  heart  and  told  him  all. 


294 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 


CHAPTER    XXX. 

MY  uncle    Toby  and   the   corporal   had 
gone  on  separately  with  their  opera- 
tions the  greatest  part  of  the  cam- 
paign, and   as   effectually   cut   off  from  all 
communication   of   what   either  the  one  or 
the  other  had   been  doing,  as  if  they  had 
been    separated    from    each    other    by    the 
Maes  or   the  Sambre. 

My  uncle  Toby,  on  his  side,  had  pre- 
sented himself  every  afternoon  in  his  red 
and  silver,  and  blue  and  gold  alternately, 
and  sustained  an  infinity  of  attacks  in  them, 
without  knowing  them  to  be  attacks — and 

so  had  nothing  to  communicate 

The  corporal,  on  his  side,  in  taking 
Bridget,  by  it  had  gain'd  considerable  ad- 
vantages  and  consequently  had  much  to 

communicate but  what  were  the  advan- 
tages  as  well  as  what  was  the  manner 

by  which  he  had  seiz'd  them,  required  so 
nice  an  historian,  that  the  corporal  durst 
not  venture  upon  it;  and  as  sensible  as  he 

295 


THE  LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

was  of  glory,  would  rather  have  been  con- 
tented to  have  gone  bareheaded  and  with- 
out laurels  for  ever,  than  torture  his  mas- 
ter's modesty  for  a  single  moment 

Best  of  honest  and   gallant   servants! 

But   I   have   apostrophiz'd  thee,    Trim! 

once  before and  could  I  apotheosize  thee 

also  (that  is  to  say)  with  good  company 

I  would  do  it  without  ceremony  in  the  very 
next  page. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

NOW  my  uncle  Toby  had  one  evening 
laid   down   his   pipe  upon   the  table, 
and    was    counting    over    to    himself 
upon    his    finger    ends    (beginning    at    his 
thumb)   all    Mrs    Wadmari's  perfections   one 
by  one;   and  happening  two  or  three  times 
together,  either  by  omitting  some,  or  count- 
ing   others    twice    over,   to    puzzle    himself 
sadly  before  he  could  get  beyond  his  mid- 
dle finger Prithee,  Trim!  said  he,  taking 

up  his  pipe  again, bring  me  a  pen  and 

ink:    Trim  brought  paper  also. 

296 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Take  a  full  sheet Trim!  said  my  uncle 

Toby,  making  a  sign  with  his  pipe  at  the 
same  time  to  take  a  chair  and  sit  down 
close  by  him  at  the  table.  The  corporal 

obeyed placed  the  paper  directly  before 

him took  a  pen,  and  dipp'd  it  in  the 

ink. 

— She  has  a  thousand  virtues,  Trim!  said 
my  uncle  Toby 

Am  I  to  set  them  down,  an'  please  your 
honour?  quoth  the  corporal. 

But  they  must  be  taken  in  their 

ranks,  replied  my  uncle  Toby;  for  of  them 
all,  Trim,  that  which  wins  me  most,  and 
which  is  a  security  for  all  the  rest,  is  the 
compassionate  turn  and  singular  humanity 
of  her  character — I  protest,  added  my  uncle 
Toby,  looking  up,  as  he  protested  it,  towards 

the  top  of  the  ceiling That  was  I  her 

brother,  Trim,  a  thousand  fold,  she  could 
not  make  more  constant  or  more  tender 

enquiries  after  my  sufferings though  now 

no  more. 

The  corporal  made  no  reply  to  my  uncle 
Toby's  protestation,  but  by  a  short  cough — 
he  dipp'd  the  pen  a  second  time  into  the 
inkhorn;  and  my  uncle  Toby,  pointing  with 

297 


THE  LIFE  AND  OPINIONS 

the  end  of  his  pipe  as  close  to  the  top  of 
the  sheet  at  the  left  hand  corner  of  it,  as 

he  could  get  it the  corporal  wrote  down 

the  word 
HUMANITY thus. 

Prithee,  corporal,  said  my  uncle  Toby*  as 

soon   as  Trim  had   done  it how  often 

does  Mrs  Bridget  enquire  after  the  wound 
on  the  cap  of  thy  knee,  which  thou  re- 
ceived'st  at  the  battle  of  Landen  ? 

She    never,   an'   please   your   honour,   en 
quires  after  it  at  all. 

That,  corporal,  said  my  uncle  Toby,  with 
all  the  triumph  the  goodness  of  his  nature 

would  permit That  shews   the  difference 

in  the   character  of  the   mistress   and   maid 

had    the    fortune    of    war    allotted    the 

same  mischance  to  me,  Mrs  Wadman  would 
have  enquired  into  every  circumstance  re- 
lating to  it  a  hundred  times She  would 

have  enquired,  an'  please  your  honour,  ten 
times  as  often  about  your  honour's  groin 
The  pain,  Trim,  is  equally  excruciat- 
ing,  and  Compassion  has  as  much  to  do 

with  the  one  as  the  other 

God    bless    your    honour !    cried    the 

corporal what  has  a  woman's  compassion 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

to  do  with  a  wound  upon  the  cap  of  a 
man's  knee?  had  your  honour's  been  shot 
into  ten  thousand  splinters  at  the  affair  of 
Landen,  Mrs  Wadman  would  have  troubled 
her  head  as  little  about  it  as  Bridget;  be- 
cause, added  the  corporal,  lowering  his  voice, 
and  speaking  very  distinctly,  as  he  assigned 
his  reason 

"The  knee  is  such  a  distance  from  the 
main  body whereas  the  groin,  your  hon- 
our knows,  is  upon  the  very  curtain  of  the 
place." 

My  uncle  Toby  gave  a  long  whistle 

but  in  a  note  which  could  scarce  be  heard 
across  the  table. 

The  corporal  had  advanced  too  far  to  re- 
tire  in  three  words  he  told  the  rest 

My  uncle  Toby  laid  down  his  pipe  as 
gently  upon  the  fender,  as  if  it  had  been 
spun  from  the  unravellings  of  a  spider's 
web 

Let  us  go  to  my  brother  Shandy's, 

said  he. 


999 


CHAPTER    XXXII. 


will   be  just   time,   whilst   my 
A     uncle  Toby  and  Trim  are   walking  to 
my  father's,  to   inform  you   that  Mrs 
Wadman  had,  some  moons  before  this,  made 
a  confident  of   my   mother;    and   that   Mrs 
Bridget,  who   had  the  burden  of  her  own, 
as   well    as    her    mistress's    secret    to    carry, 
had  got  happily  delivered  of  both  to  Susan- 
nah behind  the  garden-wall. 

As  for  my  mother,  she  saw  nothing  at 
all  in  it,  to  make  the  least  bustle  about  - 
but  Susannah  was  sufficient  by  herself  for  all 
the  ends  and  purposes  you  could  possibly 
have,  in  exporting  a  family  secret;  for  she 
instantly  imparted  it  by  signs  to  Jonathan 
-  and  Jonathan  by  tokens  to  the  cook  as 
she  was  basting  a  loin  of  mutton;  the  cook 
sold  it  with  some  kitchen-fat  to  the  postil- 
lion for  a  groat,  who  truck'd  it  with  the 
dairy  maid  for  something  of  about  the  same 
value  -  and  though  whisper  'd  in  the  hay- 
loft, FAME  caught  the  notes  with  her  brazen 


300 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

trumpet,  and  sounded  them  upon  the  house- 
top— In  a  word,  not  an  old  woman  in  the 
village  or  five  miles  round,  who  did  not  un- 
derstand the  difficulties  of  my  uncle  Toby's 
siege,  and  what  were  the  secret  articles  which 
had  delayed  the  surrender. 

My  father,  whose  way  was  to  force  every 
event  in  nature  into  an  hypothesis,  by 
which  means  never  man  crucified  TRUTH  at 

the  rate  he   did had   but  just  heard  of 

the  report  as  my  uncle  Toby  set  out;  and 
catching  fire  suddenly  at  the  trespass  done 
his  brother  by  it,  was  demonstrating  to 
Yonckf  notwithstanding  my  mother  was 

sitting    by not    only,    "That   the   devil 

was  in  women,  and  that  the  whole  of  the 
affair  was  lust ; ' '  but  that  every  evil  and 
disorder  in  the  world  of  what  kind  or  na- 
ture soever,  from  the  first  fall  of  Adam, 
down  to  my  uncle  Toby's  (inclusive),  was 
owing  one  way  or  other  to  the  same  un- 
ruly appetite. 

Yorick  was  just  bringing  my  father's 
hypothesis  to  some  temper,  when  my  uncle 
Toby  entering  the  room  with  marks  of  infi- 
nite benevolence  and  forgiveness  in  his  looks, 
my  father's  eloquence  rekindled  against  the 

301 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

passion— — and  as  he  was  not  very  nice  in 
the  choice  of  his  words  when  he  was  wroth 

as  soon  as  my  uncle   Toby  was  seated 

by  the  fire,   and    had    filled    his    pipe,   my 
father  broke  out  in  this  manner. 


CHAPTER    XXXIII. 


provision  should  be  made 
A  for  continuing  the  race  of  so 
great,  so  exalted  and  godlike  a 
Being  as  man  —  I  am  far  from  denying  — 
but  philosophy  speaks  freely  of  every  thing; 
and  therefore  I  still  think  and  do  maintain 
it  to  be  a  pity,  that  it  should  be  done  by 
means  of  a  passion  which  bends  down  the 
faculties,  and  turns  all  the  wisdom,  con- 
templations, and  operations  of  the  soul 
backwards  -  a  passion,  my  dear,  continued 
my  father,  addressing  himself  to  my  mother, 
which  couples  and  equals  wise  men  with 
fools,  and  makes  us  come  out  of  our  cav- 
erns and  hiding-places  more  like  satyrs  and 
four-footed  beasts  than  men. 

309 


OF    TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

I  know  it  will  be  said,  continued  my 
father  (availing  himself  of  the  Prolepsis) 

that  in  itself,  and  simply  taken like 

hunger,  or  thirst,  or  sleep 'tis  an  affair 

neither  good  or  bad — or  shameful  or  other- 
wise.   Why  then  did  the  delicacy  of 

Diogenes  and  Plato  so  recalcitrate  against 
it?  and  wherefore,  when  we  go  about  to 
make  and  plant  a  man,  do  we  put  out  the 
candle?  and  for  what  reason  is  it,  that  all 
the  parts  thereof — the  congredients  —  the 
preparations — the  instruments,  and  whatever 
serves  thereto,  are  so  held  as  to  be  con- 
veyed to  a  cleanly  mind  by  no  language, 
translation,  or  periphrasis  whatever? 

The  act  of  killing  and  destroying  a 

man,  continued  my  father,  raising  his  voice 
— and  turning  to  my  uncle  Toby — you  see, 
is  glorious — and  the  weapons  by  which  we 

do  it  are  honourable We  march  with 

them  upon  our  shoulders We  strut  with 

them  by  our  sides We  gild  them 

We  carve  them We  in-lay  them We 

enrich  them Nay,  if  it  be  but  a  scoun- 
drel cannon,  we  cast  an  ornament  upon  the 
breach  of  it. — 

My  uncle  Toby  laid  down  his  pipe  to 

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THE    LIFE   AND   OPINIONS 

intercede  for  a  better  epithet and  Yorick 

was  rising  up  to  batter  the  whole  hypothe- 
sis to  pieces 

— When  Obadiah  broke  into  the  middle 
of  the  room  with  a  complaint,  which  cried 
out  for  an  immediate  hearing. 

The  case  was  this: 

My  father,  whether  by  ancient  custom  of 
the  manor,  or  as  impropriator  of  the  great 
tythes,  was  obliged  to  keep  a  Bull  for  the 
service  of  the  Parish,  and  Obadiah  had  led 
his  cow  upon  a  pop-visit  to  him  one  day  or 

other  the  preceding  summer 1  say,  one 

day  or  other — because  as  chance  would  have 
it,  it  was  the  day  on  which  he  was  married 

to  my   father's   house-maid so   one  was 

a  reckoning  to  the  other.  Therefore,  when 
Obadiah' 's  wife  was  brought  to  bed — Oba- 
diah thanked  God 

Now,    said    Obadiah,    I    shall    have    a 

calf:  so  Obadiah  went  daily  to  visit  his 
cow. 

She'll  calve  on  Monday — on  Tuesday — on 
Wednesday  at  the  farthest 

The  cow  did  not  calve no — she'll  not 

calve  till  next  week the  cow  put  it  off 

terribly till  at  the  end  of  the  sixth  week 

304 


OF   TRISTRAM    SHANDY 

Obadiah' s  suspicions  (like  a  good  man's)  fell 
upon  the  Bull. 

Now  the  parish  being  very  large,  my 
father's  Bull,  to  speak  the  truth  of  him, 
was  no  way  equal  to  the  department;  he 
had,  however,  got  himself,  somehow  or 
other,  thrust  into  employment — and  as  he 
went  through  the  business  with  a  grave 
face,  my  father  had  a  high  opinion  of  him. 

Most  of  the  townsmen,  an'  please 

your  worship,  quoth  Obadiah,  believe  that 
'tis  all  the  Bull's  fault- 

But  may  not  a  cow  be  barren?  re- 
plied my  father,  turning  to  Doctor  Slop. 

It  never  happens:  said  Dr  Slop,  but  the 
man's  wife  may  have  come  before  her  time 

naturally  enough Prithee  has  the  child 

hair  upon  his  head  ? — added  Dr  Slop 

It  is  as  hairy  as  I  am;  said  Obadiah. 

Obadiah  had  not  been  shaved  for  three 

weeks Wheu  --u u cried 

my  father;  beginning  the  sentence  with  an 

exclamatory  whistle and  so,  brother 

Toby,  this  poor  Bull  of  mine,  who  is  as 
good  a  Bull  as  ever  p — ss'd,  and  might 
have  done  for  Europa  herself  in  purer 
times had  he  but  two  legs  less,  might 


305 


THE   LIFE  AND   OPINIONS 

have  been  driven  into  Doctors  Commons 

and  lost  his  character which  to  a  Town 

Bull,  brother  Toby,  is  the  very  same  thing 
as  his  life 

L — d  !  said  my  mother,  what  is  all  this 
story  about? 

A  COCK  and  a  BULL,  said  Yorick And 

one  of  the  best  of  its  kind,  I  ever  heard. 


THE    END. 


306 


:  ,^ 


